09 May 05Stream of Consciousness Editorial.


Crazy Apple Rumors Site has some exciting new features it will be introducing over the coming months, including the hiring of a new staff member, provided he can complete the rigorous 8-mile obstacle course and survive the Test of the Five Scorpions which, not surprisingly, involves five scorpions. And they just happen to get dropped directly into the applicant’s pants.

Harsh? Perhaps. But this is how CARS is able to maintain its high standards.

Although, when the existing staff was hired, it was actually called the Test of the Five Cups of Cold Water. Less stingy and without the threat of a sudden painful death, but let me assure you it was quite bracing.

But that’s not what we’re here to talk about today. No, today CARS is introducing the Stream of Consciousness Editorial. In the fine editorial tradition that made such publications as the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal and Swank famous, CARS Editor-In-Chief John Moltz (that’s me) will opine from time to time on any and all Apple-related topics. Quite possibly in one editorial.

Let’s give it a try.


If Apple is to maintain its industry-leading position in desktop operating system ease of use, it is going to have to address a problem that is no where on display more than in the recently released Tiger update: the install process.

But more to the point, whither AppleWorks, the venerable package that made our Macs usable right out of the box for so many years? What ugly fate awaits yesterday’s productivity package, tossed aside like so much used chewing gum? Well, fret not for AppleWorks. When last we heard, it was set to retire to Fire Island with its long-time companion, Hall-of-Famer defensive lineman Merlin Olsen.

Which raises another issue: the evil troll-like creatures that inhabit the lower dungeons of One Infinite Loop. They say they have turned Gil Amelio into a hideous cyborg that they will one day loose upon an unsuspecting Macintosh community in a vain attempt to attract the attention of the lovely but unattainable Danika Cleary. Will nothing stop these insane beasts?

Certainly not the iBook Logic Board Repair Program. As a whole, it has indeed successfully repaired a number of iBook logic boards, but to what end? Sure, a lot of people’s machines now run again or no longer function under the cloud of inevitable system failure, but what have we learned from this experience? What is the moral to this story?

Never buy tainted meats from Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer. It’s an easy trap to fall into as Oppenheimer is quite the charmer, and Mac users in particular are likely to be star-struck by flashy Apple executives in their Apple logo-ed polo shirts and cotton Dockers. But at the end of a drunken night with Peter Oppenheimer, you’ll wake up with your head on the night-stand, a freezer full of tainted meats and a broken heart.

At the end of the day, the only one who can answer these questions is, not surprisingly, Paul Jones, front-man of sixties British quintet Manfred Mann’s Earth Band. Jones has frequently been seen in the company of Apple CEO Steve Jobs, but when confronted will scream as if in pain, curl up into the fetal position and claw at his face with a spork he got with a side of mashed potatoes at KFC.


See how that works? Look for more Stream of Consciousness Editorials in the Monday edition of this, your Crazy Apple Rumors Site!

No Responses to “Stream of Consciousness Editorial.”

  1. Nick Beadman says:

    1st Post ?

  2. Nick Beadman says:

    I did it ! Years of being late and I did it !

    I can’t believe it, I just can’t believe it. My life is complete and I can die happy.

  3. Nick Beadman says:

    MARK

  4. Nick Beadman says:

    Wow, I even read the article and I am still 1st through 4th. Must be because it is before 10pm

  5. Nick Beadman says:

    Yikes ! Am I missing something ? It is now over 10 minutes since the article went up and I am still the only commentor !

    5th

  6. Ace Deuce says:

    Sex.

  7. tom says:

    @nick: get a life

  8. Ace Deuce says:

    Don’t be shy, Nick —post a few more.

  9. Aimon says:

    Yeah Nick post some more and let us ridicule you a while longer!

    Oh and nineth!

  10. Streetrabbit says:

    Shit!

    I just googled for Swank.

    Note to self: hack into work tonight and destroy firewall logs.

  11. Bellidancer says:

    Interesting concept, but I have to take issue with the AppleWorks bit. No way is AppleWorks about to retire. AppleWork will keep on working till the last Mac dies. A dozen years from now there will still be iMac G3 chugging away in elementary schools around the world. And AppleWorks will be running on those computers.

    ELEVENTH!!!!

    I’ve gotten alot os Firsts. This is harder. And much more satisfying!!

  12. Huh? says:

    elebenth

    moo.

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    Equal eleventh. Not bad for a reformed early post claimer.

  14. Huh? says:

    rats.

  15. Bellidancer says:

    Streetrabbit, just claim you were goggling wank and your finger slipt.

  16. Streetrabbit says:

    Good idea and much easier to explain.

  17. Bellidancer says:

    HAH!! All you 11th posers. I claimed the real, true eleventh!

  18. Bellidancer says:

    Streetrabbit, you must work someplace interesting if goggling wank is acceptable and Swank isn’t!

  19. Streetrabbit says:

    Yes I work for a liberal American company, Cheese Souffle Consortium. It could be worse, I’ve got friends who work for the rival Egg Danish Souffle and they can’t even go for a beer at lunchtime.

  20. NINJAS says:

    IN MY SKIN

  21. Ralphie says:

    I’m going to ignore the previous posts and claim FIRST!

    …because I can.

  22. Ozi says:

    this article was Quite Silly™, but endearingly so.

  23. Anonymous says:

    Hey!… I’m still stuck on “Tigery Goodness” and the missing post!

    You folks are sooooo damn fickle. Stick to you guns on the issues that truly matter!

    oops… gotta go… the new issue of Swank just arrived…..

  24. Hobbs says:

    “See how that works”

    ??!!!

    This one didn’t do it for me.

    How does one say ‘thumbs down’

  25. Crazy Apple English Teacher says:

    Moltzy, your stream of conciousness needs some work. Far too much punctuation and way too coherent. Changing topics every paragraph is really far too little. In fact, the paragraphs tend to keep things “organized,” which is kind of a no-no.

  26. greenacres says:

    OK, nobody said anything so I will. “no where” should be “nowhere” in the article. Very funny otherwise…very good visuals. I can literally ‘see’ the unattainable Danika….sigh….

  27. Del says:

    Greenacres, put down the binoculars. You know that violates your restraining order. Danika will not be pleased.

  28. Invisible Evil Stalker Boys Choir says:

    DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA! DANIKA!

  29. Quincy Market Meat Man says:

    Want any tainted meats?

  30. Homer Simpson says:

    Hmmmm tainted meat.

  31. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Doesn’t “Stream of Consciousness Editorial” requrie a “consciousness” to stream in the first place even if there isn’t any water in the stream of a lack of pebbles on the floor under the sun lamp that once sat in the other corner where Danika chatted what that happy clickey-clack of the keyboard that reminded me of the parakeet I used to hate but never killed no matter what my sister said?

  32. Anonymous says:

    Yes!

  33. Flattering attempt, stream of conciousness

  34. Staff Applicant says:

    AAAAAH!!! I’VE GOT LIVE SCORPIONS IN MY PANTS! GET ‘EM OFF! GET ‘EM OFF! I DON’T NEED THIS STINKIN’ JOB!