23 Mar 05Inside Apple


Sources within Apple iPod division bring us this revealing conversation between Senior Vice President of said division Jon Rubinstein and Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer. As Apple prepares to finish the second quarter of its fiscal year, the company’s finance department is reviewing expenditures… Inside Apple!

I’m not sure where else they’d do that.


OPPENHEIMER: Hey, Jon, thanks for stopping by!

RUBINSTEIN: Oh, sure. Sure. I’ve got nothing to hide.

OPPENHEIMER: Um… OK. I wouldn’t expect that you do. But, let’s go over these budget items for the year.

RUBINSTEIN: OK.

OPPENHEIMER: As you know, we’re just about half way through our fiscal year and we need to see where we are.

RUBINSTEIN: OK.

OPPENHEIMER: Of course, the iPod division has quickly turned into our star performer, and we want to make sure you’re getting the funding you need…

RUBINSTEIN: OK.

OPPENHEIMER: … but there are one or two… irregularities… shall we say, in your expenditures for the first two quarters and many of the line items you’ve requested for the second half of the year.

RUBINSTEIN: I… I’m sure we have a valid need for everything we asked for.

OPPENHEIMER: “Six mail-order Filipino brides.”

RUBINSTEIN: Six… what? [Rubinstein flips madly through several sheets of paper he brought with him.] No. No. That’s… that’s supposed to be seven. We need seven.

OPPENHEIMER: Jon…

RUBINSTEIN: They’re not for me.

OPPENHEIMER: I don’t care who they’re for. HR probably does, but I don’t. But I do have to cut this item.

RUBINSTEIN: Why?

OPPENHEIMER: Um, because it has nothing to do with making and selling iPods. Plus I think it might violate some laws. It’s certainly icky.

RUBINSTEIN: Ah. I see. OK. Was there something else?

OPPENHEIMER: Well, Jon, a number of the items you’ve budgeted for are… well, they’re not possible.

RUBINSTEIN: How do you mean?

OPPENHEIMER: I mean they don’t exist. “One graviton generator.” “22 super-intelligent chimps.” “12 virgin ASU sorority sophomores.” “One wheel of atomic cheese.” I don’t even know what that means.

RUBINSTEIN: We weren’t sure either, but somehow it came up at a staff meeting and we just wanted it, you know?

OPPENHEIMER: I’d think you were just padding your budget, but after talking with several members of your staff, I believe you really thought you could go get these things.

RUBINSTEIN: Well, [former Apple CFO] Fred [Anderson] was very adamant about the iPod getting all the resources it needs.

OPPENHEIMER: Be that as it may, I don’t think it’ll be any hardship on the iPod division if I cut line items that you can’t possibly acquire.

RUBINSTEIN: Hmm. OK.

OPPENHEIMER: Now, let’s look at your expenditures to date.

RUBINSTEIN: Oh. Do we have to?

OPPENHEIMER: Yes. “4,000 copies of Catwoman.”

RUBINSTEIN: That was a mistake. It was supposed to be 4,000 copies of Snoop Dog’s Girls Gone Wild 10. The distributor sent us the wrong thing.

OPPENHEIMER: That doesn’t really make it sound any better.

RUBINSTEIN: Oh. Well, Catwoman was really bad, though.

OPPENHEIMER: Here’s another one: “Evil-looking goat.”

RUBINSTEIN: I… um… that was sort of a practical joke.

OPPENHEIMER: OK. Well, look, Jon, we all know you do important work down there with your little music player or whatever, but let’s try to keep the expenses within the bounds of reason.

RUBINSTEIN: OK.

OPPENHEIMER: Thanks.

RUBINSTEIN: Does… that mean we have to return the 300 Janet Jackson nipple rings?

OPPENHEIMER: [Sigh] No. But please don’t ever mention that to me again. Ever.

RUBINSTEIN: They were… a promotional… item…

No Responses to “Inside Apple”

  1. K.S. 2.5 says:

    first!

  2. K.S. 2.5.1 says:

    Yeah, just wanted to get first post again, I noticed I hadn’t in a while, and what better time to announce that my build has reached 2.5, to be released to the public sometime early april…seriously…

  3. K.S. 2.5.2 says:

    another comment is, has anyone ever gotten a first post so quickly? yeah probably

  4. John Moltz says:

    Yes, but that’s pretty good, though. I don’t know if anyone has gotten a first post in the same minute that the story has been posted.

  5. K.S. 2.5.3 says:

    way cool

  6. 2000guitars says:

    lucky sevens

  7. Jon says:

    Eighth.

  8. wouldn't you like to know? says:

    naughty ninth!

  9. K.S. 2.5.4 says:

    I didn’t know the comments allowed that Streetrabbit, maybe they’ll make an exception because it’s so close to easter time

  10. Ozi says:

    whats this? an eleventh post? for me?

    *blushes*

    I shall cherish it.

  11. greenacres says:

    So much for Huck’s favorite spot…

  12. Carl says:

    I think it’s time for me to UNLEASH THE POWER OF UNIX WITHIN OS X!! and build a script that checks CARS every 5 seconds for updates, so that I can get the first post.

    Unless someone else makes a script that checks every 1 second. Then I’m screwed.

    Oh hell, I’ll just settle for being out here in the bleachers anyway.

  13. JYF says:

    SEGUNDO !

  14. Small Paul says:

    Heh! Evil-looking goat! I *love* when things start referencing their own mythology!

  15. DeLeggaro says:

    Ah! DANG! Now i had that weird Amazon-ad from hell… just when it got to Janet Jackson’s nipple rings… Amazon! Resizing the window helps, though. However, what really pisses me off is the fact, that you can get *neither* mail-order Filipino brides *nor* Janet Jackson nipple rings via Amazon… that’s like… like fraud! I feel so used!

  16. Garnack says:

    Well I got my promotional Janet Jacksom nipple ring about a month ago. It looks cool, but I think there was a little piece of Janet still attached. Ick!!!!!

  17. Garnack says:

    Not ‘Janet Jacksom’ but ‘Janet Jackson’. You all knew what I meant so stop the bitching.

  18. Spell Czech says:

    You won’t hear anything from me. I lost my focus right after I read the words “nipple ring.”

    Heh. Would have loved to have seen photos of THAT on the Apple website under Promotional Items.

  19. guh! says:

    20th!!!

  20. guh! says:

    21st!!! and i even read the article this time

    ….can you make goat cheese from it?

  21. Psyko says:

    Every one second wouldn’t do a whole lot of good for you. Once you find out it has been posted you won’t be able to get down to the comments link before it refreshes.

    (Actually you can, but I don’t want him to do it because I think I need to.)

    Really, I have to say that I am out of the running for first post now, except maybe fridays. I have a job.

    I got a first real quick one time, but no more. Remember that Moltz? I mean, you must, it scared the crap out of you and scarred you for life. See, there’s the scar, right there.

    MARK

  22. Firsty the Clown says:

    When Firsty the Clown was concerned with such things as getting first post, Firsty once got first comment in the same minute as the post.

  23. Ace Deuce says:

    Umpteenth!

    Sorry, the article has way too much comment fodder. It’s overwhelming. Mr. Moltz might just as well have asked, “How about that twentieth century? What was that all about?”

    So,forgive me for not knowing where to start, and thus not starting.

  24. ___ says:

    ummmm…

    the article

    yeah

    it was very good

  25. Grunthos The Flatulent says:

    I dunno about you, but I’d much rather have the 12 Virgin ASU sorority sophomores than a box of Authorized Janet Jackson Souveir Replica Nipple Rings .. I can think of lots more to accomplish with the sophomores

  26. Psyko says:

    MARK

  27. Scooter says:

    Grunthos is money. Isn’t that mankind in a nutshell? Missing the obvious when reaching for the brass ring.

  28. Bellidancer says:

    Wonderful Story!! This is a classic that should be installed in the CARS Hall of Fame!

  29. Psyko says:

    MARK