13 Jun 05Stream of Consciousness Editorial Looks at WWDC


OS X on Intel.

OS X on PowerPC.

OS X on rye.

Fried chicken with OS X on the side, slaw and a biscuit. $4.95.

These topics and many other were covered at last week’s Worldwide Developers Conference where Phil Schiller was heard to remark “Damn, these peaches are good!”

But that did little to mollify hordes of angry developers, let alone hordes of angry Huns. And that is just what you should do with a horde of angry Huns: leave them alone. Soon enough they’ll lose interest and go back to quietly making sausages in the Hungarian forests.

Unswayed, however, Apple issued a call later in the day to all straight developers who have ever been referred to by homosexual developers as “farm fresh.” The company may be planning a new series of Switcher ads targeted at homosexual Windows developers, looking to entice them into developing for the Mac with farm fresh forbidden fruit.

Say that ten times fast.

But let’s spend a few moments on a more serious topic. Do you ever feel sorry for the woman in the Vagisil ad who has to jog through the park while the words “Itching” and “Odor” float over her? I know I do.

Your average Hun doesn’t however.

Returning to Apple developers – who we last left in abject shock at the prospect of re-writing billions upon billions of lines of code in order to comply with Steve Jobs’ wishes that all Mac applications be re-written in Visual MacStandard Basic on a Performa 6400 – who’s to say when they showered last? I mean… look at them.

Talk about itching and odor.

Go ahead. Talk about them. I’ll wait a few minutes.

Done?

Oh.

Well… will you be done soon? I didn’t realize you’d have so much to say about itching and odor.

Who, by the way, are cops. Itching is the older, experienced cop who’s just two weeks away from retirement. Odor’s the young hothead who doesn’t follow the rules. Can they live in a small, unfurnished apartment together, just one flight up from a trio of bisexual stewardesses who’ve sworn a vow of celibacy in honor of Saint Trixy, Patron Saint of Small Packages of Pretzels?

Only time will tell. Time and producer Aaron Sorkin, who’s optioned the Itching and Odor story for a fall prime-time situ-drama-comedy.

The same Aaron Sorkin who will one day find the letter “edisnI letnI” (“Intel Inside” backward) burned onto his pasty white thigh after peeling his PowerBook off his leg.

The irony is bitter.

As is squeezing a lemon straight into your mouth.

No Responses to “Stream of Consciousness Editorial Looks at WWDC”

  1. weedle19 says:

    first

  2. Fate says:

    Second.

  3. Fate says:

    Also, I’d like some of that fried chicken, if you can get around to it.

  4. ScheisseGern says:

    Surely fourth.

  5. Elwood says:

    fitty

  6. macattacks10 says:

    9th

  7. PoisedNoise says:

    In what mathematically twisted universe is that 9th?

    7th.

  8. Streetrabbit says:

    Moltz uses DelSpeak.

  9. Whenever we want the crooks to talk, we always like to play a little game of good processor-bad processor. Puts the squeeeeze on ’em, know what I mean?

    Then they squeal like SUV drivers on fill-up day.

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    Teneleventh!

  11. Ace Deuce says:

    I believe Trixie is always spelled as I have in this sentence, not as pretzel-pushers might.

  12. Ace Deuce says:

    And irony is sour, unless you are chewing on the rind.

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    I’m thinking Harry Dean Stanton and Jaleel White as Itching and Odor.

  14. JYF says:

    ยก SEGUNDO !

  15. appletweak says:

    I fart in your general direction. No reason, really. Just kinda gassy today.

  16. the marketing manager says:

    Will Intel chips make my Mac smell different?

    I’m currently sitting at my desk receiving the fetid downdraft from an Airbus sized fan on the back of my co-workers nicotene yellow PC.

    Hmm – I’m thinking iPot-pourri

  17. greenacres says:

    WHAT!!?! I get up to handle a production problem and then think to myself, ‘Hey, maybe I can get a top 10 entry onto CARS!’. No joy. I must really be tired to think I could sneak in like this… Next time, dammit! Should I not mention the story now? Very funny Mr. Moltz! Or is it Thor who is posing as John? Split personalities are so hard to deal with…

  18. Ozi says:

    Pasty White Thigh! bwahahaha! ahhh awesome. Gotta love West Wing, BTW. Although, it was better when Aaron was still there. ๐Ÿ™

  19. Del says:

    Yay Moltz uses Del Speak!

    I was just going to post this user friendly comic about the Intel/Apple thing.

    http://www.userfriendly.org/

    But now I’m going to pull out my DelSpeak available at

    http://cranksandshanks.typepad.com/thepeeledapple/2005/04/delspeak_002.html

  20. Del says:

    !ti gnisu rof ztloM yaY .kaepSleD yaY

    .sesion kerT ratS ytfin ekam sredils eht dna elihw a rof em tcartsid lliw tahT .ynihs fo dnik si nottub gib eht hhhooooO

    .pu-laid no …daol ot tsoP-ageM eht rof gnitiaw elihw irafaS ni sbat eht ekil s’ti GRA .yzarc em sevird 2.0.0 ni leehw ynips eht esuaceb yltsom elihw a ni kaepSleD ni detsop t’nvah I

  21. Odor says:

    It’s so true, Moltz. You rock. Sniff.

  22. John Moltz says:

    Thanks for the loan, Del.

    Er…

    leD ,naol eht rof sknahT

  23. Del says:

    I’m an leD backwards. It’s nice being shiny and well liked by geeky males.

  24. Anonymous says:

    Lemon Juice is sour, not bitter.

  25. Del says:

    Good chocolate is bitter

  26. greenacres says:

    Dark chocolate is the best. Good for you,too. Well, 1.6 ounces a day good. Any more and…and…my heart…pain…THUD!

    (Falling head hits mouse button and posts this.)

    (yes, the mouse pointer was conveniently resting on the post button.)

  27. The Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES!

    PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES!

    PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES!

    PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES!

  28. Brother Mugga says:

    Being from Blighty, I have only just now heard of this poor *ahem*-isil woman.

    Whose plight has moved me to make cardboard ‘Itching’ and ‘Odour’ signs (the ‘u’ makes it more classy), to be placed high upon my shoulders whenever I venture out.

    What say you, bretheren? Will you join me in this display of skanky solidarity?

    Oh come on – I’ll make the signs and everything.

  29. When they outlaw PowerPC processors on the Mac, then only Mac-Outlaws will have PowerPC processors! On their Macs. Or rather; in them. You see, Bob, a computer sees your porn as a series of ones and zeros…

    How about DelSpeak in ROT13?

    !gv tavfh ebs mgybZ lnL .xnrcFyrQ lnL

    .frfvba xreG engF lgsva rxnz ferqvyf rug qan ryvuj n ebs rz gpnegfvq yyvj gnuG .

    lavuf sb qavx fv abggho tvo rug uuubbbbB

    .ch-ynvq ab …qnby bg gfbC-ntrZ rug ebs tavgvnj ryvuj vensnF av fong rug rxvy f

    ‘gv TEN .lmnep rz friveq 2.0.0 av yrruj lavcf rug rfhnpro lygfbz ryvuj n av xnrc

    FyrQ av qrgfbc g’ainu V

    How about no?!

  30. Anonymous says:

    !ythguaN …ztloM rM yb dnif ot tluciffid ti sekam hcihw rennam a ni pu deggir neeb sah ti kniht i …mmmh …gnidnif elbuort evah i hcihW D: !tsopAGEM suomaf eht nI .skniht em ,aps rehtona sdeen .eurt llLA .ynnuf sllems leD

    *toooooooohW tooooooooohW*

    !!!k**F gni***freht*M uoY ,ouY k**F

    !leD ,ppa siht evol dna ,hO

  31. Streetrabbit says:

    !tihS I’m sorry about all this reverse stuff.

    Del since you’re partly responsible I think you should hack CARS and put a DelSpeak button maybe just alongside “Forget Personal Information”

  32. Del says:

    LOL! It is all my fault.

    Hey I did this before there was an App to make it simple! And I do not smell funny!