Ah, Crap.

I’m sitting here as the Entity is opening a turbulent trans-spacial portal that we will shortly jump into to battle Tentaculous somewhere around the Crab Nebula (there’s a lot of seafood in outer space, have you noticed?), and I have one last second to check on the state of Mac rumors before I must hurl myself into this swirling mass of energy, to an unknown fate…

… and I see this.

That’s great. That’s just great.

Well, look, if they do announce a cheap, high-powered Mac that slices bread and makes Julienne fries and galactic pie, well, buy me a dozen.

I’ll totally reimburse you.

Totally.

(Offer of reimbursement void on planet Earth.)

Oh, and CTHULHU, could you water the plants? Huck’s already agreed to take out the recycling. And Cai’s going to bring in the mail.

And I see Greenacres and Uhhhdude and Psyko and MacStansbury and Liebnitz and Skip and The Evil Invisible Boy’s Choir and John C. Randolph and Ozi and Streetrabbit and Dan and Bellidancer and Hank and…

68 thoughts on “Ah, Crap.”

  3. Can I have an explanation of what the fuck (pardon my French 😉 this first post thing is about?

    It seems to be the whole comment system of CARSÂ…

  4. Since the beginning its just been like that. No one knows how and why….. its just always been that way.

    And its fun.

    btw, Fourth!!!

  5. Let’s depants the dweeb who doesn’t get first post!

    Someone grab his legs, he looks like a kicker!

  10. Yeah, about that recycling…

    First off, I must commend you guys on your paper recycling in particular. I’ve never seen such an eclectic collection of porn. And that’s the stuff you were recycling, wow.

    No wonder you guys talk about sexbots all the time — think of the trees you’d save!

    Also, in the future, I do not recommend that you attempt to recycle a well-used water bong… you law offenders, you!

  13. Wow! I’ve been mentioned in a Crazy Apple Rumors article!

    ..but I was having so much fun being jealous of Vink.

    Anyhow, happy new year, everybody. I think I’m going to hop on a flight to Vegas to catch Flick’s new revue. Maybe I can tag along with the Invisible Evil Boy’s Choir and get the group rate.

    -jcr

  16. HAH! I was, like, totally mentioned!

    *giggles and flounces like a blonde cheerleader*

    *straightens tie and coughs uncertainly*

    Ok, so I like dressing in short skirts. Is there anything wrong with that?!?!

  17. sniff…this is like…sniff…like….sniff…like…well the best day of my rotten lepus life.

    Well no hang on. Tomorrow’s New Years Eve and Sydney fireworks and shiraz and cheese and…

    Yeah. Being mentioned in CARS is like…so so what?

    New Year’s poem/rap.

    you can take your fries

    and galactic pies

    and stick em up your..

    coz i’m watchin’ the skies

    colours explode

    i’ve got a load

    of i don’t know what

    coz i haven’t thought of it

    should i preview this post

    or just hit the button

    them galactic pies

    are sure full of mutton

    See because I have the tune in my head that all sounded really good and flowed so well, but to most of you, it probably sounded idiotic, which is OK because..you see…I’m an idiot.

  18. That’s UhhhDude, dude. Capital D.

    Also, if you need to, I can mow the lawn for you. Not that there’e much grass left out front.

    (I won’t ask why those bare spots resemble crop circles. Must be an Entity thing.)

    And sign me up for a Headless iMac! It just sounds so…macabre.

    Anyway, catch you later. Gotta catch the Invisible Evil Boy’s Choir rehearsal. They’re performing New Year’s Eve down at the Rusty Nail for their “Armageddonit-on” celebration. Sounds like a winner to me.

  19. Let me just add: It’s an honor to be mentioned among John’s list of Little People.

    But let me also throw out this bone and see who chews on it. I think there is a WAY too obvious connection between John’s sudden announcement of a so-called “Road Trip” to another galactic dimension AND the tsunami catastrophe in the Indian Ocean. Knowing John as I do, I strongly suspect the Road Trip is a cover for John’s true purpose: a humanitarian mission to grief-stricken areas swarming with suffering masses. John simply cannot sit idly by when thousands desperately need food, water, medical help and someone who can get their e-mail up and running using a Professor-ish concoction of coconut shells, bamboo and surplus wire.

    John, of course, is too modest to toot his own humanitarian horn, which explains the subterfuge. But, if my hunch is correct, let me just say: Bon voyage, Saint John, and godspeed! I will make sure your newspaper delivery is suspended.

  21. Well hell. I guess I will start signing posts if John is going to start referencing us…

    About the “First Post” thing (or “Frost Pist”, if you prefer). I first notice that sort of thing on slashdot.org six/seven years back. Seems that people take great pride in having the first comment on a heavily commented forum. Hoping that they will get “m4d propz” for their “s!k cars camping skillz”. Or something.

    Obviously only the true fans of cars will obsessively reload the front page in breathless anticipation of an update. Don’t care what the update is. Don’t even bother to read it. Must get Frost Pist!

  22. Frost Pist?

    Sounds like an accident in a snowstorm. Ouch.

    I’ll take First Post (for $200, Alex), any time.

  24. No John, your name was not not mentioned because there are too many of you. It was not mentioned because of the kinds of things you do. Like that link, it makes his mission look kind of goofy and unrealistic. I mean really who has ever heard of some natural formation named like that? We all know that this threat is real and not just some astronomers hoax.

  25. SURE, I’LL WATER YOUR PUNY EARTH PLANTS…WITH UNSPEAKABLE HORROR! THEY WILL EXUDE DANK PHOSPHORESCENT EVIL UPON YOUR RETURN!!

    OH, AND THERE’LL BE A FROG…DON’T ASK WHY, BUT THERE ALWAYS IS!!!

  26. I propose that all of us who weren’t mentioned by name in the article boycot cars, and bitch like little girls about how maybe john doesn’t like us, or we can all sit around with some hookers and booze while the hiatus is happening and think up of ways to get mentioned in a cars post?

    Geez, do you have to be some sort of apple executive or crazed fan to some props around here?

  27. I’m a crazed fan, so maybe you do need to be one or the other.

    BTW, who are you, I have never heard of you before.

  28. Wait wait wait…

    How come Del doesn’t have to do any work? It’s not fair!

    I mean, look at her! She’s sitting over there in the jacuzzi eating bon-bons and throwing the wrappers on the ground for us to pick up. And frankly, the things she does with the sexbots are so distracting! How does anyone get any work done around here?

    I swear I’m gonna stop picking up the wrappers — I’m serious too, this is ridiculous. I’m just gonna get this last one… and that’s it… well, this one here… shoot, I can’t leave that one…

    I can stop any time I like, and I will too. You’ll see…

  29. Here’s one for Streetrabbit.

    I thought you might be feeling homesick for the holidays.

    Since I’ve been going by a different Nom De Plume with each post I think I’ll start using my favorite rock musical’s title anti-hero.

  30. First post for someone who just ate a Krispy Kreme cream-filled donut!

    Hahahaha ***burp*** ahahahahahah

    Oh, and as for cheap Macs. I got it coverd for ya Molz, or Motz, or Mort, whever your name is. I’ll be at MWSF. I’ll get ya the one Steve Jobs introduces the world to…

    [offer not valid in the first 11 dimensions of time or space]

    And what’s with the boy’s choir? Reminds me of a joke.

    A teacher, Donald Trump and a priest are in an airplane with the evil boy’s choir. The plane catches on fire (from their singing no doubt) and it’s going down. The teacher says “What about the children?” Donald Trump says “Screw the children.” And the priest said “There’s no time!”

    Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oomph!!!!

  31. Good luck in your fight for Galactic freedom. We await your successdul return.

    … except for that molecule thing, and the quantum weapons, and all…

    If you don’t make it, does it become like “loot the coma victim”? It’s a land rush for the server, computer accounts, etc.

    Ya-hoo!!

    Uh,… sorry. I mean good luck. Really… Good. Luck.

  32. I LEIK PIE!!! MAY ALL YOUR SOULS ENJOY A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

    SO I CAN DEVOUR TEHM IN 2k5!!1@`1!!~! GLAARKU IS TEH L33T HAX0R. PIE IS TEH AW3S0OMSS

  33. SORRY, GLAARKU IS DRUNK ON SOULS AGAIN, THIS IS HIS BROTHER BLAARKU… HE JUST PASSED OUT OVER THE KEYBOARD. WHAT A MESS. OKAY, SORRY ABOUT THAT!

    ALL HAIL BLAARKU, CLEANER UPPER OF GLAARKU’S MESSES…

    AW CRAP!!!

  35. I don’t know if I get the Brian De Palma reference but I think I know where Del’s sweaty pics came from. Kind of made me think of a Hitler for the noughties.

    Reveal thyself.

  36. Since the Crab Nebula is prreeeetty close to us, I hope the Entity decided to fight Tentaculous BEFORE he ate most of our galaxy…. Damned 8-dimensional armed critter….

  39. Where is the next article?

    I was expecting at least somebody to do some article spoof in this comment box thing.

  40. COMMENT BOX WRITES ARTICLE

    In a stunning move that has left CARS readers stunned, the normally shy and reserved Comments Box has taken over article writing duties from the existing CARS staff. CARS readers, though stunned, have expressed skepticism towards the change.

    “That’s bullshit. A cgi script could never convincingly parody journalistic style!”, exclaimed a nearby blender.

    The blender retracted its statement after being shown examples of recent articles published in popular american newspapers.

    Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen pointed to the handle that the CARS Comments Box posted under as evidence that a sub-$500 “headless” Macintosh announcement is imminent.

    “‘Huck’ is a name previously used by a sly, sexy hunk of man-flesh that frequents the CARS comment threads…”

    Ms. Heinen licked her lips provocatively before continuing.

    “So why would the Comments Box choose to post under someone else’s name?”

    In reply, the CARS Comments Box noted that Moltz himself contrived staff members and referenced them often so as to create the illusion that there were multiple contributors to his website. The Comments Box indicated that it was merely trying to stay “true to CARS’ roots.”

    The sudden turmoil has had the effect of bringing out all the crazies in the Mac-humor community.

    “I don’t think Nancy was trying to give evidence for a sub-$500 Mac,” argued Apple CEO Steve Jobs ineffectively.

    “Helloooo?! She works here!”

    As for why the Comments Box has abruptly taken over article writing duties, no one is certain.

    “Where is the next article?” demanded Psyko, an impatient CARS reader, “I was expecting at least somebody to do some article spoof in this comment box thing.”

    Despite the changes one thing seems clear: for Macintosh aficionados and scroll-button fetishists alike, the future has never been brighter.

    – CARS Comments Box

  42. BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX!

    BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX!

    BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX!

    BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX!

    BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX!

    BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX! BOX!

  43. Um,

    I may be a boxsuh, but I weely weely wike dat song by duh eefull boiz kwiar. Wep-we-zent!

    I also wood wike to know if dat comment box is a woman? I mean, I normally don’t respond to women unless I fornicate with them. So she shouldn’t write anymore … Unless she wants to, you know.

  44. Huck you missed a couple of wrappers.

    What a great vacation I haven’t had to do anything! I haven’t gotten out of the hot tub once and since the hot tub is filled with Vodka I’ve been able to get completely wasted. It is getting a little cool in here though. Hey one of you poor slobs who got suckered… I mean honored into working for CARS during the break could you turn the heat up?

    It’s funny I have that one little accident with the iFlame and iThingy and I’m never trusted to do anything again. Oh and there was that accident with the three hole paper punch but that was SO not my fault.

  46. Ok I really can’t count. Must cut down on Vodka’s and Bun Bun’s…. Actually counting is overrated.

    Must eat more bun buns and drink more vodka.

  47. Well…go on vacation for a few days and what happens… All hell breaks loose!

    Item one – The Great Galactic Struggle againt the Terrible Tyrany of Tentaculous

    John Moltz, I am there for you buddy. Can I send any home-made cookies to you and your valiant warriors? (Doesn’t the Entity like the ones with fuel cell and microchip bits? )

    Just let us know how we can support our brave and daring troops as you teleport off into danger.

    Ahhh… a question, as the publisher and staff of CARS, you and your staff have been “journalists”. Now you are crossing the line and becoming combatants. Does that mean you will not be journalizing…er…reporting? If so, how about we embed a reporter?

    Item Two – Apple Rumors

    Headless Macs! Driveless iPods! Officeless Productivity! WOW!!!!!! Too bad I am Moneyless Broke!

    Item Three – WOW…DOUBLE WOW!!! I MADE IT!!!!

    Thanks for the Christmas present, John. Being mentioned in a CARS article is something I will always treasure.

    Item Four – (Personal Note to Psyko)

    Your childish taunt rolls off my impenetrable psyche.

    Additional Item – Embeds

    John, would the role of an embed be really, really dangerous on your mission? If so, I would like to nominate Psyko. If not, I think Del would fit in well with your crew. She needs to get her confidence back after that accident, (If you would just lay off the vodka for awhile, Del, these “accidents” would happen ALOT less often.) John, if you could show Del you trusted her with an important assignment like reporting on your mission, I think her whole life would be turned around. (Del, really…sitting around in a hot tub full of vodka. You’ve got to pull yourself together.)

    We could find some place else around here to embed Psycho.

  48. Ok I’ll behave.

    In order to be more responsible I’m going to teach a class to the sexbots about fire safety. Mostly fire safety around large vats of Vodka, but there will also be fire safety around gas stations, fire safety around jet fuel and fire safety around polyester. (Yes I’m looking at you Cai.)

    I do have experience fighting tentacled creatures so I may be able to help. Well mostly I really like to eat tentacled creatures, but I make a killer Lemon Aioli so clean up after the battle should be quite tasty.

  49. Del, do you have a tentacled creature recipe John could use? Of course he would have to adjust the recipe from a half a pound of squid to several thousand megatons(?) of tentacled horror. The mind boggles at the thought of how much lemon juice he might need.

  50. Damn that turbulent trans-spacial portal. One of you knuckleheads screwed up the time line. One second I was on my couch eating Fritos, surfing the net, doing my usual nothing, the next I found myself running a nasty pinko political web site.

    Damn you!

    Where are my Fritos, dammit?

    Listen I know about The Entity’s problem….with Drano. Send me back to my couch, or I’ll spill to everyone.

    Or something.

    Damn.

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