Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

The Help Desk guy needed a little time off, so today’s installment will be answered by a freshman college poetry class.

Q: My everyday machine for the past four years has been a G4 Cube that I have all tricked out. But I’ve recently been smitten by the Mac mini and I’m wondering if I should finally upgrade to a more modern machine that has much of the style that caused me to fall in love with the Cube in the first place. Freshman poetry class, what should I do?
A: In spring you swelled my heart
With sweet promises of eternal love.
But fall has turned your love bitter
Bitter as my tears.
Falling like leaves…
From the tree of my heart.
Q: Ahhh, I see. You think I should get the Mac mini! Because the Mac mini is the promise of new love and… um… the Cube is… the bitter tears of… OK, no, I don’t get it. Ah, screw it. I’m gonna go get the Mac mini anyway. I just feel like buying something.

Q: I recently installed OS X Security Update 2005-003. Previously I was using a Firewall with ports 548 and 427 open for Personal File Sharing. The ports still show as open, but I can no longer access public folders on the network. Help, freshman poetry class!
A: Alone in myself
I dream I am a bird.
I try to soar high to the sun
But these are feathers of clay.
Cast me down!
Cast me down!
I am worthless before…
Q: Um… wow. You know, that’s really weird, but that worked – I can see the folders now. Thanks. Uh, you should probably talk to someone about that “Daddy” thing, though. That’s not healthy.
A: Daddy.
Oh, Daddy.
Q: Oookay.

Q: I recently purchased an Airport Express and successfully set it up to bridge my existing Airport network. However, the bridged area is plagued with dead zones. Strangely, this doesn’t seem to be an issue when I hook the Airport Express directly into my cable modem. How do I improve my Airport reception, freshman poetry class?
A: If you listen to the pine trees blowing in the wind
They will whisper their sweet secrets to you.
CAW! CAW! CAW! The crow speaks!
What is it he says?
Only the dew knows.
The fine dew of…
Q: I tried that, but the problem is I have one machine that’s 802.11b so I can’t run a straight 802.11g network.
A: My pain
Pearls before swine.
My heart
An open book
With blank pages.
Q: Um… what?
A: My pain
Pearls before swine.
My heart
[Heart, right?]
My heart
An open book
With blank pages.
Q: Nope. Still not getting it.
A: Channels! Switch channels, dammit! Jeez!
Q: Well, it’d be easier if you’d just say that instead of forcing us to interpret the “deeper meaning” of your crappy metaphors!
A: I’m a freshman college poetry class! What else do you expect me to do?!
Q: I don’t know. I’m just not real clear on this whole concept.
A: Oh, sheesh! What part of “I’m a freshman poetry class answering Mac help desk questions” don’t you understand?!