04 Nov 04Apple Blocks Older Patrons From Retail Stores.


After announcing that the iTunes Music Store will will no longer work with older versions of iTunes, Apple today announced that senior citizens will no longer be allowed to shop in the company’s retail stores.

Apple claimed that, like supporting older versions of iTunes, supporting seniors in the Apple Stores is a expense of time and money and has a detrimental impact on the company’s trendy image.

“We are seeking a pleasant and efficient shopping experience for our customers,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. “And, frankly, old people work against this.

“Many of them smell strange which negatively effects the ambience of the Apple Store. They also want to talk to cashiers incessantly about the weather and what part of their body hurts the most, and that slows down the lines.”

Jobs indicated that banning old people will effectively eliminate the long lines experienced at the Apple Store in Soho, much of which he blamed on a 78-year-old man named Mortimer.

Affecting a voice intended to sound like an elderly man, Jobs hiked his pants up high and walked around with his elbows stuck out comically.

“I can’t read this box!” he said loudly. “I need to use your restroom! I don’t want a computer, my son’s making me buy one!

“Now, let me tell you how things were back in my day! We didn’t have fancy computer stores! Why, one time I had to walk from Williamsport to Montoursville in a snow storm in order to buy a slide rule! Just so I could figure fractions! And this was back when snow was thicker than it is now-a-days!

“Anyway,” Jobs continued, now in full mocking mode, “I had just applied a poultice of bacon grease, garlic and cod liver oil to the cut I got trying to crank-start the Edsel for my pappy, because he had the gout! Some of the local dogs got a whiff of me and chased me clear over to Wilkes-Barre! While I was there, I stopped in the so-dee shop for a root beer float, a pile of flapjacks and a gallon of pure cream that they would inject right into your veins!

“That’s where I met my Mabel! She was a horrible, bumpy little thing – looked like a bag full of tadpoles! But I loved her!”

Rolling his eyes, Jobs pushed his pants back down to his waist and sat down.

“Old people are a pain in the ass,” he concluded. “Many of them do not have their original parts, they’re grumpy, crotchety and prickly, and they never buy anything anyway.

“You know, I’m not really crazy about children in the stores, either.”

Apple’s ban on seniors takes effect Monday.

35 Responses to “Apple Blocks Older Patrons From Retail Stores.”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Grandpa Simpson?

  2. Paul says:

    OH YES! NUMERO DOS!

  3. omega says:

    It’s Wilkes-Barre.

  4. obligatory post count guy says:

    holy shit I live in williamsport that is fucked up

    althogh that walk isnt all that long

  5. Guy Lombardo says:

    Can I get tech support to help me to get my iPod to play 78’s.

  6. MacStansbury says:

    Amazing. Today every post is the 4th post.

    Get it? 4th? Cause today is the Fourth of November? Anybody?

    I wish I had friends…

  7. Anonymous says:

    7th!

    …rhymes with 11th!

  8. MacStansbury says:

    7th does not rhyme with 11th…

    seventh…eleventh…

    oh…yeah it does…

  9. Huck says:

    Nope, you were right the first time. They don’t rhyme at all.

  10. Cyanide says:

    I’m baaaack.

    And that means….

  11. Cyanide says:

    LAST POST!

  12. coolfactor says:

    This site is always sooooo funny, and the commentators are soooo nutty!!!

  13. Anonymous says:

    They do too rhyme! They both end in “th”

  14. John Moltz says:

    I knew it was Wilkes-Barre. That was a typo.

    And my parents are from Williamsport, Obligatory Post Count Guy. Is Reptile Land still on the highway outside of town?

  15. John R Chang says:

    Oh, god, my stomach hurts!

    ROTFL ow ow ow

    Great job!

  16. Brother Mugga says:

    If *Jobs* hiked his trooosers up high . . . would that put them just under his chin, or actually cover his mouth or what?

  17. Yeah, Old people and children suck even more than most people. Perhaps banning people from Apple stores would drive enthusiasm to get into them ^.^

  18. Anonymous says:

    Williamsport to Montoursville I could see. But all the way to Wilkes-Barre? Craziness.

  19. Del says:

    Great thanks Apple for trying to ruin my economy. Do you know how much money I’ve been making from the elderly by hot wiring iPods directly into their hearing aids.

    Thanks,

    🙁

  20. Small Paul says:

    Man, that was the shiznit. I mean, seriously, yeah. That was just… wow. Yeah. That was HOT. Right on. Just… just great. Good form. On a roll. Spunky.

    Just… yeah.

  21. Mr. Stereotype says:

    The problem is that Older people with Macs actually try to use them, and therefore have problems and questions (like all users). But if they have a Windows machine, they usually give up on it after the first week.

    “What do you mean ‘Spyware’, huh, I didn’t buy that”.

  22. Gunkulator says:

    “bag full of tadpoles” hehehe

  23. winky "wrinkly" walrus-sphere says:

    cripes, i’m a-laffin’ me brain off!

  24. old codger says:

    You young whipper-snappers think your all sooo smart (raises cane and points shakingly points it at CARS) Just wait until until Microsoft adult diapers come out, then we will see who laughs last (begins to laugh hysterically, then falls a breaks hip)

  25. Isaac Newton says:

    iTunes, iPhoto, iPod, iMovies. Get the picture. It’s all about me. Yes, Me. (ha ha ha ha, he he he he)

    Stand aside all you decrepit Wintel users trying to turn back the hands of time, and pretend that you’re young, hip, and cool.

    Do you think that you can just buy yourself a brand new shiny Apple, and the world will be at your fingertips.

    oh……I guess you can. never-mind.

  26. Anonymous says:

    I think that guy got hit in the head by an Apple. Get it. APPLE.

    Oh sometimes I’m Just too funny.

  27. Anonymous says:

    I guess so, but then looks aren’t everything.

    snicker, snicker, tee hee

  28. MacStansbury says:

    is it just me, or was somebody who’s actually funny brought in to write a story for CARS? either that, or making fun of the old is just so easy that anybody can do it!

    I have no life…

  29. UhhhDude says:

    That’s right. Kick out all the old people. They’ll just start congregating at Abercrombie & Fitch anyway. With their skateboards, and their freaky haircuts, and their pants sagging…

    Or not.

  30. obligatory post count guy says:

    yes reptile land is still there and as gay as ever

  31. JAV says:

    Children just make everything sticky and loud.

    JAV

  32. RON says:

    I still wear my macintosh in the rain. Real old Limey.

  33. Pixelgrid says:

    This site brings out the funny in people who write comments.

    Whatever the hell THAT means.

  34. Anonymous says:

    Williamsport to Montoursville

    hmm more hints hat cars is pa based.

    rumor that cars is typed in a vacation cabin at knoebels.

  35. Josh says:

    Crank-start an Edsel?