01 Aug 05CARS Presents Its First Ever Contest: Pimp My Apple Executive!

Capitalizing on the “Pimp My…” trend sweeping the nation (which surely jumped the shark months ago if we’re doing it), Crazy Apple Rumors Site is proud to announce:

Pimp My Apple Executive!

Yes, it’s Pimp My Apple Executive!

Send us your digitally altered photo of your favorite – or least favorite, or one you don’t really have feelings about one way or the other – Apple executive for a chance to win medium-sized prizes!

Now, your Apple executive need not be depicted as a pimp, although pimp envisionings will certainly be accepted. But let’s think outside the box here.

What would Jon Rubinstein look like with gigantic metal arms that can crush tanks like soft pastries?

What would Phil Schiller look like with hockey sticks for feet and a battery of anti-aircraft laser turrets mounted on his shoulders?

What would Nancy Heinen look like as a vicious killer cyborg with, um, lasers and, um, metal arms… and razor blades that shoot out of her… uh… mouth… or something…

They… don’t all have to have a destructive element to them. I just think they’d be cooler if they did.

Prizes shall be awarded thusly:

First Prize: A free license to Mail Factory by BeLight Software (a $39.95 value that the September 2005 issue of Macworld magazine lists as one of its Mac Gems), a $10 (or cheapest local iTMS equivalent) gift certificate to the iTunes Music Store, a Crazy Apple Rumors Site bumper sticker and ten minutes of heavy petting with Apple maven Andy Ihnatko (ten minutes of heavy petting with Andy Ihnatko not included).

Second Prize: A $10 gift certificate to the iTunes Music Store, a Crazy Apple Rumors Site bumper sticker and five minutes of groping in the dark with former Apple CEO Gil Amelio (five minutes of groping in the dark with former Apple CEO Gil Amelio not included).

Third Prize (assuming we get more than two entries…): A Crazy Apple Rumors Site bumper sticker and three minutes of phone sex with former Apple executive Ellen Hancock (three minutes of phone sex with former Apple executive Ellen Hancock not included).

Entries will by judged by a panel including myself, at least one Apple employee… maybe… possibly some luminary of the Mac community… and, um, a dog. Maybe an energy being. Neanderthal. Joe Piscopo. Something like that.

Send your entries in JPG or PNG format via the “Email us” link on the upper right and…


What do you mean, “your or my upper right”?


Entries must be received by 12 midnight PST on Wednesday, August 10th. Winners will be announced Friday, August 12th. Friends and family of Crazy Apple Rumors Site are not eligible. Void where prohibited by law. Void where prohibited by local tribal custom.

Good luck!

No Responses to “CARS Presents Its First Ever Contest: Pimp My Apple Executive!”

  1. Huh? says:

    I don’t want to leave a comment.


  2. This could go two ways, and neither of them are happy:

    A. I am considered a friend of Crazy Apple Rumors Site, even though I don’t know John at all, and am therefore ineligible for the prizes.

    B. I am not considered a friend of Crazy Apple Rumors Site, thus lowering my social status even more, and I will never get around to entering the contest, so I am not a friend for nothing!

  3. Aimon says:

    dibs on third!!

  4. Appleswitch says:

    Third! Im gona make steve Jobs look like steve balmer!

  5. Huck says:

    Okay everyone, now’s your chance to trick Moltz into looking at goatse.

  6. 2000guitars says:

    Aw…. There’s no Ellen Handcock?


  7. cdn, eh? says:

    7! And i mean that sincerely…

  8. Carl says:

    OK, picture Phil Schiller.

    OK, now picture Phil SchillerÂ… WITH GOOGLY EYES!!!!!!!

    I think Schiller Mania Club just got turned up a notch.

  9. Streetrabbit says:

    Nancy’s head on Bo.

    Nancy’s head on Dolly.

    Nancy’s head on Pamela.

    Nancy’s head on Paris.

    ..need I continue.

    Soft porn jpegs on their way Captain!

  10. Humongous Hamster says:

    And I’ll set it up for…

  11. Bellidancer says:

    Great idea! But John, are you really ready to receive graphic images from the people who read your site? Maybe you should have Ugluk screen them to be sure they at least meet a caveman’s standards of decency and good taste.

  12. Ace Deuce says:


    (Entry not included)

  13. Ace Deuce says:

    Okay, then, thirteenth!

    (Entry not included)

  14. Mario 'Fingers' Morelli says:


    So you think you can buy me off with ten dollars of iTunes and a fumble. It’s simple, no money, no life.

    The contract goes to Phil ‘Scissorhands’ Schiller. He’s promised to make it slow and painful, making you typeset War and Peace in Quark on XP Pro running in a PC Emulator on a 4 meg 6800 CPU and make it work.(MP3 track of evil laugh. Not from iTunes.)

  15. Mario 'Fingers' Morelli says:

    Sorry, forgot.

    Hope you enjoyed your holiday.

  16. Small Paul says:

    Yo man, what’s with all this “pimp my” meaning “customise”? You Americans! Always butchering the English language.

    Why not an *actual* “Pimp My Apple Executive” contest? Where the challenge is to convince John Rubenstein to stand on a street corner at 2am, then negotiate a price for him, then kill a rival pimp trying to steal his million dollar ass.

  17. Aimon says:

    I’m thinking Avie’s head on Graham Alexander Bell’s body……. anyone with me here?

    Bell invented the phone and Avie I-should-really-get-a-shorter-surname started the ball rolling on OS X, both up there with the greatest innovations ever.

  18. Aaron says:

    Am I the only one who gets Phil Schiller confused with Paul Schaefer?

  19. Del says:

    Forget pimping your Apple Exec. It’s the end times, not only is Apple going to Intel but they are shipping a multi button mouse!!!!


  20. Max Estes says:

    It sucks you have to find your own pics of them on google, cause minipulating the ones they have on the PR site is illigal or somthing. lets just not tell apple.

  21. Anonymous says:

    It is not a multibutton mouse. It is a one button mouse. Once you trancend the need for extra buttonse, the other buttons become realized.

  22. jinzo012 says:



  23. jinzo012 says:

    I’m havin phone sex with Mr. Incredible’s wife


  24. Psyko says:

    Psyko likes the Mighty Mouse.


  25. Scottie says:

    Aye, this Mahtee Mouse has me ‘uh thinkin’ it does.

    Reminds me uv th’ tyme aye was in Canada.

    And while eye wuz therrr, I said t’ this laddie, “Ach, if that’s th’ size of yerrrr Moose, ah’d hate tuh see the size of yurrr cats!”

  26. Jon says:

    Usage Agreement:

    Subject to the terms of this Agreement, you may use the Image solely in whole for editorial use by press and/or industry analysts….

    You may not alter, or modify the Image, in whole or in part, for any reason.

  27. John Moltz says:

    Oh, come on! We do that all the time!

    Admittedly, we do get called by Apple Legal from time to time…

  28. jinzo012 says:

    CARS, did you put up the Google ads, so that you could fund the prizes? lol

  29. Psyko says:

    Ads by Google = LAME!


  30. John Moltz says:

    Yes, I’m sure we’d all like to live in a fantasy commune where everything is free and puppies and kittens never grow up to be dogs and cats that run out into the street AND GET RUN OVER BY F***ING GARBAGE TRUCKS!!!



    But we don’t.

    And the Entity’s gotta pay the bills. Don’t like it? Take your ass over to Low End Mac and read the Lite Side.

    You’ll be back. Ooooh, yes. You’ll be back.

  31. jinzo012 says:

    Oh I forgot to say


    okay that’s it


  32. jinzo012 says:

    I just placed an order on Apple.com for

    $1,094 I’m serious.


  33. jinzo012 says:

    I bought a 20″ Cinema Display, an ATI 9800 Mac Pro, Mighty Mouse, and wireless bluetooth keyboard.\


  34. John Moltz says:

    Um, I’m not sure, but I believe jinz012 would like a “bitch” to “eat it.”

    Is anyone else reading that into what he’s writing or is it just me?

    It’s be easy if he weren’t so obtuse about it.

  35. Psyko says:

    Oooh, no thanks, Moltz. I think I will just stay here and live with the ads.

    Oh, and I too am sort of getting the idea that jinz012 would like a “-beep” to “eat it.” I don’t know that he or she will have his or her way though. He or she has failed to specify what “it” is.


  36. I'm the fresh star says:

    It’s gotta be the dancing bear, it’s really got to be the dancing bear, oh my god, it’s the bear…