02 Nov 04No post today.


In order to prevent our readers in the U.S. from sitting around clicking “refresh” in an attempt to get first post and not going out and voting, we won’t be hitting you up with juicy Apple rumors today.

Also, we all have plans to watch the returns tonight and are eager to get out of here.

If Kerry wins, I expect to be up to my armpits in hookers and booze.

Conversely, if Bush wins, I expect to be up to my armpits in hookers and booze.

Some may say I’m using this election as an excuse for an evening of hookers and booze. These are cynics, however, who do not understand the liberties that make this country great.

Well, our liberties, for the most part, still don’t include hookers. That’s simply an entitlement the politicians have yet to throw at us in order to try to gain our votes. Has anyone else noticed that Nevada is a swing state and has lots of hookers and booze?

If you think there’s no correlation, don’t be so naive. If Florida weren’t just full of old people, they’d have legalized prostitution, too.

Instead they get bingo and shuffleboard. It’s all about knowing your constituency.

I should also take this opportunity to announce that we are also taking Friday off in preparation for being called back into the polls to vote again because our votes were eaten by the loose amalgamation of Windows NT and Microsoft Access that some dare call “a voting machine.”

Please.

I know a voting machine. His name is Stan. This dude is a voting machine. He can go through a ballot in 30-seconds flat. He has no idea what he’s voting for, of course, but he’s very efficient.

That piece of PC crap is no voting machine.

I understand that Apple was in the running to sell voting machines but, typically, theirs were super-cool and were all brushed metal and stuff and the election officials were afraid people wouldn’t want to stop using them, even further backing up the lines.

Apologies to our friends abroad. We know the world doesn’t revolve around us.

It revolves around that big pole that goes through the center of the Earth.

Santa lives near it.

And if those last two sentences make you uncomfortable about the people who are going to elect the supposed leader of the free world…

Well, that’s just your sense of self-preservation kicking in.

28 Responses to “No post today.”

  1. Bellidancer says:

    Early “FIRST” returns

  2. bear says:

    Second………..we can do better

  3. Bellidancer says:

    Great “No” post. Good change of pace.

    How anyone could imagine a Windows based voting system could possibly be “Secure” boggles my imagination. Thank You CARS for correctly and intuitively pointing out the only way to come to terms with the results of this election (What EVER the outcome) is with hookers and booze. Sign Me Up.

    John, where will the after-the-polls-close-party be?

  4. Garnack says:

    Third baby!!!

    So John, are these Lesbian Ninja Hookers, or just plain old boring hookers?

  5. Garnack says:

    OK then forth, fourth and 4th.

  6. MacStansbury says:

    But I was just here not 3 seconds ago…what do I have to do?!?

    (insert sexbot joke here)

  7. Brother Mugga says:

    God I love being British at times like this.

    Well, and pretty much the rest of the time really, to be honest.

    So remind me again – what happens if it’s a draw…?

    PS: Gravesend (womb of my birth) is a key ‘indicator’ town in good old Blighty. And we’ve got *loads* of hookers. Apparently. So I think it stands up.

    PPS: The *theory* stands up, you pervs…

  8. Del says:

    “The most comprehensive study ever undertaken by the mi2g Intelligence Unit over 12 months reveals that the world’s safest and most secure 24/7 online computing environment – operating system plus applications – is proving to be the Open Source platform of BSD (Berkley Software Distribution) and the

    Mac OS X based on Darwin. [snip]”

    http://www.mi2g.com/cgi/mi2g/press/021104.php

  9. Bellidancer says:

    Actually, we should formalize a new holiday most people are ready to celebrate. The End of Political Ads for a While.

    EPAW Day could be celebrated with massive community bønfires where we butn political mailers( I think we would all like to burn the Mailers (people) as well as the Mailers ( political ads), But air pollution laws woiuld most likely interseed.

    Booze and hookers would be freely and publicly available at these bonfires and paid for the the political hacks who have made our lives miscerable for the last six months. CARS should avocate for sex-bots be available for the home bound and terminally geeky.

    If the Politicians and their staffs are let off the hook with the bonfire, they should instead be plased in stocks with bins of over ripe fruit and vegetables at hand for public chastisment.

    Special stocks should be setup with the people responsible for any political ad. Instead of rotten tomatoes, slimy, stinking buckets of mud.

    Any other ideas?

    Oh… and on an unrelated topic…John, the “Forget Personal Information Button” does not work. There ae a few unfortunate incidents (Coincidently with hookers and booze) I would like to forget, but that damn button in the comments section doesn’t seem to work… I still remember the chickens, the strip search, and the mexican jail, ( well I guess I would rather remember the strip search. but the rest of memories from about April 13th to May 4th, 1984 have got to go, John, I appreciate the thoughfulness and concern for your readers you have displayed in trying to provide such services. But before you promise the sweet balm of a therapeutic mind wipe, test the mechanism, Perhaps on Chet, Surely he has memories that he would like to erase.

    Thank for your attention in this matter.

  10. Del says:

    Well I suggest instead of tomato’s or mud use pumpkins. A lot of farms in my area have lots of pumpkins left over from Halloween. Their a little rotty and soft, but they are cheap and smush wonderfully.

    I bought a huge truck full pretty cheap for my Halloween party. We had lots of fun smashing them. We used an ax, hatchet, tractor with brushog, hammer toss style launcher, 30 lb sledge, 8lb sledge, adze, small and giant size screwdrivers … etc. You get the idea. Very therapeutic and fun.

  11. Bellidancer says:

    Eleventh!

    Yes, it feels soooo good.

  12. Bellidancer says:

    Ah..Del? You are suggesting using an ax. hatchet, trator, launcher, sledge hammers or screwdrivers on politicians are you?

    I admire your passion and I suspect most of them (the politicians ) deserve the treatment, But really, is it practical?

  13. Sexbot Union Rep says:

    /*START PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT*/

    We would like to remind all election officials and party “members” that tonight’s revelry of “hookers and booze” is a great chance to reaccquaint oneselve with the all-American institution of “Sexbots for Hire”(tm) – as the old saying goes “if it ain’t a Sexbot you don’t know where it’s been”.

    /*END PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT*/

  14. Anonymous says:

    Go americans Go!

  15. Republican (duh) says:

    Hopefully we’ll all be toasting to a Bush victory! Or getting toasted because Kerry won and the only way to deal with such a tragic loss would be to be drunk for the next four years. Ol’ Teddy K has been drunk must of his adult life, and he’s a senator, not a very useful senator, but still, his whole adult life…drunk…we can do it for at least four years.

  16. Jawyn says:

    well you see the reason is the world has changed since 9/11….

  17. a voter with a brain says:

    duh,

    I would vote for a ham sandwich before I voted for bush.

  18. The Hungry Guy says:

    Hey, I’d vote for a ham sandwich!!

  19. Gunkulator says:

    this one funny freakin site!

  20. Shivs says:

    Hey, a ham sandwich getting on the ballot, in writing, as opposed to physically being ON the ballot, would be such an improvement over all the politicians that it would win in a landslide. So I say, ” bless President ham sandwich!”

  21. Anonymous says:

    I think the various barnyard animals that have managed to get elected in certain podunk towns across the nation should start setting their sights a little higher and run for governor, senator, and eventually even president.

  22. UhhhDude says:

    Enjoy your booze and hookers now, because they’ll all be spoken for on Inauguration Night.

    (You know! Booze, hookers and Congressmen! It’s the American way.)

    Do you also get the feeling that the election is being manipulated by the ratings-starved media into The World’s Largest Reality Show(TM)? Two close calls in a row? Riiiiight.

    Maybe, instead of having the courts decide the winner, we can have Simon, Paula and Randy judge a sing-off between the two. We can all vote on our cell phones! Yay!

    Ahem.

    Screw it. I’m voting for the ham sandwich next time. On wheat.

  23. Del says:

    Good idea UhhhDude. The VP’s and wives could be the backup band.

    Why am I still sober?

  24. john kerry says:

    Damn.

    Even with 3 purple hearts, and the sexy and succulent michael more with me, i still got “bitch” slapped.

    Damn right wing honkeys.

  25. bear says:

    Is it time for Michael Moore to move to France????

  26. Anonymous says:

    No we don`t want no americans in france.

    Please stay where you are.

    And then just fade away… but silently, please.

  27. Michael Moore says:

    It’s my country, too, and I’ll be damned if I’m running off to France. I’m staying right here and fighting the phony Texas inbred money-grubbing Saudi-loving draft-dodging Mafia.

  28. Anonymous says:

    Don’t be dissing the Families like that man, even the Mafia have principles.