19 Jan 05Apple Reintroduces Product Matrix.


After a blockbuster Macworld San Francisco, Apple has quietly reintroduced its erstwhile product matrix, which previously divided products into “Professional” and “Consumer” categories.

While the public use of the product matrix had fallen by the wayside, it was still clearly in use within Apple and was a determining factor in the rationalization of Apple’s product offerings.

According to sources in the know, the product matrix has been updated to reflect the introduction of the “low-end” Mac Mini and iPod Shuffle. Sources indicate that, in addition to the “Professional” and “Consumer” categories, Apple has added a third category for its new offerings: “Guys Named Moe.”

“It’s our considered opinion that there are a lot of guys named Moe out there,” said Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller. “We intend to offer stylized, sophisticated and technologically state-of-the-art products that fit the various Moes’ price range.”

In mid-2003, Apple convened a panel of Moes and presented them with several potential product designs. Based on the results, the company began development of the Mac Mini, the iPod Shuffle and a chopped meat sandwich with horse radish, lettuce, and mustard on a kaiser roll that it later abandoned when a quality producer of kaiser rolls could not be found in Taiwan.

Several other products that met with the approval of the Moes are rumored to be still in the works. One is a hat that allows a user to hold beverages on his head and consume them through a straw and another helps the user scratch himself in those hard-to-reach areas.

47 Responses to “Apple Reintroduces Product Matrix.”

  1. Jay says:

    Can it be?

  2. Jay says:

    Oh, I’m feeling sooo damn smug now

    Go Jay

    Go Jay

    Go Jay

  3. Jay says:

    Of course the eight hour time difference is on my side – really must go and read the post now 🙂

  4. Hey Moe says:

    Why I oughta… You knuckle-heads

    An obligatory “Hey Moe, Hey Moe”!!! can be found at http://www.threestooges.com/downloads/sounds/cshuffle.mp3

  5. Aimon says:

    fifth…. damn you Jay

  6. MacPowerr says:

    Mooooeee!!!

  7. Moe says:

    Reuben sandwiches and scratching your back…….

    Sounds like a perfect Wednesday night to me.

  8. 2nd Moe says:

    mmmmmmm … kaiser roll ….

  9. terry wogan says:

    Hi there, question for any americans here:

    Have you ever watched the eurovision songcontest on TV?

  10. The Phantom says:

    No…….but I got 11th

  11. terry wogan says:

    What about trifle? Do you know what a trifle is?

  12. Aimon says:

    i know what trifle is, but thats because my mum is irish….. and well if you add enough alcohol to trifle its gooooooood.

    I think thats why my mum makes now that i come to think about it.

  13. The Phantom says:

    Are you talking about the yummy desert?

  14. terry wogan says:

    So trifle and the eurovision song contest have this in common: the more alcohol you add, the better they get. Plus, it would seem few people are brave enough to admit to knowing either of them.

    Thank you CARS Comments section.

  15. Moe says:

    Apple never asked ME to test any products for them! Edible or otherwise…

    And “horseradish” is one word, Moltz.

    Sincerely,

    Moe

  16. Why do Moes get all the attention? The 23 Moes I know all use PCs. Or is this part of Apple’s strategy to create Swtichers?

    It just seems so unfair. How come Apple never does anything with Mortimers in mind? What would be better than a Mac mini for Mortimer?

  17. Brother Mugga says:

    1) Wogan, stop dissing Eurovision; you know it’s your lifeblood.

    2) Just remind me . . . *how* many ‘guy’s named Moe’ should there be. Precisely.

    3) Sherry Trifle; always guaranteed to crush the skull of Christmas as it flops feebly across the tarmac of the festive season.

    4) Er. . . woah – where did that come from..?

  18. pmsg says:

    I know there were “Five Guys Named Moe” in New York for a while, which may explain the deli sandwich, but other than that, it’s hard to say just how big this demographic really is…

    (http://www.ibdb.com/production.asp?ID=4671)

  19. GLAARKU says:

    I know what a trifle is, I have the Fawlty Towers DVD set!!! 🙂 Everything I know about British culture I have gleened from watching Monty Python, Blackadder, Mr. Bean, The Prisoner, Red Dwarf, Fawlty Towers and The Young Ones. What more could there be?

  20. The Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    Matrix! Matrix! Matrix! Matrix! Matrix! Matrix! Matrix!

    Matrix! Matrix! Matrix! Matrix! Matrix! Matrix! Matrix!

    Matrix! Matrix! Matrix! Matrix! Matrix! Matrix! Matrix!

    Matrix! Matrix! Matrix! Matrix! Matrix! Matrix! Matrix!

  21. John C. Randolph says:

    Aargh! Someone spilled the beans on the iScratch? Man, I can’t believe it!

    -jcr

  22. Bellidancer says:

    The Product Matrix was a cool/stupid idea. It might seem cool at first, but the underlying assumptions are stupid and elitist. Apple (Jobs) decided customers were too stupid to figure out which Mac they wanted. That assumes Apple’s average customer has the IQ of a Moe (sorry Moe… John started this!) Apple fanatics never had a problem with too much choice. The problem wasn’t too much choice it was crappy products. Remember the Performa line? The flaming powerbooks? And the machines were butt-ugly.

  23. Anonymous says:

    You’re = you are

    It’s = it is

    It’s so simple, Moltz!

  24. Psyko says:

    Did you know that the code name for the Professional line was Psyko? They named it that because it was the only stuff they made that could keep up with my superior intellect.

  25. Bellidancer says:

    That was sooo psyko.

  26. =jobspheous says:

    wake up Moe,

    the product matrix has you.

    follow the white media player.

  27. The Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE!

    MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE! MOE!

    … you get the idea

  28. Brother Mugga says:

    Hey guy’s, lay off Moltz’s apostrophe ‘issues’.

    (Sorry about that one earlier; although clearly I really *did* mean ‘guy is’ honest. Shut up.)

  29. MacStansbury says:

    hey GLAARKU! stay in character, man. er, thing. monster. whatever.

    more yelling and devouring and THE ENTRAILS OF THE UNBELIEVERS WILL FILL MY DESERT BOWL and destroying of worlds and your puny Moe’s can’t stand up to my mighty powers and GLAARKU SMASH and MY EVIL BUDDY DR. RICE WILL DEFEAT SEN. BOXER (D-CA) BEFORE LEADING HER CAMPAIGN TO BECOME YOUR WORLD’S LEADER by being socially moderate but demonstratively hawkish on defense AND TURN THE STREETS INTO RIVERS OF BLOOD!!!

    and how come no mention of the Office?

  30. Streetrabbit says:

    It’s now official. Thanks to Apple’s prefixing, “i” has now become the most populous letter in the dictionary, taking over from long time champion “s”.

    When approached for comment “s” cordially congratuled “i” and whished it lots of success in it’s new role.

    “There’s a lot of responsibility goes with the position that a lot of letters don’t understand.”

    “s” then went on to say that it had seen the Apple product matrix and could only see great things happening for “i”

  31. GLAARKU says:

    ALL HAIL, YOU KNOW WHO!!!!

    SHIVER ME TIMBERS… OH WAIT, THAT’S MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME… HOLY CRAP ON A STICK, I’M OUT FOR SOME SOULS ALREADY!!!! GLAARKU’S GOT SWEET BRIT COMEDIES ON TAP, OH YEAH: <= BET YA DIDN’T THINK I’D USE THE FULL COLON, HUH? :::::: <=== FULL COLONS, BABY!!! FOUL COLINS!!! JUST LIKE MINE AFTER I DEVOUR TONS OF YUMMY SOULS OF THE UNBELIEVERS AND WINDOWS DEVELOPERS ALIKE, LIKE GRAPES ON THE VINE, BUT NOT THE ONES WITH THE SEEDS IN THEM, THEY GET STUCK IN GLAARKU’S TEETH. WHERE WAS I? OH YEAH, GLAARKU HAS HEARD MANY GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE OFFICE, AND GLAARKU, OR GLAARKY AS MY DEMONGOD FRIENDS CALL ME (OR IF YOU HIT THE WRONG KEY ON THE KEYBOARD, THEY MAKE THESE FOR PUNY HUMAN HANDS) WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO CHECK OUT THIS HIGHLY REGARDED BRIT SERIES. GLAARKU IS NOT SURE IF HE SHOULD RENT IT OR JUST BUY IT. I HAVE NOT SEEN IT AT COSTCO YET. I DID BLINDLY BUY NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, AND WAS QUITE PLEASED WITH THAT PURCHASE. THAT’S ALL I GOT!

    CHECK YOURSELF BEFO…

    I MEAN, ALL HAIL GLAARKU!!!!

    CTHULHU ROCKS!!!

    LOST PRIEST!!!

  32. Streetrabbit says:

    Spooky time same incident.

  33. Anonymous says:

    I thought ‘e’ was the most popular letter of the alphabet. ‘S’ is only second or third.

  34. Psyko says:

    Was there any doubt it was me Bellidancer? Or am I just lost?

  35. Streetrabbit says:

    “e” is the most popular letter but “s” is the most frequent initial letter.

    Or rather it was. Now it’s “i”. Thanks to ipod, imac, itrip, ilife, idvd, iflame, isandwich…ietc…ietc

  36. Rats. If Apple’s product line names means that “i” has over taken “s” as the most popular letter in he alphabet, than that means there will be even fewer vowels available in my “Vowels for Bosnia” campaign. Probably just as well. I am getting NO press with this tsunami thing still dominatiing the headlines.

    Anyone here want to donate some vowels for Bosnia?

  37. Strtrabbit says:

    You can have my “e”s

  38. UhhhDude says:

    Down South Apple has developed a flying bird robot thingy. It’s called the iSwan.

    (silence)

    Get it? iSwan? As in, “Well I swan!” No?

    Never mind. There are more names than that in the Mac Matrix.

    Plus, you get to wear these cool leather coats.

  39. MacStansbury says:

    A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

    Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.

    Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

    Banning the bra was a big flop.

    I’m bored.

  40. Psyko says:

    You can have my “u”s. Everything else I need for Apple PowerMacintosh G5.

  41. Streetrabbit says:

    Please don’t abandon this post until “Well I swan!” is explained.

    IT’S KILLING ME!!!

    “Well I’m one.” Is that it?…Huh Dude UhhhDude.

  42. Psyko says:

    Who here is from Tennessee? Because you are messed up my friends. “Well I swan” is not normal English. Dang-it, that makes it fit right in there then doesn’t it? Oh bugger, you win.

  43. Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five says:

    I gotta tell you a story from way back

    Truck on down and dig me Jack

    There’s Big Moe (foodee adda dadda),

    Little Moe (foodee adda dadda),

    Four-Eyed Moe (foodee adda dadda),

    No Moe (foodee adda dadda),

    Look at brother, look at brother, look at brother Eat Moe

    Moe, Moe, Moe, Moe, Moe, Moe, Moe

    Who’s the greatest band around

    Makes the cats jump up and down

    Who’s the talk of Rhythm Town

    Five guys named Moe

  44. =j says:

    I really did not need to read about GLAARKU’s full colon.

  45. Streetrabbit says:

    Nope. Sorry still don’t get it.

    I’m trying my best southern accent but it’s just not happening. Could be my Scottishness.