28 Mar 05Undead Focus Group Picks Names For Microsoft Technologies.


In a surprisingly unstartling revelation, sources at Microsoft confirmed today that the company uses zombies to help pick the names for its technologies.

Most recently used to pick the name “Windows XP Home Edition N” as part of a naming agreement with the European Commission, sources say zombies are excellent at picking dull and uninteresting names that are difficult to pin down.

“The zombies’ first suggestion – ‘Windows XP Reduced Media Edition’ – is precisely the kind of name we look for,” said focus group coordinator Erik Haubrich. “It’s long and uninteresting – practically sucking the life force right out of you. The zombies loved it – it’s a shame the European Commission is not as dull-minded as our zombies.

“Although, ‘Windows XP Home Edition N’ certainly sucks in its own right.”

While focus groups consisting entirely of zombies are cheap and only require a steady diet of human brains to keep going, they are not without their challenges, according to Haubrich.

“Some times they’ll just sit there for days on end, not doing anything,” Haubrich said. “And, yes, sometimes they’ll pick names that are too dull and confusing even for us. ‘Windows XP Prosumer Home Office Corporate Server Millenia Edition II – The SQL’ was a little much. Although we still may use that for some of our government contracts. You know… since we fed them all the brains and everything.”

Haubrich said that Microsoft used to use wild monkeys to pick the names of its products, but even wild monkeys would pick a succinct, memorable name by accident from time to time.

“We knew we had to change our focus group strategy when the monkeys suggested just calling it ‘Windows’ and having different boxes branded ‘Home’, ‘Pro’, ‘Server’, etc. What the hell is that? Stupid monkeys.

“We sold them all for experiments and got some zombies.”

Working with zombies has personally been very rewarding, Haubrich said.

“You have to stay on your toes. Because if they corner you, they’ll be munching on your brain in no time. And being around the undead just makes you feel better about yourself.

“No matter how bad things get… at least you’re not a zombie.”

No Responses to “Undead Focus Group Picks Names For Microsoft Technologies.”

  1. UhhhDude says:

    First!

  2. UhhhDude says:

    See what happens when you post a story before curfew?

  3. me says:

    yeah I like the promptness tonight. Your setting the bar too high I think.

  4. mektor says:

    haha….3rd

  5. mektor says:

    dah….ninja’d

  6. Carl says:

    I think Microsoft Office: Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains Edition is a good addition to the small/home office market.

  7. UhhhDude says:

    You know how it is. Moltz has that evening job at Quik-E-Mart. Slow night tonight, eh Moltz? Apu let you off early?

  8. UhhhDude says:

    What a sham. They didn’t sell the monkeys because of their naming habits. I firmly believe that that order came straight from Steve Ballmer, Alpha Male.

  9. Bellidancer says:

    Another great investigative story. No one, NO ONE else gets behind the scenes to uncover the hard hitting stories like CARS. Bravo!

  10. UhhhDude says:

    “Windows XP Home Edition N…”

    …because “Windows Spyware ‘n’ Virus Sieve” is too obvious.

  11. Bellidancer says:

    Darn it, UhhhDude, your comment only make sense if they only sold the male monkeys and kept the females for Ballmer. That is one image I don’t want in my head!

  12. Freshman Poetry Class says:

    Some zombies

    for monkeys

    poor monkeys

    whose Windows of opportunity

    was cut short

    Brain-eating zombies

    naming conventional, mind-numbing

    windows to your mind.

    A steady diet of brains

    A steady rash of viruses

    Oh the pain…the pain

    Banality, where is your mediocrity?

    Right here, in the shiny blue box.

    The one titled “Windows XP Prosumer Home Office Corporate Server Millenia Edition II–The SQL.”

    Feast, you zombies on my mind–

    I really wasn’t using it anyway.

  13. UhhhDude says:

    They probably only had male monkeys anyway. Cuz the female monkeys would have come up with some names like “Windows XP–Don’t Stay Up All Night Downloading Porn With This,” or Windows XP–Speaking of Which, When Are You Going to Clean Up This Mess Around Here?”

    Which is not meant to reflect on female humans or anything, just female monkeys. I’m just sayin’.

  14. Bellidancer says:

    Glad to see the Freshman Poetry Class in the comments section. By the way, I’d like to say Friday’s (Saturday’s and Sunday’s) comment section ended on an artistic high point (after an admittedly slow start.) The poetic talents of Streetrabbit (the Scottish Wit), and Ace Duece, (my condolences about your unfortunate workplace situation) really shined. Bravo!

  15. K.S. 2.6.5 says:

    wowwwwwwww…..a CARS posting at 8 at night. The third sign of the Cyber Apocalypse

  16. Arthur Zombie says:

    How’s the pay? Is there a union?

    And the brains, are they good quality brains like Raskin’s or are they all from MS retards?

  17. Annoying guy says:

    I personally have delivered a lot of the brains – you know, Microsoft pays me well.

    I do have a lot of dead bodies in my basement anyway.

  18. Huck says:

    I’m for Carl’s idea, I would love a brains edition OS. Mac OS X 10.5 Brains.

  19. Tristrami says:

    Microsoft give brains

    Zombie eat and think of names

    Mmmmmm Braaiiiiiiiiinzzzzzzz

    Just pre-empting Moltz on Friday’s help desk so it won’t get answered by a zombie frshman poetry class…or something similarly lame.

  20. leftshoe says:

    mmmmm…..brains….

    That reminds me, where did I put my axe?

  21. Streetrabbit says:

    “Stripped down version”

    I wonder does the “N” stand for Naked?

    Can’t be that, must be Nudie.

    …or Nightgown. Yes that’s it. The “N” stands for Nightgown. Or Neglige. Mmmm skimpy. Makes sense since it’s a skimpy version of Windows. Is it see through and lacey though?

    It’s quite difficult to say really, Home Edition N. Kinda like a stutter. Home Edition..n..n..n.

  22. Vegetarian Zombie says:

    Grrrraaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnnnsssssss!

  23. Del says:

    Wouldn’t zombies on M$ campus starve to death?

  24. Guh! AKA former zombie says:

    “You have to stay on your toes. Because if they corner you, they’ll be munching on your brain in no time. And being around the undead just makes your feel better about yourself.

    “No matter how bad things get… at least you’re not a zombie.”

    I resent those statements.

  25. Walking Contradiction says:

    Musta been the zombies that picked out the name “Longhorn”. Sounds about right … Mac names their OS’s after sleek predatory cats (Puma, Jaguar, Panther, Tiger …) and M$ names their OS’s after fat lumbering lazy cattle (Longhorn).

    Sounds just brain dead enough to come from a zombie, doesn’t it? Exciting as a dirt nap; thrilling like the inside of a pine box coffin.

    I wonder where they’re getting the brains to feed to the zombies, others have noted that if the zombies were forced to find them within M$ they would starve rather quickly and move on to grayer pastures.

  26. Psyko says:

    Longhorn is a stupid name. Who wants an operating system named after a big, dumb and dull animal? (Cats are smart and fascinating)

    MARK

  27. Del says:

    But cats are very very lazy.

  28. UhhhDude says:

    Perhaps “Longhorn” is there to make up for “Microsoft,” if you know what I mean.

    Not that Steve ever had to measure anything but the CPU performance on his Mac.

    (Boy, did THAT come out wrong.)

  29. Ace Deuce says:

    Is it politically correct to refer to those unfortunates as “zombies” or “the undead”?

    I thought the new terms were “life challenged” for the dead, and “death challenged” for the undead.

    And “name challenged” for Microsoft products.

  30. wouldn't you like to know says:

    Thirty is dirty.

  31. Psyko says:

    I think you are right Ace Deuce.

    MARK

  32. Psyko says:

    Click on my name for my sister’s pictures.

    MARK

  33. Streetrabbit says:

    Very trixy Psyko.

    Oh and you were right about Fedora very icky. I’m on Mandrake 10.1 now which is much schmeeker (I just made that word up – it can mean whatever you like)

    Don’t start about Gentoo or SUSE and compiling and all that stuff coz I’m not doing it OK! I want a nice Windows XP experience from my Linux.

  34. Psyko says:

    Yeah, I lied about the pictures. Oh well.

    I know I was right about Fedora, that is the beauty of it all. 😉

    MARK

  35. Brains It’s What’s For Dinner / Brains It’s What’s For Dinner / Brains It’s What’s For Dinner

    Brains It’s What’s For Dinner / Brains It’s What’s For Dinner / Brains It’s What’s For Dinner

    Brains It’s What’s For Dinner / Brains It’s What’s For Dinner / Brains It’s What’s For Dinner

    Brains It’s What’s For Dinner / Brains It’s What’s For Dinner / Brains It’s What’s For Dinner

    Brains It’s What’s For Dinner / Brains It’s What’s For Dinner / Brains It’s What’s For Dinner

    Yeeee Hawwwww

  36. Streetrabbit says:

    It’s been a zombie kind of week really, what with this and TPAs current revelation of zombie schoolkids.

    And last night I watched Shaun of The Dead. Very funny. One of my best lines was when the first zombie came into the house where Shaun and Ed lived and Ed says “Oh ees got an arm off”

    I don’t know why, just made me larf.

    …Oh and then there’s me posting on a two day dead post, sort of bringing it back to life zombie like.

  37. guh! says:

    turn that frown upside down….WITH BLOOD!