16 Feb 05Whither Schiller?


A bombshell ripped through the Macintosh community today, wreaking explosive damage of an incendiary nature as it was revealed that HP’s Allison Johnson will be coming to Apple as the company’s Vice President of Worldwide Marketing and Communications.

Left unstated in the scant statements that were stated today was what this means for Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing and fan favorite Phil Schiller.

Outside the Cupertino campus, distraught Mac user Evan Baynes cried “SCHILLER!!! SCHIL-LERRRRRRR!!!” while rending his garments.

Inside, at a hastily convened press conference, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said “Let me be as emphatic about this as I can: Allison is not replacing Phil.

“A team of highly trained marketing ninjas could not replace Phil. Robots powered by pulsating brains full of alien marketing knowledge could not replace Phil. No, the very gods themselves – the god of marketing that is – could not replace Phil!”

Jobs added that Schiller and Johnson are on good relations and even spent time together at the Haas School imparting some of their vast marketing knowledge to students.

“But, uh, it’s not like you think,” Jobs said hastily. “They’re just good friends.

“OK, they held hands that one time, but that was a team-building exercise so I don’t think it really counts.”

As Schiller and Johnson’s responsibilities clearly overlap and Johnson will report directly to Jobs, Jobs did admit that Schiller will be taking on an exciting new position in the company with added responsibility, but would not provide details.

“All I can say at this point,” Jobs said “is that it involves electric eels and two 500-gallon vats of pure grain alcohol.

“It’s a position Phil’s been lobbying for for quite some time.”

Jobs apologized for the confusion inherent in the announcement and explained that Schiller would have been at the press conference himself, but had a prior commitment related to his charity work with an organization known as Victims of Spoiled Milk.

Jobs did address the first question about Johnson that will be on Mac users’ minds everywhere: “Is she hot?”

“I can assure you,” Jobs said, “as far as female executives in the technology industry, Allison is as hot as they come.

“No, the only person who might be put out by this announcement is Nancy who now has to share the executive women’s restroom! Ha-ha!”

Seated nearby, Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen declined to laugh.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site will have more on this situation as it develops.

50 Responses to “Whither Schiller?”

  1. powerbruin g4 says:

    first?

  2. powerbruin g4 says:

    damn straight

  3. Thirdatron says:

    third!!!!

  4. MacStansbury says:

    rats.

    stupid slow sixth sense.

  5. Streetrabbit says:

    Super Sexy Five. (can’t wait for six anymore. got to go out)

  6. booya says:

    this is the lowest number i have ever gotten with out becomming a total loser

  7. Streetrabbit says:

    What a waste of an opportunity to say Sex or Sextus or Sexy..or something.

  8. Huh? says:

    Ahem…

    Moo.

    Thank you.

  9. Psyko says:

    Uhh, powerbruin g4, we have a strict rule you are in violation of. If you portray smartness you are out. I am sorry that your connection to UCLA is a big no no. I must ask you to leave now. Thank you.

  10. Psyko says:

    Wow, how did they do that? How did they know that we would all be wondering if she was hot? I know I was wondering. Well, I actually was thinking more along the lines of whether she was cute, not hot, or not. Creepy weird I tell you.

  11. Psyko says:

    Oh, wow, I can’t believe it is eleven time already.

  12. Psyko says:

    Wait a sec here. I was just looking at the last comment box comments and check out what I found:

    “>>Rob Mohns raises a natural question about Apple’s new marketing VP, Allison Johnson, joining from HP:

    “I wonder how this relates to Phil Schiller, Apple’s current “Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing”, whom I believe also reports directly to Jobs. Is he being replaced, will their positions be complementary, or will they be doing different things entirely now?”<<”

    Does that seem kinda familiar here? Moltz, are you losing your visionary status? Are you turning into a “poster copier?”

  13. Huck says:

    Wow, she does look pretty hot, but still the question left in my mind is “how big are her boobies?” What happened to investigative reporting? Sheesh…

  14. Psyko says:

    What happened to at least some respect for women?

  15. Carl says:

    My Schillermania is reaching a frenzied state! If Phil Schiller isn’t made co-CEO of Apple tomorrow, I’m buying a Dell.

    Don’t push me man, I’m suicidal like that!

  16. Tristrami says:

    Is Shiller his *real* name? Or just a nom de plume or “handle” related to what he does for Apple? “Shill”-er — get it? I wonder what other choices he considered before settling on that one? Mebbe M@cd00d1 or @pp1e10v3 or some such…

  17. Foginator says:

    *throws hat on floor*

    She ain’t no Danika!

  18. JYF says:

    SEGUNDO !

  19. SunSeeker says:

    “She ain’t no Danika!”

    But I heard she puts out though.

  20. Vince Stradaconiglio Ace Reporter says:

    While working on a serious blockage in the Cancun Cubicle of the HP executive washroom, a Palo Alto plumber was privy to the following secret conversation between HP executives Gilles Bouchard, John Flaxman and interim CEO Robert P. Wayman.

    Bouchard: Has she gone?

    Wayman: Yep. Showed her the door myself. She’s Jobs’ problem now.

    Flaxman: Hahaha haha hoo woo.

    Bouchard: She was brutal, but she wasn’t the worst. When are we getting rid of the Dunn chick?

    Wayman: Patience Gilles. Her time comes. The clock, as they say is ticking.

    Flaxman: Hahaha haha hoo woo.

    Bouchard: Get a grip Flaxman, you laugh like a little girlie and we don’t like girlies round here. How would YOU like it at the apple orchard? Not very nice I do not think.

    Wayman: Boys please. Let’s please please not squabble. We need to stick together if we’re going to pull this off.

    Bouchard: Never in histoire has there been so bold a thrust to rest back into the hands of man that which is his by right, and by golly.

    Wayman: Yes yes we know all that. What about Schiller, is he on schedule?

    Bouchard: Yes. He has the vats and the eels.

    Wayman: Excellent. The day draws near my friend. The day draws near.

    Flaxman: Hahaha haha hoo woo.

    Just what this means is anybody’s guess, but the implication that Phil Schiller is somehow implicated in an evil plot by HP that involves flooding Apple with it’s female executives is the only sane conclusion that can be drawn at this time.

    This is Vince Stradaconiglio for nobody’s news in particular, Palo Alto.

  21. Switcher says:

    First.

  22. Switcher says:

    And by the way, she’s DAMN hot… if the pic is real (not an early-80’s fake remade by a Paint Shop Pro genius… Ooops).

    Not that i know here person’ly, but, well…

  23. Garnack says:

    Yes she’s hot, but not as hot as Psyko’s sister. Ouch baby!!!!

    Thought we might have forgotten your sister by now Psyko? Not a chance!

    Jobs said Schiller couldn’t be replace by gods or ninja marketing robots or alien marketing robots with pulsating brains. He didn’t rule out replaceing him with Ninja Lesbian Sexbots with or without marketing knowledge. Watch out Phil, they’re gunning for you.

  24. Clarus The Dogcow says:

    Maybe they’ll bring me back next.

    Here’s hopin.

    Moof!

  25. fuddes says:

    Apple’s marketing is shit. I think they should fire Schiller. Nobody outside the tech community has even heard of the Mac Mini or iMac G5.

  26. Psyko says:

    Garnack, there isn’t a chance I could possibly think you would have forgotten about my sister yet. You people have a weird mind for that sort of thing.

    fuddes, you die now.

  27. Anonymous says:

    Does someone have pictures of Psyko’s sister? I haven’t seen them yet.

    Linky?

  28. androgen says:

    First!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yesssss!

  29. Bellidancer says:

    Apple does not sell steak, they sell the sizzle. When have you ever seen a commercial that explained or listed the features of an iPod? No, you see wildly gyrating young people. For all the info given your average senior could be convinced the iPod is some kind of drug delivery system that pumps adrenaline into the user’s brain directly through the ears.

    Looking at Schiller you’d think he was a steak guy. Jobs is the sizzle guy. That’s why I’ve alway thought Jobs was one who chose the ad campaigns. It fits with the RDF. The problem is the RDF only works in proximity to Jobs. The RDF is great for Apple at conferences or interviews or press conferences. However, think about who spents the most time with Jobs. The poor top level Apple Executives probably don’t have a thought of their own. Minds constantly awash in the compelling and intense flows of the Reality Distortion Field! Way…way… worse than drugs!

    Apple marketing is insane, but at least it isn’t responsible for the mid numbing and stomach retching Dell Dude Guy.

  30. Abe Linconlogski says:

    What’s all this talk about, hot babes, and who puts out. This is suppose to be a rumor site about new technology. What has happen to this site? Has it been taken over by a bunch of hormone charged 13 year old boys? I don’t what to hear about psyko’s sister, or how unbelievably hot Danika is, I don’t want to waste my time thinking about what Danika is wearing right now, although I bet it’s something black. I want to be hearing about new high tech developments at apple that have to do with their new sexbot products, when will we get the sexbots damm it!!!!!!

    PS Can someone send me the jpg of psyko’s sister.

  31. MacPower says:

    I agree!

    Let us not lose focus.

  32. Streetrabbit says:

    I’ve got this picture in my head of Psyko being beat over the head by his sister.

    But Bellidancer’s right about the steak and the sizzle. Except if you’re boiling the steak (popular in England) then there’d be steak and steam.

    And getting back to the last thread, which ended before I could clarify that I’m from the very very very north of England, so far north it’s not even England anymore. Kind of like the Canadian part of England.

  33. Bellidaner says:

    Oooops!

    Sorry about accusing you of being English, Streetrabbit! Your accent fooled me.

  34. Psyko's Sister's Stalker says:

    Psyko’s sister, for your view displeasure.

    http://homepage.mac.com/psykog5/PhotoAlbum4.html

    HAH! and it only took me 45 minutes of searching through the CARS Archives. Someday we’ll be together. She will see how much she loves me, someday. Who cares if she’s engaged?

  35. Jon says:

    Thirty-fifth!

  36. Tommy Trojan says:

    Psyko, don’t worry about powerbruin g4 being smart, you allayed your own fears by pointing out that he/she/it is from UCLA, not known as a bastion of 3 digit IQs.

    YOU’RE OUR BITCH UCLA!!!

    With love from USC

  37. Huck says:

    Wow, Psyko, your sister is hot like the eleventh post is hot. And she’s got a jeep! The eleventh post never had a jeep…

    Anyway, I have a policy of objectifying people (not just women) that I’ve never interacted with in some way. Is that bad?

  38. Steve said, “wreaking explosive damage of an incendiary nature…”

    But I want to assure you it was Steve who actually ate that bean burrito with habaneros sauce, not me!

  39. Tulse says:

    Allison and Danika mudwrestling.

    I’m just sayin’…

  40. Brother Mugga says:

    Hang on, when did we lose Canada?

    Goddamit.

    Next you’ll be telling us we’ve given Normandy back to the frogs…

  41. Anonymous says:

    I come to CARS expecting rumors so good that they had to be made up. But this entry actually involves some research — dare I say it, investigative journalism? CARS found a web page proving that Schiller and Johnson gave a presentation together. CARS found a web page with a picture and bio of Johnson. And CARS even found an AP article to link to.

    What’s next? Footnotes with links to academic journals? Before you know it CARS will look like the New York Times, AFTER they fired Jayson Blair!

    -Jeff

  42. Psyko says:

    You are all very messed up.

  43. Bellidancer says:

    Now Psyko, not only have I never mentioned your homepage or the contents there of, I warmed you once about the dangers of identifying yourself, particularly with this bunch of maniacs.

  44. Streetrabbit says:

    Bellidancer it only taks a seconfd to ran az spell chek. Or did you reall warm Psyko?

    Bellidancer are you a cannibal?

    Hang on. That wouldint be pucked up by a spel check. At lest not mine anyway.

  45. UhhhDude says:

    Wow, Streetrabbit, I think you broke the Spell Czech. He’s over here in the corner writhing in pain, holding his head and muttering “bugger, bugger” over and over….

    “YOU’RE OUR BITCH UCLA!!!

    “With love from USC

    “Posted by Tommy Trojan…”

    Pff. Trash talking from a guy whose mascot is a prophylactic. And what’s with those band outfits, anyway?

    Maybe they’re just ribbed for her pleasure, or something.

  46. Spell Czech says:

    (shudder)

    Bugger…Bugger…Bugger…

    (shudder)

  47. MacStansbury says:

    great. first, there was Valentine’s Day, next, I find out I’m just under 3,000,000 in web site rankings, and now I find out Psyko’s sister is engaged.

    this week can’t get any worse.

  48. Bellidancer says:

    MacStanbury, word just in…Psyko’s website is at 1,342,560.

    eye think wee should awl give the check the rest of the night off.

    And no, I have applied no heat to Psyko. I did mean warn.

    (I need a spelling intent checker.)

  49. Streetrabbit says:

    You’ve got to bring back the button MacStansbury.

  50. Psyko says:

    Oh well.