22 Jun 05Everyone Trying To Cover Up Fact That Rubinstein Is Really Drunk.

According to sources within the Apple inner circle, the senior executives are desperately trying to cover up the fact that Senior Vice President of the iPod Division Jonathan Rubinstein is really drunk.

Rubinstein reportedly went out for drinks shortly after work and returned to the Apple campus for the night “three sheets to the wind, according to Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller.

“It’s not that we’re afraid Steve would fire Jon, Schiller said. “Or ground him. He loves Jon. It’s just that to see him in this condition would kill Steve. Just kill him.”

Schiller added “I’m not really sure why as Jon’s a grown man and if he wants to get drunk he can get drunk, but I just know it would kill him.”

The Apple executives have therefore executed a series of tricky maneuvers in order to keep Rubinstein out of Jobs’ sight.

Rubinstein did not help matters when he burst into a conference room Jobs and several of the executives were in, yelling loudly “I had sex with a nun!” and then demanding that General Counsel Nancy Heinen “check his moles” for him.

“Doesh that one look funny to you?! It looksh funny to me. Kind of like a bunny wabbit! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

Asked by Jobs what was wrong with Rubinstein, Schiller was forced to cover for him.

“Oh, he has a cold,” Schiller lied. “I think he may have taken some Sudafed.”

“Oh,” Jobs said. “I should go tell him that they make a non-drowsy version.”

“No!” Schiller and Chief Technologist Avie Tevanian shouted.

“If… if you disturb him now,” Tevanian said, “he’ll… he’ll get lockjaw.”

“Oh,” Jobs said. “I thought that was sleep walkers…”

The executives quickly shuffled Rubinstein out and proceeded to fill him with as much coffee as possible.

Despite their best efforts, however, Jobs is expected tomorrow to wryly note that he knew Rubinstein was drunk all along, eliciting a sheepish promise to never do it again.

No Responses to “Everyone Trying To Cover Up Fact That Rubinstein Is Really Drunk.”

  1. Red Lantern, no batteries says:


  2. The firstest!!! says:

    Ha, it feels gooood!

  3. The secondest says:

    Ouch!!! But i had to actually read it…

  4. John Moltz says:

    Wow! A photo finish!

  5. Red Lantern, no batteries says:


    (Mine is an evil laugh)

    They’re scallions, and everybody calls them green onions. Seriously, this doesn’t bug anyone else?

  6. Red Lantern, no batteries says:

    And I read the article, too! Nyah!

  7. K.S. says:

    lucky 7

  8. UhhhDude says:

    I’m too drunk to poast. Or post, either.

  9. Invisible Evil Boy's Choir says:






  10. Winer says:

    Drunk? Isn’t everyone?

  11. Huck says:

    I don’t feel as bad about missing the eleventh post, knowing that it was taken by a girl.


  12. Ace Deuce says:

    First we had Thor on the Floor, and now Rubenstein.

    Who’s next?

    (Bakers’ Dozenth!)

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    I knew that bastard was drunk! It’s clear now why we don’t have a 250GB iPod shuffle?

    Hang on…I’m drunk.

  14. PoisedNoise says:

    It’s 6.30 in the morning. I’m not drunk, just tired. 🙁

  15. Aimon says:

    Its 4:00 in the afternoon here, and I’m comtemplating getting drunk……. be a nice way to finish off a thursday!

  16. 2000guitars says:

    You’re not drunk as long as you can hold onto the floor…

  17. Del says:

    Geez that Rubinstein knows how to party! I don’t know how he is even ALIVE let alone how he made it into work again later that night.

    He showed up at the Mega-Post to personally deliver our cease and desist orders. (Why he did it personally is a long story involving previous messengers getting eating/burned/kittenfied/etc… something we just don’t have the heart to do to Rubinstein.)

    We opened the door to let him in and as he was passing over our summons he noticed the hot tub filled with Everclear and the scantily clad sexbots everywhere. BTW even though we do have a sexbot dressed as a nun (That is also a long story mostly having to so with the fact that Huck is a bit freaky 🙂 Rubinstein ended up sleeping with Cai’s pet penguin Squeekums. Oh Rubinstein, Squeekums says hi and she wants you to call her tonight.

    Jonathon managed to drink the ENTIRE hot tub full of Everclear. I mean this guy must have a liver of steel. We’ve got 18 hmPods on full volume trying to get the hot tub refilled since he said that he might stop back tonight. He also said he might bring his pony so I’ll be mixing up “roll in the hay” drinks all day since that in my experience is a pony’s drink of choice.

  18. 100% all-natural winky (except for the tusks) says:

    Technically, that was more of a “Mildly Amusing Apple Anecdote.”

    If you’re a stickler for such things.

    Or a stick in the mud.

    Or you have a lot of stick-to-it-iveness.

    OK I Stop now.

  19. jinzo012 says:

    What airline do you think Rubinstein would fly on?

  20. Ahnyer Keester says:

    A shapely number 20 for me. Look at those smooth curves. 2 0 Is that hot or what? 2 0 Or to get kind of kinky 0 2. Here’s some hot 2 on 2 action 22. Or for those real freaks out there 0 on 0! 00 Wow. Who knew being number 20 could be so hot!

  21. PoisedNoise says:

    Except, you moron, that you took so long over the post it ended up being 21. 🙂

  22. Red Lantern, Dead Battery says:

    Last post!

    And I MEAN IT!

    And it’s still bugging me about the scallions/green onions thing. Hmph.