31 Mar 05Why Apple Rumors?

You know, I’m often approached by kids thinking of getting into the rumor business. It’s just one of the special moments you savor as a highly respected rumor site editor – a chance to connect with the kids.

“Mr. Moltz, they’ll say, “Weren’t you told not to hang out at our school yard anymore?”

Ha-ha-ha! Aren’t they precious?!

Well, Timmy, the local authorities prevented me that day from explaining at length how enterprising youngsters such as yourself can start your own Apple rumors site using seed capital provided by extra-dimensional aliens, so let me now.

First, you must have a passion for Apple products – a passion that drives you beyond all else, forcing you to eschew family, friends and work in an effort to provide some meaning to your bitter, empty life.

Any good blow to the head should give you this.

Second, you must know an extra-dimensional alien with seed capital. We met ours in a Waffle House. You might meet yours somewhere else. A laundromat, miniature golf place…

For some reason they seem to hang out at places that have retro kitsch appeal. We’re not really sure why.

Those two items out of the way, you’re ready to get into the Apple rumor business and reap its many benefits!

Reporting Apple rumors is really about the people. Mostly about being caught between the people who have violated their NDAs and the fine, fine people from Apple Legal (whom we love dearly, by the way – just wanted to add that).

Now, much has been said about the groupie sex. Giselle, Monique, Clarice and all the other lovely ladies we’ve met in our travels covering Apple certainly have made it all worthwhile. But it’s more than just hot, hot, consensual action involving multiple partners.

Although, not much more.

Still, the ample pension provided by Apple Rumors Site Workers Union Local 418 is one of the benefits many people don’t know about. Yes, occasionally we have to go out and rough up some scab rumor sites in order to stay in good standing, but that’s just part of the business. Nothing personal, you understand.

Finally, the opportunity to come into direct contact with Apple’s fine executive corps cannot be undervalued. Many is the afternoon we’ve whiled away sipping coffee with Phil Schiller in a local café or spent swishing down the slopes at Whistler with Stan Ng or sitting on the curb in front of the Big Value eating jo-jos slathered in cheese with Jon Rubinstein.

For these reasons and many more, we ask the musical question: consider Apple rumors, won’t you?

Thank you.

No Responses to “Why Apple Rumors?”

  1. Mac Whore says:

    1st pots!!! Wait a minute, pots???

  2. Spike says:



  3. Anonymous says:


  4. Del says:



  5. Insider says:

    There is no Big Value anywhere near here.

    I know, I take all the fun out of everything.

  6. Ace Deuce says:


    “blow to the head”?

    Not another drug reference! All the good words are being misappropriated as slang terms for drugs these days: crack, bang, sniff, s’mores, twang, sploit, snack… the underbelly of society is spoiling our patois.

  7. Bellidancer says:

    I can just see John and the CARS staff drive up to some elementary school and put on an assembly. The little kids would love Howard. The older boys would be fascinated with Masako and the older girls would follow Chet around, (fifth grade girls like shallow, poorly dressed, young men.) The principal could have a heart to heart talk with Ugluk. And the old maid school teachers would fall in love with John. The Entity would probably disappear with the janitors into the bowels of the school. (Many janitors are extraterrestrials and most janitor “closet” have a n-dimensional opening into hyperspace. or Mickey’s Bar down on Fifth St.)

  8. greenacres says:

    9th! and I got 11 from the next one!

  9. greenacres says:

    Dare I be greedy! Dare I?!

  10. greenacres says:

    I dare. 2, that’s 2 eleven’s in the same day! Yeah, baby!

  11. greenacres says:

    Ummm, what was that? READ the article? Stop…you are all too funny. As if…

    John, what are the union dues like and do they provide legal help when Apple comes knocking?

  12. Anonymous says:

    John, you really need to stop naming your chickens things like “Clarice” and “Giselle”.

  13. 2000guitars says:


    Why would there be chickens in a retirement home?

  14. UhhhDude says:

    Um, John? Gisele is “technically” a lady. Only “technically.” As in, “He dresses in women’s dresses.”

    Um, don’t ask me how I know. I just know, OK?

  15. David says:

    Shouldn’t this read, ‘Still, the ample *penetration* provided by Apple Rumors Site Workers…’?

  16. Aaron says:

    When the union’s inspiration through the workers’ blood shall run / There can be no power greater anywhere beneath the sun / Though no force on earth is weaker than the feeble strength of one / The union makes us strong!

  17. Admiral Kirk, trying to sound like Commander Kruge says:

    Moltz! Jol yi choo!

  18. rad says: