Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today the Help Desk answers your questions about the CARS rules for commenting.

And just where do you think you’re going, mister?

You sit right back down and read the rules or don’t even think about experimenting with the dark forces that bind reality together after dinner!

Q: How might I get banned from commenting or have a comment deleted? Because I’d really like to get me some of that action.
A: Commenters may be banned for any reason at any time. Or for no reason at any time. For example, there may come an instance where either deleting a comment or banning a commenter might just be funny. Maybe someone starts making too much sense or providing a lot of helpful information. Boom. You’re gone, Chester. I mean, what do we look like? Macintouch? Hell no. Frickin’ do-gooders.

Or it might be a senseless excuse to exercise our power. Or that and be funny and with cause. Ultimately, the editor reserves the right to do any of these at any time and do them in the nude while eating a melting Bomb Pop, shivering with delight as each frigid and sticky drop hits his hairy torso.


Q: Can I impersonate other posters?
A: Impersonating others has been a time-honored commenting practice on Crazy Apple Rumors Site since it was first founded by the Romans over 2,000 years ago. As long as the impersonation is not harmful, malicious or just stupid, knock yourself out. For example:

Dave: First post!
Bob: Bastard!
“Dave”: I renounce my first post and give it to Bob!
Bob: Yay, me!
Dave: Wha- Hey! I didn’t do that!

Dave: First post!
Bob: Bastard!
“Dave”: I like to [bleep] little [bleep]s with [bleep] [bleep] and then [bleep] their [bleeeeeeep].
Dave: Oh, my god, that’s disgusting! I didn’t write that!

Q: Say, would you like to play Texas Hold ‘Em?
A: Spam comments are banned, obviously. This may include hand-spamming as well as automated spamming. If you have a web site to promote, bully for you. But you may not devote an entire comment to promoting your site. Put it as your URL and it’ll appear as the link associated with your name. You may even put a modest tag line at the end of your comment that references your site somehow, although you may be just opening yourself up for ridicule.

Q: May I ridicule others?
A: Ridiculing others within reason is not only not banned, it’s encouraged. You may not realize this, but the entire CARS staff has evolved beyond the need for corporeal bodies and our immortal pulsating brains are held in a domed vat filled with cerebral fluid from which we wager quatloos on your comment battles.

John: I wager 100 quatloos on Bellidancer!
Chet: 200 quatloos on Psyko!
Ugluk: 5,000 quatloos on red!
John: Huh?
Chet: Um, I don’t think he knows what we’re doing.
Ugluk: 10,000 quatloos on blue!
Masako: This is the longest eternity ever. Can I get moved to a different vat?

Q: May I post offensive comments, like about your mother and how she [bleep] [bleep]s because she likes [bleep] [bleep]ing with her [bleep]?
A: Um…
Q: Oh, and [bleep] [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep]?
A: Nnno. If a comment is particularly offensive, it may be edited or deleted depending on the circumstances. If a comment is edited, the commenter will generally have the option of living with the edit or having the whole thing deleted or attending a three-week rehabilitation program put on by a several faith-based organizations.

Q: What about swearing?
A: Swearing is permitted as long as it passes the following test: if your mother heard you say it, would she chastise you and comfort herself by saying “Well, he certainly didn’t learn that at home!” Or would she emit an ear-piercing shriek as her eyes rolled back into her head and blood poured from her sockets as she reached for a screwdriver to stick in her ear in a vain attempt to remove the sound of the offending word? If it’s the former, it’s probably OK. If the latter, definitely not. Look, even though we’ve gone all uptown on you, we’ll never forget our roots as a collection of foul-mouthed degenerates looking to score a free Cinema Display. Which we haven’t yet, by the way. Someone lent us an older one once but that’s hardly the same thing, now, is it. Just in case anyone at Apple is reading this.

Q: OK, well, if you take exception to my comment about how I like to [bleep] with my [bleep] while I look at [bleep]s [bleep]ing, will you at least just email me in private about it?
A: Not necessarily. We reserve the right to take it up with you publicly. When you comment, you’re making a public statement, so you should be willing to stand by it, unless you didn’t realize all of its potential implications.

Like, let’s you didn’t know a certain thing about Steve Jobs’ history and then said something that was really stupid and offensive if you knew that thing about Jobs’ history. But you didn’t know. So, then, you shouldn’t have to defend that publicly because… you know… did not know that.

Not that that’s happened.

In the comments.

Q: What about the customs of commenting?
A: Customs are left up to the commenting community. Requirements that you explicitly state you’re claiming first post in order to be awarded first post, not mentioning the story until after a certain number of comments, etc. – these are all rules established by the community, not your Bomb Pop-soaked pulsating brain overlords.

See, that wasn’t so bad, now, was it?

Don’t you give me that look, mister…

95 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. You know what goes well with post 7? Post 11.

    Or a Slurpee.

    Hmm, you know what? Screw CARS comments, I’ma go get a slurpee. Mmmm.

  2. Hey, why did the comments stop? Was that an 18 1/2 minute gap? Are CARS censoring us right now? Just think of all those witty and erudite posts they’re keeping from us.

    Censorship SUCKS.

    [expletive deleted]

    And that stuff about brains in jars is just plain creepy. Me, I’m looking forward to welcoming our New Crustacean Overlords. Lobster forever.

  3. Hmmm. A Slurpee. Or how about some nice pie? mmmmmm. Pie. They would never censor that, would they?





  5. Why are the boys singing about quatloos? Did you forget to pay them again, Moltz?


  6. Mr. Moltz,


    European Respects to your Highness’s Rules and to your Super Intellect, and fine Hairy Body.

    (Whispers, “The things you have to do to get on CARS”)

    Bugger! After that long, egregious opening, I’ve forgotten what I was going to say……………………the sooner I get banned, the better.

  7. John,

    Don’t do that.

    I was busy reading the rules and I came to that thingy in blue. Not thinking it was a porn site, I clicked my Mighty Mouse and was transported to a delight of dirty words like Unix, 10.42, iChat and Mail, presumably for the gay readership. Three hours later, I’m back, exhausted.

    I promised the Judge I wouldn’t browse porn again, and now I’ve contravened my parole.

    Quid substato unamatis quobis.

  8. This post is completely non-relevant. How that is

    different from any other posts, I’m not sure…

    Many Bothans died… to bring us this information.


  9. Hang on… you’re hairy? An’ I have to, like, read this shit before I.. ? Man, I’m sooo outta here! Learn how to wax, dude!


    P.S.: Would you like me to bear your children? ‘Cause I’m, like, totally into that. Just wax, OK? Please?

  10. I give my first post to 2ubesock. ‘Cause I’m nice like that. Is this still legal? Do I have to make some comment about the story now that I’m down here? Or does this not count ’cause it is more like a rules clarification and not a story? Geez, for a rules clarification it sure is causing me a lot of confusion.

  11. Hey there! That wasn’t me! That b*****d 2ubesock is trying to steal my glory. I’m still firstest! And eleventhest! (Which I suppose is the point of all this… Hmmm, yes, now I see…)

  12. I’m so confuzzled. Is your torso still connected to your brain in the jar or is it now some free-form thing that is just there next to your mouth eating popsicles?

  13. holy sh*t! we are being censored! I had no idea. I have seen tons so silly nonsense go down in these comments .. and i must say If they are being censored then the censor mist be asleep at the wheel. because the the things I have seen! oh the horrible horrible things. Wait… that may not be this site I am thinking of. wait.. it may all just be a figment of my imagination. How can I tell the difference between memories of comments and real comments. well there is only one way to truely know how real your reality is… and that is an assault of obsenities.

    fükin G0d dåm shi† h0le dºuche båg fûk sâck meat curtain whøre licker!

    ok that feels good. I am alive again.

    the only thing I am sure about is that many may comment, but I will never be first… beause I am too busy being a lazy evil genius!

    as I sit here… naked and confused. with my hairy body covered in sticky goo which I can only hope is melted bomb pop. I find solice in the fact that there are other naked hair popsicle consours in the world other then me. I am surprised there is not a fetish site for naked hair men eating frozen delights. how come this hasn’t yet caugh on?

    as I ponder these things, I rembemer that I have no short term memory. or any long term memory for that matter. what was I saying?

    oh we are allowed to post a modest line about our websites to!!! I can deal with any appropriate mockery. umm .. life is an illuion, art is more real then reality, if your mind is blown, aLiquidReality will be your home!

  14. I rescind my rescindation and adopt 2ubesock’s name and bequeath all glory unto 2ubesock, may his towels be moistened forever!

  15. I rescind my rescindation and adopt 2ubesock’s name and bequeath all glory unto 2ubesock, may his towels be moistened forever!

  16. Psyko wins!!!

    Pay up, Chet needs his quatloons.

    (What did I have to do to win? I sure hope it wasn’t too embarrassing.)


    BTW, I am totally shocked that neither John nor Masako bet on me. After all I have done, you would think they would totally trust my skills by now.


  17. P.S. My name is NOT Mark. In fact, it would be more accurate to call me Zimbabwe than Mark. I think…maybe…uhh…no, Mark is closer.

    Heck, just call me Briggs. I like that one.


  18. You’re all so urbane and witty. I wish I could be like that. Sigh.

    I have elevated the notion of ‘loser’ to an artform. I just know that by posting, I am going to bring the whole tone of this place down, down, down. But I can’t help it. Will someone please help me to learn how to be urbane and witty. If I learn how to integrate “quatloons” into my posts (if I ever post again) will that be a step in the right direction. What are quatloons? There!

    Was that funny and sophisticated? Am I on the right track?

    I’m so confused. I soooo want to be part of something cutting edge and pushing the envelope that i would do anything. I’ll be someone’s slave. You can pay me in quatloons (I did it again!)

    I’m so excited that I will soon be quirky and popular like everyone else on this site!

    If only I weren’t so pathetic.

    If I post four times in a row, will that make me better than Psyko/Mark? Please guide me. Give me a quest! So I can prove I am good and true to the amusing and irreverant ethos of this site! But please don’t tell me to go bleeep myself, because then I just might and THEN how would you feel? Don’t answer that.

  19. Final rule: no long posts trying to prove how you are funnier than everyone else. *looks pointedly around comments section*.

    and ficko, my widget doesn’t translate latin. I feel so alone, and stupid to boot. 🙁

    Oh and my name IS “mark” so i think psycho is a little obsessed… hmmm…


  20. Sob! I knew you wouldn’t understand. How COULD you think that was a long post? But…you think I’ve been funnier than everyone else??!! Tell me what to do, Master, so I may please you!!

    So many rules. I love rules and regulations and commands from on high. They make me wet in places I’m usually dry. Just don’t tell me to {bleep!} myself. Please? Or jump in the briar patch…

    Did I mention my bipolar disorder? No? I really can be alot of fun on the upside. Let me in! Let me in! {banging head on glass ceiling} Don’t pity me, just let me hang around the edges of your cozy fraternity. My flatulence doesn’t smell, and I never lie.

  21. I don’t swear much and I’ve always found it peculiar why some words are considered offensive and others aren’t.

    Why are “freak” and “frak” OK but the other word isn’t? Why does it hurt some peoples ears to hear it?

    What’s really got me puzzled though is the newly implemented CARS rules specifically state that ridiculing fellow commenters is encouraged. Such a statement gives us a mandate to attack each other viciously yet this string of pathetic comments shows very little spewing bile and animosity. Does no-one have an axe to grind? Are we living in some kind of Shangri La Utopian paradise?

    Get off your flowing robes people and get nasty!


  22. This is about jinzo012, isn’t it?

    That “BEAT IT ITCH” guy/gal/other?

    ‘Cuz that’s what I thought.

  23. Mr. Moltz,

    It is good to see that you have finally realised that you need discipline to control the rabble on your web-site. The lower orders are not able to exert self-discipline, unlike their betters.

    I always found that if there was any attempt to push the boundaries of decency, shooting some of the attempters solved the problem and restored morale.

    Take my advice, young Mr. Moltz, as soon as they start to prove troublesome, shoot a few, they’ll soon get back into line. If you do not have your own weapon, members of some of your gun clubs may provide you with a ‘free of charge’ service.

  24. The Cars staff play with us like Zeus and his fellow inhabitants of Olympus.

    Asozasis, join the marines, volunteer for Iraq, and when you get there, tell everyone, including the Iraqis you’re gay. Your problems will be cured.

    Streetrabbit, you claimed to be from the Antipodes. Okay, you’re excused as it would be over optimistic to expect anything better.

    Ozi, get an education, although if the Oz bit is a clue, see above.

    John as I find criticising others extremely disturbing, may I now relapse into my aged hippy love everyone role?

  25. Dear Disgusted Col Retd,

    I owe you an apology. In another thread, I suggested that “Retd” may actually be a contraction for “Retarded”. I now understand that you are NOT! You grok rules and regulations and I want you to be my Master, and teach me how to be frivolous and funny and gay (in the traditional sense) so that the good folk here will accept me.

    Is your love of weaponry metaphorical? Would you like to stroke my metaphor?



  26. Hi 2 embarrassed.

    Look at my name. As Oz as is. You picka my Antipodean brethren and I bleepa youa bleepin’ bleep, mate. And, trust me, our Colonial heritage has made us mean motherbleepers when push comes to shove.

    But I DO like the assertive nature of your post. You are also clearly obsessed with gaiety (in the colloquial sense). You, too, will be my Co-Master and stroke my metaphor when Disgusted Col Retd (NOT retarded) says you can. And only then.

    Love and Kisses,


  27. One of the best CARs ever. Unfortunately and ironically the comments jump the shark. I renounce my first 44 posts.

  28. I just finished watching “Pirates Of Sillicon Valley”, and I have a question, so did Bill Gates work for Steve Jobs at one time? I mean it’s kind of ironic, but that is whst the movie says, right?

  29. UmÂ… no, ‘Bob’, it doesn’t work that way. You can only renounce your own posts, or rather, your own ‘percieved’ posts. See, I was pretending to be all those other posters.

Comments are closed.