According to sources within the Apple inner circle, the senior executives are desperately trying to cover up the fact that Senior Vice President of the iPod Division Jonathan Rubinstein is really drunk.
Rubinstein reportedly went out for drinks shortly after work and returned to the Apple campus for the night “three sheets to the wind,” according to Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller.
“It’s not that we’re afraid Steve would fire Jon,” Schiller said. “Or ground him. He loves Jon. It’s just that to see him in this condition would kill Steve. Just kill him.”
Schiller added “I’m not really sure why as Jon’s a grown man and if he wants to get drunk he can get drunk, but I just know it would kill him.”
The Apple executives have therefore executed a series of tricky maneuvers in order to keep Rubinstein out of Jobs’ sight.
Rubinstein did not help matters when he burst into a conference room Jobs and several of the executives were in, yelling loudly “I had sex with a nun!” and then demanding that General Counsel Nancy Heinen “check his moles” for him.
“Doesh that one look funny to you?! It looksh funny to me. Kind of like a bunny wabbit! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
Asked by Jobs what was wrong with Rubinstein, Schiller was forced to cover for him.
“Oh, he has a cold,” Schiller lied. “I think he may have taken some Sudafed.”
“Oh,” Jobs said. “I should go tell him that they make a non-drowsy version.”
“No!” Schiller and Chief Technologist Avie Tevanian shouted.
“If… if you disturb him now,” Tevanian said, “he’ll… he’ll get lockjaw.”
“Oh,” Jobs said. “I thought that was sleep walkers…”
The executives quickly shuffled Rubinstein out and proceeded to fill him with as much coffee as possible.
Despite their best efforts, however, Jobs is expected tomorrow to wryly note that he knew Rubinstein was drunk all along, eliciting a sheepish promise to never do it again.