05 Apr 05Jack Campbell Issues New Fatwas.


After issuing an April 1 challenge to Symantec, the controversial Jack Campbell, CEO of DVForge, has issued several other statements in the intervening days, targeting a variety of sources. While most have not been published publicly, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has obtained the text of several of the missives.

Today, the CEO of DVForge, Inc. issues the following private challenge to the guy who cuts his hair.

“This challenge is to Renée at Top Cuts, based on his statements that I have a comb-over,” said Jack Campbell. “Your assertion is based solely on several years of cutting my hair and is a dangerous public statement. Since I have already made my next appointment I have no choice but to keep it (also, I’m thinking about a pony tail – just give it some thought), but if I could cancel it I would. But I can’t. Although I may call and see if I can switch my appointment to Marie. But that might be uncomfortable when I see you in the salon.

“I’m not sure what to do.”

Campbell continues, “My hair is silky and luxuriant and beyond reproach. Renée’s insistence on pushing his claim about my hair is irresponsible and hurts my feelings.”

“I am calling for Renée to put up or shut up. Prove to me that these so-called ‘comb-overs’ are even real.

“I’ll see you next Thursday.”

Campbell’s hair dresser has not been the only one to feel his wrath.

Today, the CEO of DVForge, Inc. issued the following private challenge to actor Brad Pitt.

“I can’t believe how hurtful you’ve been to poor Jennifer,” said Campbell. “You give all men a bad name with your… your… your… stupidness and… and…

“You’re just so stupid! You’re a big stupid head!”

Campbell paused to compose himself.

“I really thought those two kids were going to make it!” he blurted, breaking down and sobbing.

Campbell then issued a challenge to Pitt, demanding that he look inside himself for the love.

Campbell has also issued fatwas to Kate Winslet (demanding that she just pick a weight and stick with it), Russian President Vladimir Putin (demanding a variety of nesting dolls and lacquered boxes) and, perhaps most disturbingly, several fictional characters including 24‘s Jack Bauer (demanding he stop being so intense and smoldering).

No Responses to “Jack Campbell Issues New Fatwas.”

  1. Bellidancer says:

    Second?

  2. Bellidancer says:

    First?

  3. Bellidancer says:

    Hey! Time Warp!

  4. Jon says:

    Fourth!!!

  5. Bellidancer says:

    I am sorry, but this story isn’t remotely about Apple, is it?

  6. Psyko says:

    Psyko!

    MARK

  7. Jon says:

    Thanks a lot, Bellidancer. I could have had second if you’d just kept you mouth shut… stupid… multiple comments in sequence… like this one…

  8. Tristrami says:

    woohoo Eight!

  9. John Moltz says:

    I hereby revoke Bellidancer’s First Post as he was out of order (THIS WHOLE COURT’S OUT OF ORDER!!!) and grant it to Jon.

    Also, Bellidancer, it IS about Apple. It is ALWAYS about Apple.

    Except when it’s about lesbian robots.

    Which, admittedly, is a lot of the time.

  10. Tristrami says:

    Oh, and I can provide Mr. Campbell with all the matrioshki and lacquered boxes his heart desires — we’ve got tons of ’em here.

  11. Tristrami says:

    Whoa! Whoa! John, this is big news — So the sexbots are strictly, uh, “compatible” with just one…er…system? Beacuse I was thinking they’d be a bit more, you know…”user modifiable.” Why wasn’t THIS snippet the focus of the article?

  12. Tristrami says:

    Oh, and I claim the eleventh post, too. Fair and square.

  13. Huck says:

    The upcoming release of Tiger could come…

    Now! No…

    Hrm, it’ll have to be the on the 11th then.

  14. Streetrabbit says:

    Eleventy three.

    he SAID breaking down and sobbing.

    Sorry to be picky but if we’re not, then you’ll only have those nasty Apple people using it against you when Judgement Day comes.

  15. When I’m told I’m going to get 24 hour-a-day Tiger coverage that’s what I expect to get. Many people rely on The CARS Organization as their only source to all that’s going on in the World. Think of the little old ladies who never get out to the zoo far less see a tiger in the wild. These are the little people you need to consider.

    Tigers. OK?

  16. appletweak says:

    Ha Ha! You said ‘fatwas’. That was the funny bit wasn’t it? I often find myself laughing at the wrong thing and ‘fatwas’ is funny…isn’t it?

  17. leftshoe says:

    I’m just trying to imagine what sort of person would rely on CARS as the main source of infomation…….

    I bet they would be abit biased against microsoft? maybe?

    oh, and this is from a windows machine!!! Mahahahaha

    I should stop tormenting the CARS readers now ๐Ÿ™‚

  18. Switcher says:

    No, please don’t stop. Enjoy yourself and be my guest.

  19. leftshoe says:

    Its funny because CARS is not only funniest rumours site on the net but also least reliable and most biased.

    Its kind of like the sketchs at the start of a Tonight show where they state some news item then make up something funny about it. except cars barely has the news item at all.

    btw, I’m just a poor student how cant afford a mac and is also to addicted to computer games to change over. As soon as wine is shader 2.0 compatable I’m there.

  20. Last night I had a dream that I tried for first post, but I had recently purged my autofill info, and lost time to filling out a new long form, so I ended up being second. Now I finally woke up and I think I’m going to be #20.

  21. UhhhDude says:

    I was a stupid head once. But now I have a combover, and because of that, I strive to be more ironic.

    Nobody cares about MY relationship with Jennifer Anniston. Well, except for the judge who issued the restraining order.

  22. greenacres says:

    If ‘leftshoe’ is a college student, he certainly has some of the worst typing skills or he will probably flunk out due to his poor English….typical Windows user. Hmmm, he IS using a Windows machine. Perhaps whoever he bought it from cut costs by deleting certain letters off the keyboard. After all, if everyone is missing the keys, we will all understand eachother, right? Oh, to be a monopoly. Bet he owns a Dell….

  23. Bellidancer says:

    FIRST!!!!! Poster to have his First Post offically and formally revoked by John Moltz. *sob*

    And John’s right, it is always about Apple. If I can’t see it, it is my problem. This story is a koan, and the more obscure and paradoxical the connection to Apple the better. Oh great enlightened one, we are but poor disciples at your feet.

    leftshoe, we don’t mind your silly little posts. Doubting CARS’ jounalistic chops only shows how little you understand. We are armored in the knowledge we have the best machines, the best software, the best rumors, and most important, the best humor.

  24. Ace Deuce says:

    It’s also about the hair. Which will be the next craze? Pick one:

    Combover plus ponytail.

    Chromedome plus goatee.

    Mohawk plus soul patch.

    Pompadour plus handlebars.

  25. Hobbs says:

    Well put Bellidancer. We should, however, welcome PC users (“ahem” potential ‘switchers’) to this irreverent site.

    Continuing on the theme of ‘ Tiger any time Now!’

    Its 11:38 AM and no Tiger in sight!

    …….Last post!?

  26. Look… whoever you people are pretending to be me, and who are not me, and could never be me, and… er… oops, got confused. Well, anyway, stop it. I’m me, and you’re not, and could never be me, because me is, er… oops, got confused again. Anyway, just stop it! It isn’t funny. Or, well, maybe it is funny. But, that’s not the point… is it? Well, even if it is the point, and you’ve done a terrific job of spoofing me (that’s a word, right?), it isn’t funny enough to justify, well, to justify… damn, got confused again. Anyway, just stop it! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Signed, The Real Jack Campbell (really… I promise ๐Ÿ™‚

    Funny stuff, guys. Thanks a ton for the chuckle!

  27. The Shadow says:

    Just a little background on where this Jack Campbell story is coming from. The man has quite a history in the Mac community, and a rather sordid one at that. MacInTouch has an entire reader report section devoted to him, that can be at

    http://www.macintouch.com/mactable.html

    –The Shadows knows!–

  28. Del says:

    Sorry I just don’t see these as Jack Campbell letters. They are a little to coherent.

  29. Psyko says:

    Boot.

    MARK

  30. leftshoe says:

    If you think I am flunking english, you are over estimating the average intelligence of a college student.

  31. batrico says:

    Man, if only you folks could meet old JC in person to really, really get just how funny this article is. Moltz, I’ll be sending you the hospital bill; I ruptured something in my gut over this one. I have to say, this is the first time JC has been nearly directly responsible for something to smile about. What a maroon. Did anyone else notice his ‘today I’m astute and have a beard’ right next to his ‘today I’m fat and jolly and showing all my chins’ product pics for (ahem) ‘his’ GarageKey product line? Then he paid a hooker (or was it his wife?) $40 to take a picture with it, and now, thankfully, he just shows the product. He thinks he’s Willy Wonka, but he’s really just a poor man’s PT Barnum. Someday, he’ll be back in the Federal pen, and then who will we have to kick around? Huh? Who? You’ll all be sorry thenย…

  32. Anonymous says:

    Unfortunately, I just don’t have the level of grace that God has, so when I see you suckers thrown into the pit, I’m sure going to have a harder belly laugh than any of you did over this childish folly. I hope Jack’s a Christian so he can finally have the last laugh… Any of you that have been tearing into Jack all these years, and think yourself a Christian, ooh wow, are you in for a shock when the lights go out…

  33. Homer says:

    Jack Campbell brings this on himself. He’s a crook. If anything, he’ll be the one who has a lot to answer for in the afterlife.

    I mean, compare him to Hitler and he’s sure a nice guyย and all. But then you compare him to Ted Bundy and, uh, well he’s still not that bad.

    So, let’s see, compare him to Pol Pot and – well – no, he’s still not THAT bad. Darn…

    Chairman Mao? I don’t think so. He didn’t kill 200 mllion of his people (Jack) did he? No? Okay, he’s not that bad.

    Um…Stalin? No, he didn’t starve the Ukrain like Stalin.

    Mussolini? He doesn’t even has as stupid a name as Mussolini, so no.

    Edie Amin? Nah.

    Pappa Doc? Nope. Baby Doc? Hey, maybe…uh, no. Drat!

    I got it! Sadaam Hussein! Yeah…and, he, uh, shoot. No. Not quite.

    Ayatolla Khomenhi? No, his comb-over isn’t that evil.

    Uh, no. Darn. No weapons of mass destruction. Unless you count those bluetooth mice he sells.

    A scum-sucking parasite that gorws on the bottom of a rock in a pond full of nuclear waste. Yeah, that’s about right. Yeah, jack’s worse thn that!

    So people can say he’s bad and evil and worse than that, and thus worthy of our ridicule! Uh, yeah. But he’s not as bad as those other guys. Nope. So don’t go overboard folks!

    Yeah, that’s the ticket.

  34. Actually, guys, I much prefer the simple, “Spawn Of Satan,” please?

    And, gosh, some of you here may be assholes. But, at least you’re assholes with a sense of humor. All that dull, dry vilifying and character assiassination stuff on the other sites really gets old, after a while. It’s neat to finally be pummeled by some folks who at least know how to smile.

    Does this place have a forum? I think I just found my new hangout! ๐Ÿ™‚