Apple Blocks Older Patrons From Retail Stores.

After announcing that the iTunes Music Store will will no longer work with older versions of iTunes, Apple today announced that senior citizens will no longer be allowed to shop in the company’s retail stores.

Apple claimed that, like supporting older versions of iTunes, supporting seniors in the Apple Stores is a expense of time and money and has a detrimental impact on the company’s trendy image.

“We are seeking a pleasant and efficient shopping experience for our customers,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. “And, frankly, old people work against this.

“Many of them smell strange which negatively effects the ambience of the Apple Store. They also want to talk to cashiers incessantly about the weather and what part of their body hurts the most, and that slows down the lines.”

Jobs indicated that banning old people will effectively eliminate the long lines experienced at the Apple Store in Soho, much of which he blamed on a 78-year-old man named Mortimer.

Affecting a voice intended to sound like an elderly man, Jobs hiked his pants up high and walked around with his elbows stuck out comically.

“I can’t read this box!” he said loudly. “I need to use your restroom! I don’t want a computer, my son’s making me buy one!

“Now, let me tell you how things were back in my day! We didn’t have fancy computer stores! Why, one time I had to walk from Williamsport to Montoursville in a snow storm in order to buy a slide rule! Just so I could figure fractions! And this was back when snow was thicker than it is now-a-days!

“Anyway,” Jobs continued, now in full mocking mode, “I had just applied a poultice of bacon grease, garlic and cod liver oil to the cut I got trying to crank-start the Edsel for my pappy, because he had the gout! Some of the local dogs got a whiff of me and chased me clear over to Wilkes-Barre! While I was there, I stopped in the so-dee shop for a root beer float, a pile of flapjacks and a gallon of pure cream that they would inject right into your veins!

“That’s where I met my Mabel! She was a horrible, bumpy little thing – looked like a bag full of tadpoles! But I loved her!”

Rolling his eyes, Jobs pushed his pants back down to his waist and sat down.

“Old people are a pain in the ass,” he concluded. “Many of them do not have their original parts, they’re grumpy, crotchety and prickly, and they never buy anything anyway.

“You know, I’m not really crazy about children in the stores, either.”

Apple’s ban on seniors takes effect Monday.

35 thoughts on “Apple Blocks Older Patrons From Retail Stores.”

  1. holy shit I live in williamsport that is fucked up

    althogh that walk isnt all that long

  2. I knew it was Wilkes-Barre. That was a typo.

    And my parents are from Williamsport, Obligatory Post Count Guy. Is Reptile Land still on the highway outside of town?

  3. If *Jobs* hiked his trooosers up high . . . would that put them just under his chin, or actually cover his mouth or what?

  4. Great thanks Apple for trying to ruin my economy. Do you know how much money I’ve been making from the elderly by hot wiring iPods directly into their hearing aids.



  5. Man, that was the shiznit. I mean, seriously, yeah. That was just… wow. Yeah. That was HOT. Right on. Just… just great. Good form. On a roll. Spunky.

    Just… yeah.

  6. The problem is that Older people with Macs actually try to use them, and therefore have problems and questions (like all users). But if they have a Windows machine, they usually give up on it after the first week.

    “What do you mean ‘Spyware’, huh, I didn’t buy that”.

  7. You young whipper-snappers think your all sooo smart (raises cane and points shakingly points it at CARS) Just wait until until Microsoft adult diapers come out, then we will see who laughs last (begins to laugh hysterically, then falls a breaks hip)

  8. iTunes, iPhoto, iPod, iMovies. Get the picture. It’s all about me. Yes, Me. (ha ha ha ha, he he he he)

    Stand aside all you decrepit Wintel users trying to turn back the hands of time, and pretend that you’re young, hip, and cool.

    Do you think that you can just buy yourself a brand new shiny Apple, and the world will be at your fingertips.

    oh……I guess you can. never-mind.

  9. I think that guy got hit in the head by an Apple. Get it. APPLE.

    Oh sometimes I’m Just too funny.

  10. is it just me, or was somebody who’s actually funny brought in to write a story for CARS? either that, or making fun of the old is just so easy that anybody can do it!

    I have no life…

  11. That’s right. Kick out all the old people. They’ll just start congregating at Abercrombie & Fitch anyway. With their skateboards, and their freaky haircuts, and their pants sagging…

    Or not.

  12. Williamsport to Montoursville

    hmm more hints hat cars is pa based.

    rumor that cars is typed in a vacation cabin at knoebels.

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