Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today the Help Desk answers your questions about the CARS rules for commenting.
And just where do you think you’re going, mister?
You sit right back down and read the rules or don’t even think about experimenting with the dark forces that bind reality together after dinner!
Q: How might I get banned from commenting or have a comment deleted? Because I’d really like to get me some of that action.
A: Commenters may be banned for any reason at any time. Or for no reason at any time. For example, there may come an instance where either deleting a comment or banning a commenter might just be funny. Maybe someone starts making too much sense or providing a lot of helpful information. Boom. You’re gone, Chester. I mean, what do we look like? Macintouch? Hell no. Frickin’ do-gooders.
Or it might be a senseless excuse to exercise our power. Or that and be funny and with cause. Ultimately, the editor reserves the right to do any of these at any time and do them in the nude while eating a melting Bomb Pop, shivering with delight as each frigid and sticky drop hits his hairy torso.
Q: Can I impersonate other posters?
A: Impersonating others has been a time-honored commenting practice on Crazy Apple Rumors Site since it was first founded by the Romans over 2,000 years ago. As long as the impersonation is not harmful, malicious or just stupid, knock yourself out. For example:
Dave: First post!
“Dave”: I renounce my first post and give it to Bob!
Bob: Yay, me!
Dave: Wha- Hey! I didn’t do that!
Dave: First post!
“Dave”: I like to [bleep] little [bleep]s with [bleep] [bleep] and then [bleep] their [bleeeeeeep].
Dave: Oh, my god, that’s disgusting! I didn’t write that!
Q: Say, would you like to play Texas Hold ‘Em?
A: Spam comments are banned, obviously. This may include hand-spamming as well as automated spamming. If you have a web site to promote, bully for you. But you may not devote an entire comment to promoting your site. Put it as your URL and it’ll appear as the link associated with your name. You may even put a modest tag line at the end of your comment that references your site somehow, although you may be just opening yourself up for ridicule.
Q: May I ridicule others?
A: Ridiculing others within reason is not only not banned, it’s encouraged. You may not realize this, but the entire CARS staff has evolved beyond the need for corporeal bodies and our immortal pulsating brains are held in a domed vat filled with cerebral fluid from which we wager quatloos on your comment battles.
John: I wager 100 quatloos on Bellidancer!
Chet: 200 quatloos on Psyko!
Ugluk: 5,000 quatloos on red!
Chet: Um, I don’t think he knows what we’re doing.
Ugluk: 10,000 quatloos on blue!
Masako: This is the longest eternity ever. Can I get moved to a different vat?
Q: May I post offensive comments, like about your mother and how she [bleep] [bleep]s because she likes [bleep] [bleep]ing with her [bleep]?
Q: Oh, and [bleep] [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep]?
A: Nnno. If a comment is particularly offensive, it may be edited or deleted depending on the circumstances. If a comment is edited, the commenter will generally have the option of living with the edit or having the whole thing deleted or attending a three-week rehabilitation program put on by a several faith-based organizations.
Q: What about swearing?
A: Swearing is permitted as long as it passes the following test: if your mother heard you say it, would she chastise you and comfort herself by saying “Well, he certainly didn’t learn that at home!” Or would she emit an ear-piercing shriek as her eyes rolled back into her head and blood poured from her sockets as she reached for a screwdriver to stick in her ear in a vain attempt to remove the sound of the offending word? If it’s the former, it’s probably OK. If the latter, definitely not. Look, even though we’ve gone all uptown on you, we’ll never forget our roots as a collection of foul-mouthed degenerates looking to score a free Cinema Display. Which we haven’t yet, by the way. Someone lent us an older one once but that’s hardly the same thing, now, is it. Just in case anyone at Apple is reading this.
Q: OK, well, if you take exception to my comment about how I like to [bleep] with my [bleep] while I look at [bleep]s [bleep]ing, will you at least just email me in private about it?
A: Not necessarily. We reserve the right to take it up with you publicly. When you comment, you’re making a public statement, so you should be willing to stand by it, unless you didn’t realize all of its potential implications.
Like, let’s you didn’t know a certain thing about Steve Jobs’ history and then said something that was really stupid and offensive if you knew that thing about Jobs’ history. But you didn’t know. So, then, you shouldn’t have to defend that publicly because… you know… did not know that.
Not that that’s happened.
In the comments.
Q: What about the customs of commenting?
A: Customs are left up to the commenting community. Requirements that you explicitly state you’re claiming first post in order to be awarded first post, not mentioning the story until after a certain number of comments, etc. – these are all rules established by the community, not your Bomb Pop-soaked pulsating brain overlords.
See, that wasn’t so bad, now, was it?
Don’t you give me that look, mister…