22 Jul 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Let’s talk about browsers.

No. Let’s.

Q: I’m a regular Safari user, but lately I’ve noticed that Firefox seems sort of… attractive…
A: So you’ve been… checking it out?
Q: Yeah, I mean, maybe not…you know checking it out…more like…you know, furtive glances now and again… I mean… I try and keep myself from staring or anything… you know… because Safari is… well…
A: Familiar. Safe.
Q: I was going to say “my longtime companion” but that’ll work, too.
A: I see.
Q: I mean… our relationship got a little rocky there when it kept me from online banking and all… but I think things have gotten better… it’s just… I think it noticed me looking at Firefox and…
A: You think Safari might be jealous.
Q: What?! No! No. I mean… I get that it’s a web browser, I just was wondering…
A: Yeah. Say that again and let it sink in… a web browser. That’s all.
Q: Totally, man. Message received. Loud and clear.
A: OK. So what’s the question?
Q: I was just wondering if you think I have the stamina to do two browsers at the same time?
A: I’m hanging up now.
Q: Oh, you always do that.

Q: I’ve been trying to pick the perfect browser, but I really just can’t decide. I’ve tried Safari, Firefox and OmniWeb, but… I’m having trouble picking one.
A: Have you tried Mozilla?
Q: Yes. And Camino.
A: And… well… IE?
Q: Please.
A: Sorry. OK. What about Opera?
Q: Been there. Done that. And iCab.
A: Hmm. Well, what about BumperCar?
Q: That’s… that’s a browser for kids.
A: I know. Have you tried it?
Q: Well… yes. But just for the sake of completeness.
A: Kids Browser?
Q: Yes.
A: Shiira?
Q: Uh-huh.
A: Um… Browser… uh… A-Go-Go?
Q: OK, now you’re just making them up.
A: OK, well, fine, but you’re the one who’s too picky for like a zillion browsers.
Q: [sigh] I know. I do have an RSS reader picked out though.
A: Oh, really? Which one?
Q: Um… there’s… more than one?
A: Forget it.

Q: I’m a Safari user and I like it fine it’s just that…
A: There’s a overwhelming sense of indifference it exudes. Its sleek and cold exterior is a pervasive reminder of the inevitable isolation that pervades modern society. Constantly faced with your own solitude, your browsing experience is empty. Soulless. You long for connection but find none in the harsh mistress that is Safari.
Q: Um… I was just going to say I didn’t like the brushed metal interface.
A: That’s what I said.
Q: Yeah, but you said it all poncy.

33 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. 2000guitars says:

    Isn’t it nice, btw, to be first?


  2. 2000guitars says:

    Safari floats my boat, btw…

  3. Mittan says:

    That punched up nicely.

    And I truly have found Safari to be on the soulless side. Cold. Indifferent. But by the same token, non-judgemental.

  4. OverclockedLemon says:


  5. OverclockedLemon says:


  6. OverclockedLemon says:

    S E X!

  7. OverclockedLemon says:


  8. Jon says:

    Eighth or what?

  9. the man who can only count to ninety-seven. says:


  10. iMacAddict says:

    Safari RULZ……..theres other browsers?


  11. ha! says:

    this is eleven all right

  12. pron connnaisseur says:

    Try Safari Enhancer and change your Safari from brushed metal to unified titlebar aqua. Looks great.

  13. Camino says:

    Camino still rocks for me.


  14. Zeb says:

    Browsers? Hmph, I prefer grazers myself and damn proud of it. Ya just can’t beat four stomachs…to borrow here…moo.

    Oh, and uh, fourteenish.

  15. Mason L Kramer says:

    They need to come out with a Windows version of Safari.

  16. “It’s sleek and cold exterior…”

    That should be “Its.” Ziing!

  17. Ace Deuce says:

    I browse for eyebrows.

    Not the Frida Kahlo unibrow, more the Groucho.

    My eighth-grade General Business teacher had eyebrows that curved up like Satan’s horns. He wasn’t so evil–gave me a B.

    Ugluk=brows on steroids.

    In my endless browsing for brows, I use Safari, sometimes Firefox or Camino. At work I’m forced to use Explorer for some corporate browser-based applications, but mainly I use Firefox.

    I never use browser extensions. Why would I need to extend my browser?

  18. Psyko says:

    My 3400c is not booting!!!


  19. Mahalis says:

    Firefox is too damn slow.

    Cmd-T -> go away -> get a drink -> come back -> go away -> make dinner -> come back -> go away -> eat dinner -> come back -> hey, new tab! 😀

  20. Mozilla Firefox 1.0.6 would be my main browser except that I am hooked on Safari’s RSS capabilities. Opera 8 is good, but not as good as Safari IMO, but so much better than it was a year or two ago.

  21. Aaron says:

    You mean I don’t have to just use “telnet http://www.site.com 80″?

  22. blank says:


    (I tried to write it in katakana, the way it should be, but this form borked. I see the problem: “charset=iso-8859-1” Uh, unicode anyone?)

    Oh, and iCab, because hope springs eternal.

  23. Yeah, that's right. You. says:

    What a ponce.

  24. Yeah, that's right. You. says:

    What a ponce.

  25. Psyko says:

    It booted, I saved it.


  26. Jordan says:

    I smell lobster!

  27. Barf. says:

    Longhorn has officially been dubbed “Windows Vista”.

    Pardon me while I go vomit.

  28. Jon says:

    I just used three browsers at the same time.

    Firefox, to which I added Safari, followed by (here’s the sick part:) IE.

    I had a damned company-IT-priesthood-mandated-IE-only web form I had to fill out.

    The web page complained with Firefox, so I tried Safari (with Safari Enhancer set so it pretended to be IE 6.0 for W*nd*ws), but it froze, so I had to resort to IE 5.2.3. I got the form filled out, so at least I didn’t have to resort to launching VPC and the “real” IE 6.0.

    I feel so dirty now.

  29. a real man says:

    real men use lynx

  30. Psyko says:

    Jon, go now, and never return.


  31. Jon says:

    Psyko, that’s a little harsh.

    I didn’t say I enjoyed it.

  32. swg-credit says:

    I use XP now. I have a friend that love lynx very much. I ‘m not so satisfied with MS but I don’t know the advantage of Lynx. If I know it, maybe I will stand for it and use it.