Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today the Help Desk answers your questions about the CARS rules for commenting.

And just where do you think you’re going, mister?

You sit right back down and read the rules or don’t even think about experimenting with the dark forces that bind reality together after dinner!

Q: How might I get banned from commenting or have a comment deleted? Because I’d really like to get me some of that action.
A: Commenters may be banned for any reason at any time. Or for no reason at any time. For example, there may come an instance where either deleting a comment or banning a commenter might just be funny. Maybe someone starts making too much sense or providing a lot of helpful information. Boom. You’re gone, Chester. I mean, what do we look like? Macintouch? Hell no. Frickin’ do-gooders.

Or it might be a senseless excuse to exercise our power. Or that and be funny and with cause. Ultimately, the editor reserves the right to do any of these at any time and do them in the nude while eating a melting Bomb Pop, shivering with delight as each frigid and sticky drop hits his hairy torso.


Q: Can I impersonate other posters?
A: Impersonating others has been a time-honored commenting practice on Crazy Apple Rumors Site since it was first founded by the Romans over 2,000 years ago. As long as the impersonation is not harmful, malicious or just stupid, knock yourself out. For example:

Dave: First post!
Bob: Bastard!
“Dave”: I renounce my first post and give it to Bob!
Bob: Yay, me!
Dave: Wha- Hey! I didn’t do that!

Dave: First post!
Bob: Bastard!
“Dave”: I like to [bleep] little [bleep]s with [bleep] [bleep] and then [bleep] their [bleeeeeeep].
Dave: Oh, my god, that’s disgusting! I didn’t write that!

Q: Say, would you like to play Texas Hold ‘Em?
A: Spam comments are banned, obviously. This may include hand-spamming as well as automated spamming. If you have a web site to promote, bully for you. But you may not devote an entire comment to promoting your site. Put it as your URL and it’ll appear as the link associated with your name. You may even put a modest tag line at the end of your comment that references your site somehow, although you may be just opening yourself up for ridicule.

Q: May I ridicule others?
A: Ridiculing others within reason is not only not banned, it’s encouraged. You may not realize this, but the entire CARS staff has evolved beyond the need for corporeal bodies and our immortal pulsating brains are held in a domed vat filled with cerebral fluid from which we wager quatloos on your comment battles.

John: I wager 100 quatloos on Bellidancer!
Chet: 200 quatloos on Psyko!
Ugluk: 5,000 quatloos on red!
John: Huh?
Chet: Um, I don’t think he knows what we’re doing.
Ugluk: 10,000 quatloos on blue!
Masako: This is the longest eternity ever. Can I get moved to a different vat?

Q: May I post offensive comments, like about your mother and how she [bleep] [bleep]s because she likes [bleep] [bleep]ing with her [bleep]?
A: Um…
Q: Oh, and [bleep] [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep]?
A: Nnno. If a comment is particularly offensive, it may be edited or deleted depending on the circumstances. If a comment is edited, the commenter will generally have the option of living with the edit or having the whole thing deleted or attending a three-week rehabilitation program put on by a several faith-based organizations.

Q: What about swearing?
A: Swearing is permitted as long as it passes the following test: if your mother heard you say it, would she chastise you and comfort herself by saying “Well, he certainly didn’t learn that at home!” Or would she emit an ear-piercing shriek as her eyes rolled back into her head and blood poured from her sockets as she reached for a screwdriver to stick in her ear in a vain attempt to remove the sound of the offending word? If it’s the former, it’s probably OK. If the latter, definitely not. Look, even though we’ve gone all uptown on you, we’ll never forget our roots as a collection of foul-mouthed degenerates looking to score a free Cinema Display. Which we haven’t yet, by the way. Someone lent us an older one once but that’s hardly the same thing, now, is it. Just in case anyone at Apple is reading this.

Q: OK, well, if you take exception to my comment about how I like to [bleep] with my [bleep] while I look at [bleep]s [bleep]ing, will you at least just email me in private about it?
A: Not necessarily. We reserve the right to take it up with you publicly. When you comment, you’re making a public statement, so you should be willing to stand by it, unless you didn’t realize all of its potential implications.

Like, let’s you didn’t know a certain thing about Steve Jobs’ history and then said something that was really stupid and offensive if you knew that thing about Jobs’ history. But you didn’t know. So, then, you shouldn’t have to defend that publicly because… you know… did not know that.

Not that that’s happened.

In the comments.

Q: What about the customs of commenting?
A: Customs are left up to the commenting community. Requirements that you explicitly state you’re claiming first post in order to be awarded first post, not mentioning the story until after a certain number of comments, etc. – these are all rules established by the community, not your Bomb Pop-soaked pulsating brain overlords.

See, that wasn’t so bad, now, was it?

Don’t you give me that look, mister…

95 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. I renounce all my previous posts and give all my posts and everlasting glory to that lovely fellow YabbaDabbaDoo, who started this comments thread after all. I’m so embarrassed. If this is really me, that is. If it’s not me, then I don’t. Oh, [expletive deleted], don’t bother, then.

  2. OK, I admit it. All of these 52 comments were posted by me pretending to be other people. It’s dark here in the closet and I’ve been a bit lonely, so I made it all up. Everyone is me. Everyone. Don’t you see? There’s no-one else here. I’m scared. Something is making a funny smell in here and I miss my mommy.

  3. That’s not true because I know for a fact that THE POSTS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE CARS OFFICES! GET OUT! GET OUT!


    With the running and the screaming…


  4. Well, certainly Psyko learned what happens when he links to a url of pics of his sister…I’m sure he will never let that happen again…

    I thought about linking to my .Mac pictures of my family, but I really didn’t want to read obscene comments about my 4 year old daughter. You are all so, so, how to put it, deranged.

  5. Dammit Moltz! There you go piquing our curiosity about why the ayatollah story got pulled. And we had just now forgotten about it too. Now you better have answers for us, or else!

    Of course, no one else has commented on that section of the story, so maybe I’m the only one that remembers. Damn. I guess maybe you’re off the hook.

  6. Community rules my ass! Here’s the RULE, I GOT THE LAST FRIGGIN’ POST!


    Oh and here’s a link to pics of myyyyy bombpop, wink ->







  7. Greenacres,

    Just because I got expelled from the Hells Angels, there’s no need to call me deranged.

    (It’s hard typing with all this cotton wool in my mouth).

    How was I supposed to know that you’re supposed to bite the heads off the chickens and rape the virgins?

    So let’s get this straight Greenacres, you say one other thing against the honest, hard working, evangelistic and ethical posters to CARS, and they’ll need a vacuum cleaner to collect your parts.

    Have a nice day.

  8. I’m pretending to be John Moltz, so disregard the John Moltz with the blue bits and listen to me:

    Go to your local Walmart, help yourself to all the beer you can carry, and at the checkout say “John Moltz of CARS is paying.”

    Enjoy the weekend.

    John, now which posts are you rescinding?

  9. Umm, actually Curious George, Aimon had already referenced the ayatollah story on August 6, 2005 01:30 AM. And no, you can be sure that us regular visitors/victims of the site have not forgotten it. We’re just frantically Googling to find out more based on the info Moltz has finally provided (yes, okay, I speak only for my own obsessed self, not any of the other refined and distinguished visitors to this site who clearly have much better things to do with their time…).

    And Psyko and Asozasis, there is no such thing as “quatloons” – which is clearly a conflation of doubloons (a former Spanish gold coin) and quadroon (a term dating from days of colonial slavery referring to people with 1/4 “black” or African ancestry). The CARS staff are betting quatloos which everyone knows is a unit of psychoplasmic energy extracted by the inducement of erotic agony in sentient beings. Speaking of which, John, et. al. … I WANT MINE BACK! (sob, sob…or more extracted, I don’t know…I’m so confused!)

  10. Je me demande si un post dans une autre langue que celle du personnel de CARS sera effacé, ou édité. Mystère, mystère…

  11. I always thought it was “qwatlooms” and the minimum bet was 300, but I think you are right about the psychoplasmic energy.

  12. Let it be known that I tried NOT to use quatloons in my post. I really did, but I don’t know what the heck they are. I didn’t know whether to use “money” or “cars” or whatever instead. So I just went with what I could.

    Also, I DID NOT link to pictures of my sister. I put a site URL in the ”


    Oh, wait a sec. Is it right for you to have an obsession with my sister when you have a kid already?


  13. “Like, let’s you didn’t know a certain thing about Steve Jobs’ history and then said something that was really stupid and offensive if you knew that thing about Jobs’ history. But you didn’t know. So, then, you shouldn’t have to defend that publicly because… you know… did not know that.”

    Hmmm, so it was about Jobs’ history (hypothetically)?

    I am still waiting for a satisfactory explanation of that incident. My best guess is that it has something to do with Jobs’ half-Arab ancestry, but I am not quite sure how that made the article stupid and offensive.

  14. Gerboise,


    Spent most of my life playing music of various kinds and quality, but now got the Abbeyville Air Compressor bug.

    How much, in quatloos (stupid spell checker didn’t know quatloos), are your French lessons and can you teach me ‘Le port arriere’ in Cajun French.

    We also need a Cajun translation for ‘Valse John Moltz’, ‘Le CARS two step’, ‘Le Pomme one step’ et ‘Les Pommes Executive Polka’ as we’re playing at the ApplEX Ball.

    Merci beaucoup.

    Madame Guillotine, returnez si vous plait.

    Back to Frenglish, come on guys, get with it, let’s make it 100 comments for John.

  15. Han- Be a dear and pickup some milk on the way home…

    …and leave the Bothans alone.

  16. To the CARS staff, you said that if I talked:

    “…about your mother and how she [bleep] [bleep]s because she likes [bleep] [bleep]ing with her [bleep]?”

    You would punish making me:

    “…attend(ing) a three-week rehabilitation program put on by a several faith-based organizations.”

    Your mother has been very (very, VERY) nice to me and I WILL NOT badmouth such a fine, fine woman. My question is:

    Will you please punish me anyway?

    Please? I have been SOOOO bad!

    Oh, and is that several faith-based organizations simultaneously, or consecutively. Sorry to be pedantic, but this is important. My preference, of course is BOTH, ie several, severally at several times. I’m sure you know what I mean.

  17. You Ockers,

    Two runs! Yeah two runs! Whoop! Two runs!

    Sorry about the sledging but the stiff upper lip gave way. Please forgive the unseemly behaviour.

    It is all the responsibility of the Apple Macs we use at our cricket academy.

    Good luck in the next test.

  18. Hi Ecarg .G.W

    And this is the biggest winning margin since um…1611, methinks.

    Gloat away! Let your stiff upper lip flutter and tremble because (doom) there will be a next time…

    BTW: congrats, mate. Good game!

  19. Obsession? Obsession? No, I don’t think so…hey, when you get married and have children, don’t be surprised when you start looking at females other than your wife. The married guys I know, even the conservative ones, seem to have a wandering eye…I am fairly sure it is a habit we males all start with and never really give up. Gaaaaa, that was WAY too introspective and analytical for this web site. Never mind. It’s an obsession…

  20. Masako sighting! Whoa! Come stay over here in my eternity. Definitely a change of pace.

  21. “Apple 220 you are cleared to Cupertino airport as filed fly runway heading climb, and maintain Flight Level 360 Current Altimeter is 2992, expect runway 15L”

  22. 2000guitars and the Invisible Boys Evil Choir, featuring John Moltz, would be a great show. Can you cope with Aida? If so, please contact me, as my agent wants you at the Met and I want my cut of the fees.

    Note:- all sound and stage control by Apple Macs.

    p.s. John would be singing Aida and 2000 would be providing rock backing, bit like the Who really.

  23. john, if you have difficulty getting the high note, an operation is available.


    News has broken in UK that 1 million songs have been downloaded from iTunes in Japan in four (4) days.

    As this is the Help Desk, I came here but as usual, no one at home.

    Check your iTunes files immediately as they must be coming from somewhere and I’ve lost two already.


  25. This article is just a ploy to get us, the faithful readers, to comment more. That’s all.


  26. yay Psyko & Bellidancer!! I think this is the second time you’ve both been mentioned in the CARS Story. GO you!

    Two posters are known

    Psyko and Bellidancer

    than any others

  27. I think inside every computer professional is also a crappy guitar player.

    “modest tag line at the end of my comment that references my site”: MCROSOFT!!!!! MCROSOFT!!!!! MCROSOFT!!!!! MCROSOFT!!!!! MCROSOFT!!!!! MCROSOFT!!!!! MCROSOFT!!!!! MCROSOFT!!!!! MCROSOFT!!!!! MCROSOFT!!!!! MCROSOFT!!!!! MCROSOFT!!!!! YEah!!!!

    oh crap. post #90

    Oh, Jizno12345, the answer to your question of 50 comments ago is: “I never worked for Steve Jobs, I only developed for the Mac platform until I found a set of HUGE balls and decided to rip it off ===> Windows 1.0! The rest is, as we say, compuhistorical.

  28. Ladies, and Gentlemen I am sorry to announce the CARS Site is officially closing. Yes that’s right no more Apple Rumors.

    Sorry, Moltz

  29. Reading through the comments, I believe nothing is being banned, and the whole point of this is to tick all you guys off.

    (Oh, crap, I said something sensible. There I go).

Comments are closed.