After today’s announcement that the iTunes Music Store is coming to Canada next month, Canadians took to the streets in an unfortunate display of unrestrained exuberance.
Overturning cars, breaking windows and engaging in acts of public nudity, Canadians from Vancouver to Halifax expressed their joy in a manner that resulted in the arrest of over 4,000 individuals and up to U.S. $2 million worth of damage.
“YEAAAAAAAAAH!!!” screamed an unidentified Canadian Mac user outside Vancouver’s Mac Station, holding up his pinky and index fingers, possibly to symbolize all the hard rockin’ he was planning on doing when the iTunes Music Store becomes available. He then threw a garbage can through a window in Vancouver’s trendy Yaletown shopping district.
“You have to understand, we’ve been waiting for this for a long time,” said Michael Carman, manager of the Vancouver Mac Station. “All the while listening to you people in the States talk about how great the iTunes Music Store is and how many songs you’ve downloaded by bands that, ooooh, you’ve never even heard of!
“You make me sick. But now it’s our turn. You don’t like it? Well, we didn’t like it either. I think it’s only natural that we express our joy through unrestrained rampaging and gratuitous sexual acts. And if you think otherwise, then you just don’t understand our ways.”
However, Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller pleaded with his fellow Canadians to restore calm to his native land.
“Please,” Schiller implored on Canadian television. “Return to your homes. I know this is particularly hard because of the NHL lockout, but maybe you could try watching This Hour Has 22 Minutes or, or Canada Now. Anything is better than this.
“Well, maybe not This Hour Has 22 Minutes, but…”
If Canadians return to their homes, Apple has promised a free Bryan Adams download when the store is available.