02 Dec 04Shocking Photo Reveals Ballmer With iPod, Alien Bat Boy Love Child.


Ace Crazy Apple Rumors Site photographer Howard (the talking dog) has obtained a shocking photograph of Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer espousing the superiority of the Apple iPod.

According to Howard, through the use of special dog stealth techniques (I think that just means he clipped his toenails short), he was able to sneak into a secret meeting at the Microsoft campus and snap only this picture before being ejected by the company’s jack-booted thugs.

From the position of Ballmer’s lips, he is apparently about to point out how “bitching” the iPod is.

Or “preeminent.”

Maybe “promigulent.” I… don’t think that’s a word, though.

It could be “puppies.”

Or…

Well, anyway…

While the iPod is, of course, what immediately draws your attention, if you look closely you will note that Ballmer is seated next to a young alien bat boy. Clearly, this creature is the product of an unholy union between Ballmer and one of the flying mammal women of the 12th moon of Regulus IV.

Anyone who knows the artwork of Boris Vallejo knows what I’m talking about.

It’s hard to decide which is more shocking, the fact that Microsoft’s chief executive has been caught pimping Apple’s hottest product, or the fact that he’s making it with alien bat women.

I mean, used to be that the flying mammal women of the 12th moon of Regulus IV had some standards.

What was it? The money? Was it the money?! Because…

Also, there was some talk going around that Ballmer was actually sitting on the Ark of the Covenant.

However, that can neither be confirmed or denied.

38 Responses to “Shocking Photo Reveals Ballmer With iPod, Alien Bat Boy Love Child.”

  1. timothy_gormley says:

    first

  2. me says:

    My first first post! Yay!

  3. Anonymous says:

    Drats… just beat me. Way to ruin my fun.

  4. John Moltz says:

    Hey, the post below is still… er… virgin.

  5. Ozi says:

    Nope. Not anymore! 😀

  6. timothy_gormley says:

    Yes, I read the whole thing, the dog, the boy and the ipod – and still posted first. After a year and lurking, reading – yes ! first.

    However, it has been a day of humiliation and failure before this….I will tell some of it.

    As someone in “middle management” in a Naval Hospital – where we try to help those who are seriously hurt (truly mangled and damaged young bodies back from overseas) – I have to deal with a patient complaint about my waiting room television being too loud.

    YES THE GOD DAMN TELEVISION. If your biggest problem is the god damn television being too loud and for that you call the hospital deputy commander – you have a life of meaningless fluff that I cannot and do not wish to understand. Yet, as every complaint is important if it comes from certain sectors, it must be dealt with seriously.

    I have to have a meeting tomorrow about a god damn television.

    My wife beat me 199 to 56 in scrabble.

    Tomorrow also have to take my 8 y/o son to the dentist and probably have him scarred for life. Hating me in expensive psychotherapy after my wife divorces me for a language expert.

    First ? you can have my first. Take some of my pain as well.

  7. Daddy Bartholomew says:

    Whoa, Gormley, I feel your pain. Really, I do. Hey, any time a game of Scrabble doesn’t get into a total score of 600 at a bare minimum speaks unabridged volumes about the players! And actually having the brass to publicly announce that your wife only scored 199? Man, that television thing must really have gotten you twisted round the bend!

    On a less cheery note, it is with sorrow that I must announce that Howard has clearly been diddling Motz with his so-called “scoops”. That photograph is clearly a poorly mocked-up Photoshop fake!

    All you have to do is count the fingers on this alleged “bat boy”, and you will instantly realize that he is a blatant imposter.

    Bad dog, Howard. No biscuit!

  8. Steve Ballmer's Rabbit says:

    Damn!!! For 15 minutes I’m pressing refresh, I go for a snuggle in Steve’s lap and …Wham!!! Bam!!! posteroonies.

    p.s. if you look closely at the photo. See the bulge under Steve’s blou.. er shirt? That’s me.

  9. Bellidancer says:

    Nice try Ballmer. We all know how sensitive you are about the EMBT (excessive male breast tissue), trying to make us think the EMBT is a cute little bunny is crazy.

    Wait… this is shameless promoter Ballmer. This high priest of shotty computing. Claiming to be a rabbit is nothing compared to his claims about Windows.

  10. MacStansbury says:

    come on, Howard’s got mad Photoshoppin’ skillz.

    it’s how he maintains enough financial capital to ensure that his fiduciary responsibilities are…um…sizzle.

    More Howard!

  11. PETA Legal says:

    Steven Ballmer is hereby served notice that his abuse of innocnet helpless animals has been recorded. Rabbits were not created by the devine goddess to be subjected to the humiliation and degradation of serving as part of Ballmers underclothing.

    We would be willing to settle now for 37.5 billion and a promise from Ballmer that he will not come within 500 feet of any animal without supervision by a PETA licensed animal advocate.

  12. PoisedNoise says:

    Whoa, and you can tell they’re serious, that this is no PETA impostor, because they don’t even mention the fact that they’ve taken eleventh post….

    serious stuff.

  13. PsykoGOne says:

    Meow, Meow meoww meeowoww meuw.

    That was “Ode To Meuw,” thank you.

    Does Balmer have dentures?

  14. Anonymous says:

    so how DOES one find the megapost now?

    **suffering withdrawal**

  15. Steve Ballmer's Rabbit says:

    But PETA, I am a rabbit of freewill (don’t get excited, not free willy) and anyway it’s so cosy in there, smelly to a degree but but oh so cosy.

    Please don’t get any ideas about breaking me out of Balbo’s mansion and setting me free in some dark wolf infested forest.

  16. BraggyBee says:

    Yeah, that’s what you get when your staff-photographer is a dog: B/W-pictures. Silly animals can’t see colors.

    Now if you had a bee as staff-photographer… you know, we can see colors you ain’t never even heard of!

    (You haven’t heard of Twirkune, Blesh and Solm have you?)

  17. Del says:

    The Mega Post is now at http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/cgi-bin/mt/first-post.cgi?entry_id=230

    Batboy is so cool. I still have the WWN (Weekly World News) on my wall of when Batboy stole a Mini Cooper from the Detroit dealership and when on a rampage down to Flordia. (btw the dealership he stole the Mini from is the same one I got my car from. I brought the article with me to the dealership and they got a kick out of it).

  18. MacStansbury says:

    It’s “Mega-Post” and it’s at:

    http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/archives/000230.html#000230

    so there, n’yeah!

  19. Del says:

    It used to be the Mega-Post, but the Moltz has spoken!

    ” If you’ve linked to a previous post’s comment section (cough – Mega Post – cough), your link will stop working when we change the name of the script.

    We’re not deleting the Mega Post, so don’t get your panties in a wad.”

  20. Bart says:

    Its not a rabbit, its Boo from baldursgate. Ballmer looks like Minsc (human chaotic evil ?)

  21. poserdad says:

    I just spent several grueling days, and sleepless nights going throught the CARS archives. I found something shocking! It appears the “John Moltz” is the only one who posts the stories. WHAT IS GOING ON OVER THERE??? Why don’t you let anyone else post? I’m begining to think that there is only one (bear with me here, I am still investigating) ONLY ONE COMPUTER AT CARS HEADQUATERS!!!!! And “John Moltz” is hogging it. Probably has it locked down so the others can’t login! If this is true, we have to reevaluate the credibility of CARS as an official, sanctioned Apple Rumor site.

    In you service,

    Poserdad

  22. Can NEITHER conform OR deny?

    My gosh, you’ve forgotten all those lessons I taught you in grade school I see. It’s Neither NOR or Either OR!

    Now, let me swat your knuckles with a ruler and go stand in the corner until Ballmer finally admits OS X is superior to Windows. Or Longhorn is released. Your choice.

    Love,

    Mrs. Twila B Kendall

  23. Ach du lieber!

    Mr. or Ms. Bee. Of course we know what Solm is! It’s the town where the new factory is where they make all new Leica cameras and lenses!

    Well, it’s acutally Solms. But it’s named after the color from which only Leica lenses have the extreme anomalous dispersion and high enough refractive index to actually bring them into the same focusing plane as the other colors. Leica lenses are second to none! And I should know, since I built the firt Leica lens in 1913!

    Now you may ask why such a serious discussion comes out in such a silly topic! I’ll tell you. Howard the dog has our new 21mm-90 F/1 Tele Apo Macro Aspheric Solmsomatic Noctilux lens in his camera bag, along with the only prototype of the Leica M9 digital rangefinder camear! He took this picture of Ballmer and Batboy. If he had not used this lens, the batboy would have appeared as he looks to normal mortals – Sean Hannity!

  24. David Griffiths says:

    Shouldn’t that be “An unholy union between Ballmer and a human”?

  25. Del says:

    What human would have him?

  26. I woke up this morning to discover that someone had tattoo’ed the entire mega-post on my left fore-arm. Doc says it’ll cost $6.2 million dollars for laser removal. I’m sending you the bill for this, Moltz!

  27. Del says:

    You must have really big arms!

  28. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    Monsieur Bartholomew, I am surprised you neglected to point out the unfortunate relationship between a dog reporter and “scoops.”

  29. PETA Legal says:

    To the rabbit formerly know as Steve Ballmer’s Rabbit:

    You poor creature! Indoctrinated and mindwashed into thinking that living near to Steve Ballmer’s skin is perferable to living wild and free in the great and holy outdoors. Your desire to stay with Ballmer removes your desires from consideration however,

    Silly rabbit, We at PETA Legal care for the concept of “Rabbit”, not your miserable little hide. We care not if upon release a hawk swoops down and eats you for that is the divine cycle of life.

    Besides, the money is not to protect or rehabiliate you, it is to ensure we don’t have to get a real job. Hey, the cost of mountain cabins with running water, heating and airconditioning, full satellite hookups with the preminiun channels, and broadband internet connections has gone up like you would not believe.

  30. Streetrabbit says:

    Oh! light so bright mine eyes do burn . I bring shame upon my entire species. Henceforth I shall take leave of this place to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations — to boldly go where no lepus has gone before.

    AND I should also mention that Steve was so freaked by these PETA postings (all he knows about Apple – he gets it here.) Anyway he wrapped my belongings in a little red hankie, put it on a stick and told me we were finished.

  31. Big Bad Wolf says:

    +++ RIP +++

    Streetrabbit

    (AKA STeve Ballmer’s Rabbit)

    A bouncing bunny

    Tries to flee but sadly fails

    Delicious fast food.

  32. BorisFan says:

    Rabbits. Smabbits.

    I want to know who in the hell (otherwise known as Regulan Space) thinks Ballmer could make it past first base with a flying mammalian woman of the 12th moon of Regulus IV?

    No chance. Nada. Zilch.

    She would have to be very, very drunk and he would likely prematurely….. well, you know.

  33. Oncewasarabbit says:

    I may have been a rabbit, but Psycko is right. He does have dentures.

    Ireallywasarabbit

  34. Bellidancer says:

    Morbid Haiku!!

    Aarrgg!! There must be Mega Posters in here.

    Come on John, it’s 10:45 EST. Where is our Friday Update?

  35. Steve Ballmer says:

    must be using california governors canidate’s photo retoucher of bill simon – best known for the photo of gray davis taking a bribe – lost all credibility, lost election. only a non expert can’t tell this picture is a fake, the ipod is too soft compared to the rest of the picture.

    hire a pro.

    Microsoft’s chief executive might have an ipod maybe evev a g5? but this phot ain’t it.

  36. Streetrabbit says:

    please let me explain,

    steve’s pursed lip,

    unlike Howard,

    i do not clip.

    i scratch and claw,

    i wriggly around,

    until i hear,

    that screaming sound.

    then it’s in the cage,

    and out with the stick,

    look away PETA,

    what’s next is sick.

    when he want’s some fur,

    that man is rough,

    but not anymore,

    i’ve had enough.

    my life will change,

    out on the street,

    i’ll meet new bunnies,

    that’ll be sweet.

  37. MacStansbury says:

    hey…move on…get a life.

    nobody posts on these old threads…

    wait, what am I doing here…

  38. The Insider says:

    Actual Ballmer is:

    “Batboy will now devour this iPod whole!”