14 Feb 05A Love Poem To The Mac.


As today is Valentine’s Day and we’re all going to be off spending it with that someone special…

Well, it’s not all the same special someone.

And this, of course, excludes those of us who are currently doing court-ordered community service.

Although, it includes those of us who were sentenced to community service and then found that special someone while picking up roadside litter or painting a rec center or pulling the switch down at the big house.

Anyway, we decided that instead of doing a story today that would only reveal some top secret product Apple is working on and further widen the divide between the company and this and other rumor sites, we’d save that for tomorrow and pen a love poem… to the Mac.

So, here it, the Crazy Apple Rumors Site staff’s collaborative love poem to their favorite computing platform.

Oh, Mac Mac Macky Mac Mac
You are so whack whack wacky whack whack.
Photoshop sends your dual G5s a-blazin’
The heat waves rise and cause some hazin’.

I treat you good, you treat me fine.
I’m happy that I can call you mine.
Your sense of style is beyond the norm,
Please don’t tell anyone about all the Internet porn.

This Valentine poem I write for you,
Expresses my love for what you do.
You’re never angry, bitter or even rude,
You let me use you in the nude.

You know me better than friend or foe,
Even better than that twenty-five dollar h-

Well, you get the idea. It… just goes downhill from there.

But there is a cool part toward the end where there’s a car chase and a laser battle with aliens.

That part’s boss.

26 Responses to “A Love Poem To The Mac.”

  1. Psyko says:

    Where is everybody?

  2. Psyko says:

    I want to hear the laser fight part.

  3. Streetrabbit says:

    We’re all over at wil wheaton dot net

  4. Spike says:

    Well, I’m in Idaho. Oh, wait, you meant… never mind.

    Third, anyway.

    Eleventh is a long way off at this rate.

  5. Streetrabbit says:

    Oh. CARS is done in the nude. That’s nice.

    Baaarrffff!!!!

  6. Huck says:

    That was a very special poem. I can really associate with the nude Mac using part. I rarely use my Mac while wearing any clothes. I wonder if it minds?

    Just a warning: if I get Frist Psot *and* Eleventh Psot, I will probably transform into a demon and smite you all.

  7. MacStansbury says:

    maybe if it wasn’t written in the late late night on the west coast…

    snooooooooooore……….

    then us folks on the Atlantic Coast could actually goasdjf;lkjvd kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

    through the storysdsssk;dgnsgv; avlskddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

    11vthspongsty

  8. Tristrami says:

    Tell me who to smite, and they shall be smoten

  9. Carl says:

    If 1st post is good, and 11th post is good, what happens at 11,111th post?

  10. Streetrabbit says:

    Heee Heee

    Ouch! My…erm..lap. Damn toasty powerbook!

  11. Psyko says:

    Hey Huck, check this link out.

    http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/cgi-bin/mt/first-post.cgi?entry_id=398

    I got 1st and 11th in it. I don’t think anything special happened to me.

  12. Brother Mugga says:

    Hey, where are all the poem responses? Ideally some of them ‘beat’ . . . ‘cos that’s *happenin’*, er, man.

    I would compose one, but I’m British, so it’d be all about tongue tied reticence, duty, and the joys of shooting tigers, elephants, and/or the Hun. Which might prove something of a downer. Especially if you happen to ‘love’ tigers and elephants. Or, indeed, the Hun.

    I’m not actually *pointing* at Moltz, am I. So it’s not like an accusation or anything.

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    There was a poem?

    All I saw were the words “porn” and “nude”.

    OK. Here’s a childish rebuttal from the PC world.

    love that knows no bound

    creative you give me sound

    microsoft you keep me secure

    in your quilt of patches

    stars on your screensaver glow

    i wonder what makes you go

    like a painted desert night

    you say it’s gates and latches

  14. Flik the Wonder Squirrel says:

    Keep your day job, guys.

  15. Out of work says:

    To Crazy Apple Rumors Site

    we gather nude most every night,

    To post ten times and then we might

    Post again to Huck’s delight.

    But early posters are the worst

    In seeking fame by fetching first.

    May their worthless lives be cursed.

    Oh CARS! Thy humor makes me burst.

  16. Robert Frost says:

    I took the path less travelled, and it has made all the difference…

    Steve Jobs never quoted me, and yet, right there, you see I wrote the very essence, the…the..very HEART of being a Mac user!

    I want that smoting deamon to smite Steve Jobs for his smitable offense of ignoring the singular passage in all of English letters that describes what thinking different is all about.

    Smite different, iSay. In the nude of course, but only if the evil boy’s choir isn’t present. Right now I’m wearing a speedo, cuz they’re here.

    SMITE! SMOTE! SMITTEN! SMITTED! SMOTILIICIOUS! SMELT! SMITTON! SMITE! SMOTE! SMITTEN! SMITTED! SMOTILIICIOUS! SMELT! SMITTON! SMITE! SMOTE! SMITTEN! SMITTED! SMOTILIICIOUS! SMELT! SMITTON! SMITE! SMOTE! SMITTEN! SMITTED! SMOTILIICIOUS! SMELT! SMITTON! SMITE! SMOTE! SMITTEN! SMITTED! SMOTILIICIOUS! SMELT! SMITTON! SMITE! SMOTE! SMITTEN! SMITTED! SMOTILIICIOUS! SMELT! SMITTON! SMITE! SMOTE! SMITTEN! SMITTED! SMOTILIICIOUS! SMELT! SMITTON! SMITE! SMOTE! SMITTEN! SMITTED! SMOTILIICIOUS! SMELT! SMITTON! SMITE! SMOTE! SMITTEN! SMITTED! SMOTILIICIOUS! SMELT! SMITTON!

  17. PixelGrid says:

    WHO INVITED BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN?!

  18. Psyko says:

    Who invited me?

  19. Huck says:

    Cripes! Psyko, you’re right. You nailed 1 and 11 in that thread. I guess we’ve all been burning in Hell and never knew it! Now that I think about it, there have been plenty of signs…

    Anyway, a poem!

    Oh Happy Mac, the shining light,

    (You gallant pixelatious knight!)

    Your absence, tearfully, was noted

    By those you never knew, devoted.

    Waiting through the startup process

    You remain where we can’t access.

    Are you rotting in a dungeon?

    Are you leaving countless bludgeoned?

    Nonetheless we aren’t too worried

    We’ve heard the crash of your mighty fury

    And with the dogcow as your guide

    You’ll defend our shiny countryside.

  20. Psyko says:

    My poem is simple.

    There sure is not much to it.

    I just love my Mac.

  21. Flik the Wonder Squirrel says:

    Tired of Haiku?

    I used to like it just fine,

    Lately, it bores me.

  22. Steve Ballmer says:

    Je Suis un Butt-Crack Formidable!

    Developeurs! Developeurs! Developeurs! Developeurs!

  23. GLAARKU says:

    God dammit, I’ll finsh it then… In my typical Lost Priest style!

    Oh, Mac Mac Macky Mac Mac continues…

    You know me better than friend or foe,

    Even better than that twenty-five dollar ho

    Who’s pimp was pissed and sought more payment

    And kicked my skinny ass to the pavement

    My ho drove up in her pimped out ride

    I grabbed my 12″ (Mac G4 PB 866Mhz) and hopped inside

    I slipped my PowerBook into its’ case

    Just in time for the big car chase!

    We made for Vegas and without fail!!

    Her pimp and four UFOs were on our tail!!!

    Our plasma weapons firing up into the skyway!!!!

    Tentacles and squid bits hittin’ the highway!!!!!

    A Tentaculous Space Crusier flys at us real fast!!!!!!

    But my ho hits the breaks and it flys right past!!!!!!!

    Right into the pimp’s ride and a big crash ensues!!!!!!!!

    A huge pile-up with Tentaculous and his dudes!!!!!!!!!

    Now Tenti was miffed, and rightly so!!!!!!!!!!

    Because his shiny Space Crusier was needing a tow!!!!!!!!!!!

    And as for the pimp, well he’s quite out of luck!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Tentaculous ate his innards ‘cus he don’t give a f**k!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The End.

    [Note, I used a lot of exclaimation points, ‘cus that sets a tone of urgency and excitement which is needed for a car chase scene.]