Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today the Help Desk handles questions about products Apple doesn’t make!
Q: I have a question about Apple-brand longbows.
A: Oh, sure.
Q: I have a friend… well, he’s not really a friend. He’s more of an enemy. A blood mortal enemy. I loathe him. Anyway, he’s got a whole bunch of flunkies with crossbows. About 5,000 of them. And then a bunch of infantry and cavalry.
Q: But what I want to talk about is the crossbows. I’m on a budget, so I can’t afford 5,000 Apple-brand longbows, but I’ve heard the longbows have a longer range anyway. So my question is, can I get, say, 2,000 Apple-brand longbows and still be assured that I can decimate my enemy? Because I hate him. Oooh, how I hate him.
A: You’re absolutely correct. The Apple longbow not only sports a longer range than the crossbow, but your lackeys will be able to fire it much faster.
Q: Oh, great! Great! Ha-ha! Ahhh… because… you know… I hate this guy.
A: I get that. Just out of curiosity, what did he do to you?
Q: Actually, I’ve never met him. But I saw his picture and he has one of those thin little mustaches. I hate those. So I hate him. Very much.
A: I see.
Q: I have been back and forth with Apple technical support all day and I am just furious. I recently purchased an Apple mole and it immediately began to burrow in my lawn. My yard is an absolute mess. What can I do about this?
A: I’m not sure I understand your problem. You bought an earth-burrowing rodent and now you’re angry your earth has been burrowed?
Q: Ack… wha…? This is outrageous! Can’t you see how Apple has screwed me?! Just like they did when they wouldn’t release a version of OS X for my 604e machine!
A: Ah, I think I see the problem here. This isn’t about the Apple mole. This is about your unrealistic belief the company should support your outdated hardware in perpetuity.
Q: No! No! This isn’t about me! This is about Apple! Don’t you see?! It’s a pattern of abuse!
A: Mmm. So much denial. So sad.
Q: I have the entire lineup of Apple executive action figures – from original long-haired Steve Jobs to Allison Johnson, but I’m missing the Michael Spindler action figure. Do you know where I can get one?
A: Apple never made a Spindler action figure.
Q: Oh, really? Why?
A: Dude, they’re called “action” figures.
Q: Ah. Right.