04 Aug 05Apple To Open Extreme Apple Stores.


Sources within Apple’s retail group indicate that, building on the success of the regular Apple Stores and the Mini Apple Stores, the company is planning a line of Extreme Apple Stores.

According to those in the know, Extreme Apple Stores will feature the same great Macintosh computers, software, iPods and accessories as other Apple Stores, but will be in “extreme” locations. The move is being undertaken in an attempt to draw the important 18 to 35 year old demographic, which marketers know as the demographic that has little or no purchasing restraint.

Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller declined to confirm that Extreme Apple Stores were under development, but did say “Young people nowadays won’t even look at something unless it’s labeled ‘extreme’.

“Hence, your extreme sports, extreme news and extreme… um… pudding.

“I hear that even the porn industry is going extreme as regular porn is no longer drawing as many viewers.

“I don’t know that. It’s just… that’s what I heard. From… um… someone I certainly don’t know very well. More of an acquaintance than a friend…”

The first few stores to open will reportedly be the Extreme Apple Store McMurdo Station in Antarctica, the Extreme Apple Store K2 in the Himalayas between Pakistan and China, and the Extreme Apple Store Earth’s Core in the Earth’s core.

“All of these are very extreme environments,” said a source. “Extreme environments attract extreme people who engage in extreme spending. Or so we hope.

“I mean, when you’re at the Earth’s core and you need a USB hub, you don’t really care that it’s $175.”

Sources indicate that other Extreme Apple Store locations being considered are the International Space Station, Neverland and Sturgis.

38 Responses to “Apple To Open Extreme Apple Stores.”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Could I be FIRST?!!!

  2. Yay! an Appil stor.

  3. Melvin says:

    But without a name, who’ll believe I got it?

  4. Melvin says:

    Gosh, I just read the story, and it’s FUNNY, too — or as funny as something that doesn’t contain lesbian ninja sexbots can be.

  5. Carl says:

    You mean who will believe I got it, you lying lie-face.

  6. Carl says:

    Wait, reading your comment again, you don’t mean today, do you? I’m talking about the day that I did get first, but didn’t have time to put in my name. That was a long time ago though.

    Hmm. Yeah, now that I think about it, it would be weird for you to be bringing that old stuff up now.

  7. scottyb says:

    lol, they should put one in Saskatoon, Sask., Canada. It’s pretty extreme …….. ly boring.

  8. 2000guitars says:

    Hey, what about at the Red Dog Mine, here in Alaska? Once again, Alaskans get the shaft…

    http://www.conservationgiscenter.org/maps/html/reddog.html

  9. Aaron says:

    So, this American couple are driving around Canada, and they are lost. So very very lost. Finally they find a gas station. The wife goes inside and asks “Excuse me, could you tell me what city this is?” and the gas attendant says “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.”

    She gets back in the car, puzzled. The husband says, “Well, where are we?” She says, “I don’t know, we’ve gone so far they don’t speak English here.”

  10. Streetrabbit says:

    I can’t believe you’re running this story the same week an AppleCentre opens at the bottom of Kawarau Gorge in New Zealand.

    The store’s got a door in the roof so bungee jumpers can pop in, have a quick feel of Mighty Mouse and pop out again.

    It may take the serious shopper several jumps to browse around and find what they’re looking for and paying by credit card is a little problematic as well.

    http://www.bungee.com/bzapp/photos/bridges_scenic_water_trail.html

  11. Nxxx says:

    On this side of the pond, there is a peculiar North-Eastern tribe called Geordies. They strut around in tee shirts and jeans during the most abysmal, id est very cold, weather. We also have a saying that “There’s nothing as cold as a Geordie’s heart”

    Therefore all customers at the polar store/s must arrive on foot clad only in tee shirt, jeans and iPod socks, whilst centre of the Earth mandatory wear shall be full Inuit mid-winter outdoor garb.

    That should preserve the Mac abusers gene pool.

  12. ficko says:

    Aaron,

    Who said you speak English anyway?

    Who ever said we were divided by a common language was right.

    STOP THROWING THE BRICKBATS.

    I acknowledge that the American accent is Old Hampshire based.

    It was a joke, not a good one, but a joke all the same……..disappears blubbering into hankie………….

  13. won says:

    The Apple Store Baghdad.

  14. hesure says:

    Gentlemen,

    CORRECTION.

    My post of the 2nd August mentioned Wolsey as thrusting his hand in the fire, sorry it was Cranmer.

    Goes off to hang himself.

  15. Switcher says:

    Apple Store PARIS (France, not New Zeland) !!

    THAT would be extreme…

    Mwahahaha…

  16. Grbizick says:

    Gaaahhh!!!!! None are more extreme than the Moorlocks!!!

    How come we’ve been passed by?

  17. UhhhDude says:

    Extreme Apple Store K2! In Nepal!

    (Free USB hub to the first 50 climbers to reach the summit.)

    BTW, I play extreme chess, myself.

  18. Del says:

    I’ve been to the K2 store. It’s pretty cool. They let you “ibook” board down the side of the mountain.

  19. Streetrabbit says:

    I didn’t think the Mooorlocks were as deep as that.

    Still, this is CARS so…I guess they must be.

  20. Gag Halfrunt says:

    Sturgis?

    Do they wear pants there?

  21. Streetrabbit says:

    Leather bikey pants.

  22. ninjaloverguy says:

    I’m late, but…

    no one has mentioned the extreme lesbian ninjas that will be guarding these new extreme apple stores.

  23. Hobbs says:

    Very funny post.

    By the way, can we see a bigger photo? To my jaded eyes it looks like the store front sports a ‘smiley’ mac image–right?

  24. Poster Boy says:

    Aren’t the Mole People on Mars? The Moorlocks are definitely on Earth (I’m unsure about the depth.) Anyway, I’m beginning to think this map may be a hoax.

  25. muso the boozo says:

    Noticed that in the illustration of the centre of the Earth Apple Store, there is a D layer.

    While passing through this layer one must play one’s instrument in D presumably.

    Near the top of the illustration there is a plate sub-junction. Which one is it? As there are several, unless we can locate it, getting to the store might prove difficult.

    Bet they wont open a Store in Meolls on the Wirral, now that would be extreme.

  26. Poster Child says:

    …And what about the (apparently) “0° Layer”? What’s with that? It looks suspiciously like fudge.

  27. Poster Child says:

    D? Could be?…I thought it was 0°. I stumped here.

  28. Ace Deuce says:

    Apple Store Microsoft Campus, aka Technical Reference Library for Future Technology Innovation.

  29. 2 embarrassed says:

    You’ve been waiting for it

    Is that an Apple core?

  30. Huh? says:

    *picks up gun, aims at 2 embarrassed*

    *waits for retraction of GOD AWFUL pun*

    moo

  31. Psyko says:

    They need to put one in Redmond. That is the most extreme place any Mac user could go.

    MARK

  32. Psyko says:

    Oh yeah…

    *Picks up gun, stands next to Huh?, aims at 2 embarrassed*

    *and says, “Ditto.”*

    MARK

  33. Steve Jobs says:

    You forgot Applestore – Hell…

    …Oregon.

    😛

  34. UhhhDude says:

    Apple Store Extreme! In Mordor!

    Bring in the severed heads of a thousand Orcs to receive your free USB hub. (One Ring not included.)

    BTW, I also like to play Extreme Stamp Collecting! Woo! Yeah!

    Oh shut up. you know you like it, too….

  35. Switcher says:

    Yay, Mordor…

    Barad-Dur, largest Apple Store EVER.

    Good idea.

  36. NWJR says:

    Looks to me, from your map of the earth’s core, that if you want to get an EXTREME Apple Experience, you must Go To Hell.

    Of course, everyone knows Hell is in Michigan.

    But still.

    I’m just sayin…

  37. krez says:

    http://www.tigercompatible.com … check it… like the beastie boys said.

  38. JT says:

    More sports to play in line while waiting for the new stores to open…

    skeet golf, full contact chess, cross country bowling, ~~~EXTREME~~~ rock-paper-scissors and (of course) taunting Happy Fun Ball.