Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

You guessed it. Today’s Help Desk will handle questions about Apple’s switch to Intel.

Oh. You haven’t heard about it?


Q: AAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…
A: OK! OK! That’s enough! Calm down!
Q: Intel?! INTEL?! Game over, man! Game over!
A: Don’t be talking like that, Gordy. Don’t be talking like that.
Q: Aw, man, we’re doomed! Doomed!
A: Don’t say anything rash, now. Don’t say anything you might regret.
Q: I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I’ve been… I’ve been… thinking about… Linux…
A: You’re walking a mighty thin line here, Gordy.
Q: Well, what am I supposed to do?! It’s Intel, man! Intel! Why don’t I just… why don’t I just…
A: DON’T YOU SAY IT, GORDY!
Q: I GOTTA SAY IT!
A: DON’T YOU SAY IT!
Q: I’M GONNA SAY IT!
A: DON’T YOU SAY IT!
Q: Why don’t I just…
A: NO, GORDY, NO!
Q: … switch to Windows!
A: AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!
Q: AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!
A: AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!
Q: Aaaaaaaaahhh!!!
A: Aaaaaah…
Q: Aaaaah…
A: Ah. Ah-huh.
Q: Ah… uh, I’m just kidding. I’m just going to hold off on buying a PowerMac until the Intel ones come out.
A: I know. We talked about this yesterday.
Q: Oh, yeah.


Q: I heard about Apple’s impending switch to Intel processors and I’m absolutely furious. If they put that fricking sticker on my Mac I am absolutely going to freak! I am taking hostages and holing up in a warehouse on the outskirts of town while I lob Molotov cocktails at the FBI and feed off the meat I harvest from the limbs of my hostages. I’m serious.
A: Oh. Wow. You… don’t think that’s an overreaction?
Q: Um… no.
A: Cannibalism?
Q: Well… OK. I’ll… bake some muffins and take them with me instead.
A: …
Q: Well… what?
A: That’s your fallback plan? When cannibalism is too much you switch to muffins?
Q: I’m… I’m a picky eater.


Q: AAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAGH!!!
A: Oh, jeez. What?! What is it, Carl? What?
Q: Apple’s switching to Intel!
A: Carl, it’s Friday! That was announced on Monday!
Q: But I heard none of my application will run! I’ll have to buy all new apps! I can’t afford that! And… and I won’t be able to run Classic apps!
A: That’s true you won’t. Over a year from now!
Q: But I thought I’d have Classic forever! Like those sores that won’t go away!
A: Exactly what apps do you run in Classic?
Q: Apps? Classic? Pff. I don’t run any apps in Classic. That’s not the point! The point is they’re taking it away!
A: Carl…
Q: And they’re going to probe me! Down there!
A: I’m pretty sure they’re not.
Q: You don’t know that!
A: Carl, I want you to listen closely to this sound. This is the sound of me hanging up on you. [click]
Q: … Hmm. It’s 10:15. I wonder were a guy can get probed at this hour?

45 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Wow, it’s as if all the other commenters have taken a vow of silence or something.

    Or had their hands chopped off by Apple’s lesbian ninj–

    GYAAHHHHHH MY HANDS

  2. Hey, I was at WWDC, and I’m probably breaking NDA to leak this earth-shattering information, but I just can’t keep it to myself any longer. What with the Intel-switch news and all, it’s just too much.

    The lunch they provided was really chintzy. I mean, salad, a tiny little calzone, and a cookie? What’s that about?

    I asked the guy handing out the calzones, hey Sparky, is this it? Is this all there is? All he would say was: “Only one per person, sir.”

    Sir? Sir? What’s this sir crap? Do I look like some escapee from Spamalot? “Sir” is what they call my dad, Sparky. Don’t you dare call me sir!

    Jeez, I gotta go chill. All this is really getting to me. They don’t pay me enough to take all this grief.

    Later!

  3. From: mega man is kool | Posted: 6/11/2005 01:21:56 AM | Message Detail

    “I wonder” is not a question, it’s a statment, and therfore equires no question mark.

    *waits for noobs to correct his spelling and the lack of 0s in the word n00b*

  4. FWIW, I just spent the week at WWDC, and I didn’t see anyone freak out over the Apple-Intel announcement. I freaked out myself, but that was just because I wanted a Coke, and all I could find was that “Sierra Mist” crap.

    -jcr

  5. FWIW, I just spent the week at WWDC, and I didn’t see anyone freak out over the Apple-Intel announcement. I freaked out myself, but that was just because I wanted a Coke, and all I could find was that “Sierra Mist” crap.

    -jcr

  6. Apple won’t put any “Intel Inside” stickers on future Powerbooks. I’ve decided that we’ll use all the leftover “Elect Kerry” stickers in my office instead.

    Love,

    Steve.

  7. Well, what I’d like to know is when Apple will deliver that Longhorn thing they buzz about since a year now.

    And a two-button mice and a blue neon inside the G5. Er…I meant Gx86. And some more ventilation. And nude ladies. Heaps of nude ladies. One on top of the other. Dead. Or hardly breathing. Maybe some little moaning would work, too. And pictures of dissection. Gosh. That’ll be a turn in Apple history.

  8. Sheeeeesh, man, you need to take a break.

    This switch sounds exciting (Apple ALWAYS needs these kind of pulse-pounding-Macverse-shattering action), but if they put this sticker – beeeh.

    Another twist in the Apple continuity.

    Stay tuned, folks.

    TO BE CONTINUED (i hope…)

  9. I heard a Crazy Rumour (that’s right there’s a U in Rumour) that, starting next week, once again in the Apple world there’ll be bluebirds and elves and merry little folk will dance around the maypole rejoicing in their Appleness and all the people will be happy and smiling the shiny smile and bits will move between registers and memory will be addressed and peeked and poked and we’ll remember. We’ll remember a time when our world wasn’t closeted in happiness. We’ll remember a grey, scratchy woolly blanket that covered us but gave no warmth and we’ll think how silly we were to worry that the blanket was evil, for a blanket is just that, a blanket, wool, thread, stitched with love and care and even the greyest, scratchiest blanket must have love.

    This whole thing is getting to me really badly. Is there somewhere I can lie down?

  10. AAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! Not Kerry stickers!!!!!! What about the other failed presidential candidate you have on the board?

  11. Twenty-firsties!

    Wooo hoooo almost made top 20….

    Speaking of crazy rumours …

    … I, um.. something about Intel in a Macintosh – but I don’t want to let the cat out of the bag yet.

  12. Damn straight, Streetrabbit! If we don’t draw a line at “U’s” in “Rumours” then whats next? For all I know the Americans will start miss pronouncing metals used to make Powerbooks, and substitute “z” for “s” anywhere they can!

    Also, you guys are having WAY too much fun with this announcement. 🙂 I bet Moltzy-boy’s cute little eyes bugged out with glee when S.J mentioned “transitions…”

  13. I thought again about the heaps of women. Well…maybe ‘they’ could add some dead animals, too? That wouldn’t cost so much…

    And I have this game I made on Classic, called ‘Pile Up Girls And Beasts’, why can’t Rosetta do something for it?

    My, Rosetta isn’t only the name of a stone. It’s the name of sausage, too. Kind of Salami. That could do it.

    Yes, Salami would rebuild my game, sure, so why can’t Rosetta?

  14. I wonder what Apple would do if IBM suddenly came out with a 4 Ghz PPC chip in the next 6 months or so.

  15. If IBM were to ship a 4Ghz PPC in the next six months, I expect that Apple would ask whether IBM could make more than one of them every six months. 😉

    The PPC is a very nice architecture for some things, but IBM has repeatedly dropped the ball w/r/t availability, and that supply limitation has cost Apple a hellacious amount of money.

    -jcr

  16. If IBM were to ship a 4Ghz PPC in the next six months, I expect that Apple would ask whether IBM could make more than one of them every six months. 😉

    The PPC is a very nice architecture for some things, but IBM has repeatedly dropped the ball w/r/t availability, and that supply limitation has cost Apple a hellacious amount of money.

    -jcr

  17. “I wonder what Apple would do if IBM suddenly came out with a 4 Ghz PPC chip in the next 6 months or so.”

    bake some powerbooks?

    hmm.. yummy.

  18. AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

    AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

    AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

    AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

    AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

  19. Ah democracy! Our other failed candidate won the debates and the popular vote but lost the chance to really botch things up as our elected leader has.

  20. Please, as if debates and popular votes had anything to do with US politics. Are those Intel bunnies still sold? I saw some a while back…

  21. The Sponge is now being ticketed for multiple spelling offenses (that’s “statement,” “therefore,” and “requires”). Please remit your fine, 3,000 Imperial Credits, to my office by the close of business next Friday.

    PS: And Michael Wyszomierski? Loved you in “Monsters, Inc.”

  22. This “Intel+Apple” thing doesn’t mean anything’s changed? right? I mean sure the may have Pentium M processors in the PowerBooks and an Itanium in the PowerMacs but, they’re still going to have the PowerPC Processors in their Macs right? I mean when they say

    “We’re switching to Intel” doesn’t that mean “We’re sticking with Big Blue.” and when I say “This “Intel+Apple” thing doesn’t mean anything’s changed? right? I mean sure the may have Pentium M processors in the PowerBooks and an Itanium in the PowerMacs but, they’re still going to have the PowerPC Processors in their Macs right? I mean when they say

    “We’re switching to Intel” doesn’t that mean “We’re sticking with Big Blue.” ” Nothing’s changed I’m still stupid

    right?

  23. Hi

    we have just read your comments and yes it is true our neighboring co-orparation is goin to become intel. Also you will have to upgrade all apps and u will not be able to use classic. So ARRGHHH is the right wayof goin about this problem. So if i was you i would swictch to windows and not be an apple self assessed moron!

    Feel free to reply to my e-mail, as i will like to understand your points of bias views.

    Yours Truely,

    Bill G.

  24. The sad thing is I actually have a bunny suit. The the big difference is that instead of it having shoulder patches that said Intel inside it said Evil Inside.

    I’ve been gone from the Everclear filled hot tub in the Mega-Post to long. Reality is starting to set it. Intel in Macs NOOOooooooo!

    *Runs back to Mega-Post to get roaring drunk*

  25. Correction on that appearantly I had some issues with MY powerbook and took it to get it repaired and they gave me a replacement for a couple days…..after this Intel Apple thing I have have been having trouble keeping up with reality but today the repair folks called and I remembered it wasn’t MY powerbook that smelt like sex! so I got my PowerBook and it still has that new Apple smell! w00t!

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