After announcing that the iTunes Music Store will will no longer work with older versions of iTunes, Apple today announced that senior citizens will no longer be allowed to shop in the company’s retail stores.
Apple claimed that, like supporting older versions of iTunes, supporting seniors in the Apple Stores is a expense of time and money and has a detrimental impact on the company’s trendy image.
“We are seeking a pleasant and efficient shopping experience for our customers,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. “And, frankly, old people work against this.
“Many of them smell strange which negatively effects the ambience of the Apple Store. They also want to talk to cashiers incessantly about the weather and what part of their body hurts the most, and that slows down the lines.”
Jobs indicated that banning old people will effectively eliminate the long lines experienced at the Apple Store in Soho, much of which he blamed on a 78-year-old man named Mortimer.
Affecting a voice intended to sound like an elderly man, Jobs hiked his pants up high and walked around with his elbows stuck out comically.
“I can’t read this box!” he said loudly. “I need to use your restroom! I don’t want a computer, my son’s making me buy one!
“Now, let me tell you how things were back in my day! We didn’t have fancy computer stores! Why, one time I had to walk from Williamsport to Montoursville in a snow storm in order to buy a slide rule! Just so I could figure fractions! And this was back when snow was thicker than it is now-a-days!
“Anyway,” Jobs continued, now in full mocking mode, “I had just applied a poultice of bacon grease, garlic and cod liver oil to the cut I got trying to crank-start the Edsel for my pappy, because he had the gout! Some of the local dogs got a whiff of me and chased me clear over to Wilkes-Barre! While I was there, I stopped in the so-dee shop for a root beer float, a pile of flapjacks and a gallon of pure cream that they would inject right into your veins!
“That’s where I met my Mabel! She was a horrible, bumpy little thing – looked like a bag full of tadpoles! But I loved her!”
Rolling his eyes, Jobs pushed his pants back down to his waist and sat down.
“Old people are a pain in the ass,” he concluded. “Many of them do not have their original parts, they’re grumpy, crotchety and prickly, and they never buy anything anyway.
“You know, I’m not really crazy about children in the stores, either.”
Apple’s ban on seniors takes effect Monday.