14 Jun 05THIS IS THE END OF DAYS.


We regret to inform you that the Cyber-Apocalypse is on, bitches.

As you know, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has always been the go-to site for news about the Cyber-Apocalypse, detailed interviews with the major players in the Cyber-Apocalypse, their stats and scouting reports, as well as pictures of large-breasted women languidly eating Slim Jims.

So let’s take a look at where we stand on the ol’ Cyber-Apocalypse scorecard, shall we?

Well, first there was the first sign, back in October of 2002.

And then there was the second sign in June of 2003.

And since then, two years running now, we’ve been waiting for the third and last sign. Eee-yup. Just a-waitin’. Sittin’ around… on the porch…

Whittlin’.

And now we see that…

  • A firm is offering an Intel upgrade for the G4 Cube, so you can run Windows on your… on your Cube. That’s unnatural.
  • Pictures have been leaked of Mac OS X running on… [shudder]a Dell laptop
  • Steve Jobs has been possessed by angry poltergeists (no link available)

Frankly, we’re not even sure which of these is the actual third sign. But, crap, just look at them. One of them has to be it. I’m actually leaning toward the first one.

But, really, they’re all good. If by “good” you mean “evil.”

Now, just because the third sign has come, I don’t want to see you all go running out into the street and rending your garments and shaking your fists into a rain-filled sky while screaming “NOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Because that’s my job. I called it, like, three years ago. Get your own damn Cyber-Apocalypse job. I hear there are still plenty of openings in getting eviscerated.

Anyway, I talked with the Entity about this and he said that just because the third sign has come, doesn’t mean the actual Cyber-Apocalypse is coming tomorrow.

Partly because tomorrow there’s apparently a scheduling conflict.

But the third sign just means there aren’t going to be any more warning signs.

Um…

So…

Yay?

No Responses to “THIS IS THE END OF DAYS.”

  1. Bellidancer says:

    First

  2. Feiler says:

    Secondest

  3. Anonymous says:

    Tum…Tum…TUM… Third?

    The end is near.

  4. Bellidancer says:

    With that out of the way, I must say that the cyber-apocalypse is coming with a whimper, not a bang. Yes, Steve’s announcement of the switch to Intel generated a lot of noise, but as serious has been slow steady loss of technical savoy among ordinary computer users. Back in the day, the average user knew how to use a command line, the average user knew the command codes for telling a modem whether to listen for pulse or dialtone, the average user could program in BASIC if nothing else. Now days? HAH!

    Admittedly, back in those days there were less than a fifty thousand personal computer owners and to own a computer you had to be a flat out geek! But in those days computer owners knew how to keep their computers in their places! (again admittedly a place of honor, showered with respect and worship.)

  5. K.S. 3.0.9.6 says:

    five…

  6. CTHULHU says:

    EVIL! IT’S ALWAYS IN STYLE!! THAT AND UNSPEAKABLE HORROR!!!

    WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?????

  7. Carl says:

    If someone put if-statements into Automator, I would argue that it’s more powerful than BASIC. But yeah.

  8. Streetrabbit says:

    Thus do not have also still another contribution about “OS X never ever on field, forest and meadows hardware will run.”

    Data: Intel Pentium 4,2,4 GHz 768MB RAM, SIS 645DX chip set.

    Feautures:

    No sound

    no network

    no quartz acceleration

    no power management

    no Apple Feeling

    no Apps

    Mark look which comes in such a way, a few weeks ago was still the inconceivable.

    Fenster schließen

  9. PoisedNoise says:

    Anyone have a spare paper bag I can put over my head? They’ve gone out of style here in the UK and all we have now is plastic.

  10. PoisedNoise says:

    Ooh ooh and how’s this for another sign? According to macosXrumors Apple’s apparently filed for the trademark “MacIntel”. *Shudder*

  11. Anonymous says:

    could it be????

  12. Anonymous says:

    woohoo!

    11! FInally, my life is complete.

  13. PoisedNoise says:

    Yes. You got eleven. I just wasn’t cheap enough to stack my own way there….

    …maybe that would have been a sign too.

  14. 2000guitars says:

    I learned to program in BASIC in high school. That was a while ago.

  15. Anonymous says:

    I thought the only way to get 11 these days was to stack.

    Faith in humanity restored, just in time for the apocalypse

  16. Aimon says:

    Ummm dude, that Intel upgrade for cube owners is a joke.

    Go to the inquirer website, and follow the link to danaquarium.com and read the article.

    It was parody article by danamania from appletalk.com.au

    I think that the world is now officially stupid.

  17. Huck says:

    Having eleventh post withdrawal…

    However, I’m still pretty sure having Dell buyout Apple and give the money to the shareholders would be the third sign. Not that you shouldn’t be panicing… I’m just sayin’ is all.

    Where did all the excitement in our relationship go, Eleventh?

  18. UnluckyAndLinkless says:

    Noooooo the link to the photos doesn’t work anymore… and I can’t be bothered opening Babelfish to translate the german error msg. Oh well, I’m sure it was ugly anyway.

  19. Spire says:

    There is no clear indicator of where to place the ‘Intel inside’ sticker onto the cube so that should save us from that one.

    A Dell? nothing going to run long on a Dell is it? LOL so we should be safe there.

    SJ ‘possessed by angry poltergeists’, well that sounds about like what the PC media have been saying about him since he founded Apple lol

    (And I have heard that the Cyber-Apocalypse is being recompiled to run on Intel chips, so you have from at lest a few hours, to who the heck knows how long before it can be unleashed. [Pray for lots of Altvec code in there])

    ‘All is well with the world, do not panic!’… … *Blinks* … well alright, no, so feel free to panic if you like… they say screaming is good stress relief.

    –Spire

  20. one man and his mac says:

    i just noticed it’s started raining outside. well then, i’d better get going. it’s rending and yelling time. ooh yeh

  21. Streetrabbit says:

    That’s a translation in my 10:45PM post UnluckyandLinkLess.

    I like how Dell translates as “field, forest and meadows”

    The page also had a link to Mac on Mac which is a port of Mac on Linux. I wouldn’t be surprised if OS X is running inside that on Linux on the Dell.

  22. It’s “whittlin'”

  23. scared monster says:

    Mr Moltz, if ever, because it’s not so sure by now, the Third and Last sign of the Cyber-Apocalypse has arisen from The Doomed Dimension, announcing the Very End Of Whatever You Think Could Be Destroyed, doesn’t it mean the end of your job (Huhuhu! I said Job), as your were (are?) the Official Ending Announcer?

    Maybe it’s just the end of that…

    Not too reassuring.

    Ich auch, Fenster Schließen

  24. John Moltz says:

    OK, the first one was apparently a hoax and the second one may have disappeared, but you can’t argue with the fact that Steve Jobs has been possessed by angry poltergeists.

  25. Ace Deuce says:

    No, Mr. Moltz. I’m not buying it until we see Steve Jobs’ head do a 360 degree rotation during a keynote presentation.

    And it must be counter-clockwise.

  26. Del says:

    Just a continuation from the last thread.

    First off I do not smell funny! Mr. I don’t have a name on my post says I smell funny. I swear I cleaned the Mega-Post Cheez Whiz smell off of myself months ago. I can not at this time deny the post that said I look funny. I cannot help that I am an expert at making faces for my nephew.

    Second since the location of the Mega-Post was requested in the last thread I am posting it here:

    http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/cgi-bin/mt/first-post.cgi?entry_id=230

    Finally about the rumor that I’m buying Apple. That is 100% not true. My ninja kittens and Apple’s Lesbian Ninja’s are currently fighting to the death over who will own the company. Well actually it’s more of fighting till the tired. Now that I’m looking at the battle again it looks more like the kittens are sleeping in the sun and the lesbian ninja’s are petting them.

  27. 2000guitars says:

    YAY Mega-Post!

    **hugs it tightly, oblivious to the stares…**

  28. Streetrabbit says:

    Last weekend I took my children to a kiddie farm. There were four eight year olds riding Shetland ponies.

    Could that be the sign?

    Yes…it’s all starting to make sense now. You’ve got to whisk the eggs before you dip the bread in….oh…sorry…that was French toast.

  29. Hey, what a co-inky-dink! I happen to be one of the Four Horsemen of the Cyber-Apocalypse. Balmer is another. Can you guess the other two?

  30. Del says:

    Yay can I be a horsewoman of the apocalypse? I already have the horse.

  31. Ace Deuce says:

    Wait one minute!

    The Cyber-Apocalypse can’t be using horses, can it? Shouldn’t it be Roombas? Or Segways (on loan from Woz)?

  32. Sigmund Freud says:

    John,

    Relax. Do not go with the running in ze street yet. You say you have seen three signs of ze apocalypse? So vhat?! According to most Christian sects there should be SEVEN signs of the Apocalypse that will preceed Armageddon (the ultimate battle between Good and Evil).

    These often are believed to come from the Bible’s mention of the Seven Seals. The fourth seal is Plaugues and Pestilence (John saw a pale, sickly horse whose rider was Death and Hell).

    So take ze chill pill and look for four more signs before freeking out in ze street!

  33. EndSchedule says:

    The end days have been scheduled to occur over the next 2.5 years, with the last day occuring by the end of 2007. By next year’s WWDC, the initial end of days will debut– perhaps Thursday will be eliminated– with a gradual transition from then. Although Thursday may be eliminated in a year’s time, you can emulate current “Thursday” activities by going to sleep at 5pm on Wednesday, waking up at 10pm, staying awake until 5am on Friday, saying, “Boy, that was a hectic Thursday!”, then going to sleep until 10am on Friday. By the end of 2006, though, the ending of days will be in full swing, with 2007 eliminating the last of the days. After that, you must exist in the “Universal” plane of being.

  34. mack in says:

    Macintel? Let’s hope they’re just trademarking that so no-one else can use it… in vain. Just to bury it.

  35. SQ3 says:

    So …um… apparently the Cyber-Apocalypse is either a hoax or a joke. Does that mean we keep whittlin’ or just reschedule it?

  36. Streetrabbit says:

    A 360 degree head rotation would surely be a sign, but the poltergeist in Jobs would also show itself by moving things around, furniture, coffee cups that kind of thing.

    We should watch Jobs, see if he moves anything, then we’ll know.

  37. And if he pukes up some pea soup looking stuff too. That’d be a sign alright.

    Segways?! HA! Hey, that’s a good idea. I’m stealin’ it, no stealys-backs!!! (most of my negociations end up that way anyway)

    Okay, so far the Four Segway Riders of the Cyber-Apocalypse are:

    1. Me; Bill Gates III

    2. Steve “I also *smell* like a gorilla” Balmer

    3. Del, or is that really DelL?!?! Hmmm? (I think I’m onto something, and/or perhaps on something.)

    And,

    4. John Dvorak!

    Thanks, enjoy the articles! I’ll be here all week, please try the veal and tip the site owners graciously.

  38. John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith says:

    When in danger, when in doubt

    Run around and scream and shout.

  39. Rev says:

    C’mon…

    -Kein Sound

    -Kein Netzwerk

    -Keine Quarz Beschleunigung

    -Kein PowerManagement

    -Kein Apple Feeling

    -Keine Apps

    (where keine = “no” and if you don’t get the rest you are a total pussy.)

    Someone made PowerPoint slides out of the startup sequence and took pictures, that’s all. That’s one sign of the apolcalypse debunked.

    And as to the jelly donut, well, evidently no one but Moltz saw that. And what’s the average half life of an Entity-funded donut?