Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
You guessed it. Today’s Help Desk will handle questions about Apple’s switch to Intel.
Oh. You haven’t heard about it?
Q: AAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…
A: OK! OK! That’s enough! Calm down!
Q: Intel?! INTEL?! Game over, man! Game over!
A: Don’t be talking like that, Gordy. Don’t be talking like that.
Q: Aw, man, we’re doomed! Doomed!
A: Don’t say anything rash, now. Don’t say anything you might regret.
Q: I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I’ve been… I’ve been… thinking about… Linux…
A: You’re walking a mighty thin line here, Gordy.
Q: Well, what am I supposed to do?! It’s Intel, man! Intel! Why don’t I just… why don’t I just…
A: DON’T YOU SAY IT, GORDY!
Q: I GOTTA SAY IT!
A: DON’T YOU SAY IT!
Q: I’M GONNA SAY IT!
A: DON’T YOU SAY IT!
Q: Why don’t I just…
A: NO, GORDY, NO!
Q: … switch to Windows!
A: Ah. Ah-huh.
Q: Ah… uh, I’m just kidding. I’m just going to hold off on buying a PowerMac until the Intel ones come out.
A: I know. We talked about this yesterday.
Q: Oh, yeah.
Q: I heard about Apple’s impending switch to Intel processors and I’m absolutely furious. If they put that fricking sticker on my Mac I am absolutely going to freak! I am taking hostages and holing up in a warehouse on the outskirts of town while I lob Molotov cocktails at the FBI and feed off the meat I harvest from the limbs of my hostages. I’m serious.
A: Oh. Wow. You… don’t think that’s an overreaction?
Q: Um… no.
Q: Well… OK. I’ll… bake some muffins and take them with me instead.
Q: Well… what?
A: That’s your fallback plan? When cannibalism is too much you switch to muffins?
Q: I’m… I’m a picky eater.
Q: AAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAGH!!!
A: Oh, jeez. What?! What is it, Carl? What?
Q: Apple’s switching to Intel!
A: Carl, it’s Friday! That was announced on Monday!
Q: But I heard none of my application will run! I’ll have to buy all new apps! I can’t afford that! And… and I won’t be able to run Classic apps!
A: That’s true you won’t. Over a year from now!
Q: But I thought I’d have Classic forever! Like those sores that won’t go away!
A: Exactly what apps do you run in Classic?
Q: Apps? Classic? Pff. I don’t run any apps in Classic. That’s not the point! The point is they’re taking it away!
Q: And they’re going to probe me! Down there!
A: I’m pretty sure they’re not.
Q: You don’t know that!
A: Carl, I want you to listen closely to this sound. This is the sound of me hanging up on you. [click]
Q: … Hmm. It’s 10:15. I wonder were a guy can get probed at this hour?