24 Nov 04Happy Thanksgiving!


In these troubled times, when little Timmy can’t turn on the TV without seeing a desperate, naked housewife jump a football player (it’s so sad they’re so desperate – when will the government do something about this epidemic of desperate housewives?!), it’s important for everyone who reads this site to think about what we are thankful for.

Whether you’re a long-time Mac user, a recent switcher, bi-platform or just Mac-curious, a technology buff, someone actually in the buff, a member of the law enforcement community, the Department of Homeland Security, or the Supreme Headquarters Alien Defense Organisation which all routinely monitor this site, you have much to be thankful for.

Um…

Well, uh…

Ahem.

There’s…

No, no. They took that away.

OK, wait, it’ll come to me.

Er… uh…

OK, well, I know what I’m not thankful for. Maybe that’s a place to start, you know, just to rule some things out.

For example, I’m not thankful that every holiday season brings another Tim Allen movie. I don’t like that. I’m sick of watching him look more and more like William Shatner every year. It’s unpleasant. Distasteful. It burns the eyes and causes a redness that no drops will soothe.

OK. Uh…

I also don’t like the skin that forms on pudding when it’s left in the refrigerator. Why does it have to ruin something that only ever brought joy to the world?

Um, OK, something I’m thankful for…

Oh! Bison meat! Yeah, it’s got less fat than beef and it’s raised more organically and doesn’t have the threat of mad cow!

So, yeah. I’m gonna go with bison meat.

I polled the other people in the office (and we all know how painful that can be!) and here’s what they’re thankful for.

Chet said he was thankful for Tim Allen movies, but I’m pretty sure he just said that to piss me off. He’s been mad at me ever since I said I wouldn’t spring for him to go to Macworld Boston next year. And I’m not paying for his subscription to OS XXX Girls just because it has “OS X” in the title. I’m not. Also, he’s just abbreviating “OS”. It means something I can’t repeat even in these pages.

I’m sure that won’t stop you from speculating in the comments.

The Entity said he was thankful for the dark matter of the universe, without which all matter would go shooting off in all different directions.

Although I had never really thought of it before, I would have to say that I am also thankful for that. Because that doesn’t sound like a lot of fun.

Howard is thankful for kibble.

I’ll just take his word on that. He does seem to enjoy it.

Masako said she was happy for an Objective-C interface called NSPipe, which allows her to provide updating on processes as they occur, instead of at the end.

Right. You know, I understand about every fifth word that she ever says. It makes writing her annual review really hard.

Oh, one thing I want to note. Some people have asked why Scooter, the mail room guy, and our secretary aren’t on the staff page. Well, Scooter actually works for the company that runs the building, so he’s not technically a CARS employee. The secretary has simply asked that she never be identified as being associated with this site ever in any form. I think that back in the mid 1990s she was part of some militant Mac group that supported the violent overthrow of the Microsoft empire, and by court order she’s not supposed to be working on anything involving Macs anymore.

Either that or she’s just embarrassed to be working here. But I prefer to think it’s the former.

Anyway, to come full circle, Ugluk said what he was thankful for was, well, desperate housewives. I don’t know what it is, but married suburban women are on him like bronze on a bronze keyboard PowerBook G3.

OK, that wasn’t a very good analogy, but you get the idea.

So, see, there’s something we can all be thankful for. Except for you, the reader, as we’re going to be off tomorrow and Friday. Tough luck.

We hope you have a happy holiday, though!

Or, a happy Thursday and Friday outside the States.

But I want you to think about what we’ve talked about here.

Um…

Well.

38 Responses to “Happy Thanksgiving!”

  1. Aimon says:

    First Post Baby!!!!!

  2. Sembazuru says:

    You’re late. I’m Canadian. And second.

  3. mr. conspiracy says:

    damn it.

  4. Sembazuru says:

    Wow, no one is commenting.

    If you concentrate hard, you can almost hear the silence.

  5. Anonymous says:

    I’ll give it a shot:

    Original Sexbots XXX

  6. 2000guitars says:

    FIFTH!

    …of scotch…

  7. Anonymous says:

    Oragami Sleeze XXX?

    Orangatans Strip XXX?

    Omelet Sluts XXX?

    Optical Surgery XXX?

    Occasionally Sloppy XXX?

  8. Orthogonal Sexbots XXX Subscriber 01011010 says:

    I’m thankful for CARs for bringing my daily does of sanity to this crazy world I’m forced to deal with during my waking hours.

    Oh… and I’m thankful my employer does pay for my subscription to Orthogonal Sexbots XXX… it’s darn expensive.

  9. phort99 says:

    I’m thankful for ninth posts

  10. MacStansbury says:

    special offer, post now, and get to be the 11th Post™

    hurry, offer ends soon…

  11. John Moltz says:

    I claim zees onziem post in zee name of France.

  12. Huck says:

    I’m pretty sure “eet” is “onzième”, you insensitive clod. I’m thankful for the right to abuse speech freely… in front of random people, whenever, for any reason.

    That and the bison meat, which I really can’t disagree with.

  13. John Moltz says:

    What happens if I try to post a comment pretending I am John Moltz?

  14. Jay dumbass says:

    Hey, was that John Moltz?

  15. MacStansbury says:

    Orange Slushy.

    And I was on the internet within minutes to register my disgust.

  16. John Moltz says:

    See I ma much better at impersonating myse… I mean, at impersonating that Moltz chap…

  17. MacStansbury says:

    what I want to know is who keeps impersonating that baseball player! ah? ah? ha?

    ok so John Smoltz is a reach, but I’m working on fumes here.

    TURKEY fumes…YES!!!

  18. Phill says:

    Shado is real

  19. sjakelien says:

    Open Source

  20. Adam Jackson says:

    OS – oral stimulation?

  21. haineux says:

    I’m thankful that I have all the episodes on DVD, with the bonus footage of Lt Gay Ellis changing her clothing.

    Shiny silver mini skirt and purple wig, RAWR.

    You know what I’m talking about.

  22. caerulea says:

    ELEVENTH!

    the SECOND time around.

  23. username says:

    FIRST!!!!!

    the 23 time around

  24. Anonymous says:

    Huck, it’s :: onze :: , you meaty bastard!

    -.-

  25. PoisedNoise says:

    No, Huck’s right – it’s elevenTH, not eleven. Hence onzième not onze.

    You’re all morons…. 🙂

  26. UhhhDude says:

    Can’t post now. Gotta choose between sweet potato pie and pumpkin pie.

    Mmmmmmm…pie.

    Thank you CARS for your delusions of mediocrity.

    I’m also thankful that, even though I am typing this on a crappy older Mac, it still beats the stuffing out of the Windows experience.

    Now then, if you’ll excuse me…pie.

  27. Brother Mugga says:

    Sorry, but can those concerned please stop arguing about Frog-ese when we’re trying to concentrate on fishnet tops and purple wigs.

    Mmmm. Now if you excuse me I have to nip off and play with my ‘interceptor’.

    Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving, Yanks. Cheers for taking all those religious psychos off our hands. We owe you one.

    PS: Orgasmic Secretions? Sorry, but Moltz did practically *dare* us to be smutty…

  28. Keiko says:

    I don’t usually comment, but I insist on pointing out that at this Safe for work link http://www.otakubell.com/os-girls/ you can find a manga featuring the OS Girls, it’s even translated for you English only people. The OS XXX Girls are just the work of a perverted fan of the original, I’m not providing a link to that kind of hentai though. Find it on your own.

  29. Huck says:

    He’s right about one thing though, I *am* a meaty bastard.

  30. Huck says:

    Onward, Semen: XXX!

  31. fuddes says:

    Can I say “cunt” on here without being censored? What about “fuck”?

  32. Offica Pup says:

    Yes, you can, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you should. Shame on you for adding such innappropriate language to a forum so full of articulate…

    Um, intellligent…

    No, maybe thoughtful…

    Oh, heck, just shame on you.

  33. Adam says:

    Thirty-third! (It’s special because it’s a multiple of 11.)

  34. Pengu says:

    Stupid number…counting….people.

    “ooh, thirty-fucking-fourth.” whoopy shit. you’re all lame…

    i love you all like a fat kid loves cake….

    actually. more like a fat kid likes exercise in summer…

  35. some guy says:

    is it wrong that the third link for “os xxx girls” is the Connecticut Transvestite Personals… why moltz… i didnt think you were into that sort of thing…

    the complete list rounds out at

    1. CARS

    2. something where the description is ultra porn zone.

    3. Connecticut Transvestites

    4. gruppensex (be sure to translate the page!)

    5. frat spanking

    and of course, you can see the omitted results if you wish… as for me, i think i have seen all i need to

  36. Baal says:

    Just a heads-up for all you first-post fanatics (idiots?). You can get a tee-shirt with “First Post” imprited now! Here’s the link: http://www.geekculture.com/geekculturestore/webstore/firstpost.html

    Enjoy!

  37. pron fan says:

    I would post something Hi-lare-ious, but the latest issue of Obese Stank xxx girls just arrived.

  38. Anonymous says:

    orithopter simulation

    its a fairly narrow fetish…