09 Aug 05Apple Accidentally Sues Itself.


Through an error committed by a lower-level paralegal several weeks ago, Apple has accidentally filed suit against itself for a host of grievances, including copyright infringement and restraint of trade.

Think Secret recently provided a rundown of Apple’s current litigation which neglected to note Apple Computer, Inc. v. Apple Computer, Inc., which is understandable as the company, also understandably, has attempted to keep a lid on the mistake.

Strangely, however, sources indicate the company is actively pursuing the litigation.

“[CEO] Steve [Jobs] has decided to make an example of Kenny the paralegal’s error,” a source in Apple Legal said.

Exemplary of the effort is General Counsel Nancy Heinen’s withering cross-examination of herself during depositions, as the following excerpt from court records proves.

HEINEN: Let’s talk about your company’s recently released “Tiger” operating system.
HEINEN: Um… OK.
HEINEN: Don’t you think it bears a striking resemblance to my company’s “Tiger” operating system?
HEINEN: I don’t know. I guess so.
HEINEN: You… “guess so.”
HEINEN: Well, I’m not a software engineer so…
HEINEN: Ms. Heinen! How long have you worked in the technology industry?!
HEINEN: [mumble-mumble]
HEINEN: I’m sorry, what was that, Ms. Heinen?! I couldn’t hear you!
HEINEN: I said pretty much all of my professional career!
HEINEN: “Pretty much all of your professional career”! Indeed! So, you’d think you would know something about operating systems by now!
HEINEN: I… I…
HEINEN: Tell the truth! “Tiger” is exactly the same as “Tiger”!
HEINEN: AAAAAGH! YES! YES! IT’S TRUE! THEY’RE EXACTLY THE SAME! AHHHHHHHHH-HUH-HUH-HUH!!!
HEINEN: I have no further questions. The witness is excused.

Heinen was also reportedly severely winded from having to run back and forth from her table to the witness stand.

Key elements of the lawsuit mistakenly filed by Kenny the paralegal (Apple has declined to release his last name) include:

  • Apple is claiming copyright infringement on the Apple logo, Macintosh trademark and pretty much everything else.
  • Apple is seeking an immediate cease and desist order against Apple to get it to stop doing every it’s doing at exactly the same time, because that’s really bugging it.
  • The company is also seeking a restraining order to prevent the company from coming within 100 yards of itself.

No one’s really sure how any of these could possibly work, but sources in Apple Legal maintain that Jobs is adamant the litigation go on, having said “No, no! Kenny seems to think we should sue ourselves, so let’s play out Kenny’s idea. I think Kenny’s a real ‘outside the box’ thinker! Isn’t that right, Kenny?

Kenny the paralegal reportedly shifted uneasily in his chair and stared at his shoes.

31 Responses to “Apple Accidentally Sues Itself.”

  1. BOb says:

    First…YEA

  2. mac_man25 says:

    SECOND!!!! Dude, awesome!

  3. mac_man25 says:

    Ummmmm, second? I hope.

  4. bob-the-llama says:

    Wow, fourth? Or is that third? Sheesh, the article’s four hours old and there aren’t thirteen billion people clamoring for the top ten spots. I guess your mommies have already put you to bed…

  5. bob-the-llama says:

    …but now, curiously enough, I see that there is a three-hour difference between my clock and the CARS clock. Interesting…There’s a conspiracy here, and I’ll eat my hand if it doesn’t involve Microsoft’s entire Board of Executives in cahoots with Tony the Tiger from the Frosted Flakes box.

  6. iBode says:

    6! Or at least top 10!

    Ok, I’ll read it now.

  7. iBode says:

    NO.

    It can’t be! I like Tony. I bet it was that Toucan Sam guy.

  8. Fate says:

    Top 10th. Ish. Kinda.

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    Which Apple is the one being sued by the original Apple–you know, the Beatle-ish Apple Corp. that contributed so much to pop culture in the…oh, never mind.

  10. Overclocked Lemon says:

    And now for another worthless booster post to hit eleventh.

  11. OverclockedLemon says:

    leventh! Muah ha ha!

    yeah, so I spelled my name wrong first time…

  12. Ozi says:

    FIEND! I was eagerly awaiting 11th… such a naughty tactic makes you scum, and as such you should die a terrible and flamesome death.

    With screaming, and self-flagellation.

    Only thusly will your devious ways be purged…

  13. OverclockedLemon says:

    Your words do not phase me, nor do they turn me into smoldering ruins. You shall have to do more than this to destroy me! My devious ways shall sustain me.

  14. Disgusted Col Retd says:

    Sir,

    Typical American. The only doubt is whether this counts as legal incest or schizophrenia.

    When the occasional bout of fighting broke out in my regiment, I used to make an example of the leaders and have them shot.

    The Jobs person seems to make a suitable shootee.

    Glad to be able to proffer advice.

  15. illegal eagle says:

    What does it matter, as long as we lawyers are being paid?

  16. OverclockedLemon's Dad says:

    You notice how OverclockedLemon always laughs evilly when he gets eleventh? And now he claims devious ways?

    All I can says is “Well, he certainly didn’t learn that at home!”

  17. z says:

    you spot grabbing whores are bloody useless.

  18. Wanderer says:

    I was told this is where there were free donuts?

  19. Anonymous says:

    Sorry, we’ve got donuts, but they’re 29.99 each.

  20. pmsg says:

    the spot-grabbing whores are free though…

  21. OverclockedLemon says:

    Aww, someone’s jealous.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Next week: “Oh no! They killed Kenny”?

  23. 2000guitars says:

    I was wondering how long it would be before we got a South Park reference… Way to Go, Gang.

  24. Clearly all that was needed was for someone at Apple to yell Jinx, and that would have ended it. *This* is why I’m paid the big buck$. To think. Plus some other stuff, I forget what right now…

    Ob. plug:

    Try it? You *have* to use it anyway: Microsoft, where information slams into the surface of your cratery, geek-faces. [64-button mouse optional]

  25. T'was a Malfunction says:

    Mr. Billy Gates – is it true that once upon a time that you infact used a 63 button mouse, setting an absolutely HORRIBLE example!? Filthy liar. I myself use a 128 button mouse, since I consider myself to be above such abysmal standards.

  26. Garnack says:

    I wonder if that’s Kenny Wunderslitz from my old elementary school. In fifth grade Kenny called himself out on the playground and beat the snot out of himself for tieing his own shoelaces together during math class. We all stayed away from Kenny after that.

    I also heard that in high school he went out and got drunk because he wouldn’t go to the prom with himself.

    I’m betting it’s the same Kenny.

  27. get a life says:

    6! Or at least top 10!

    Ok, I’ll read it now.

    —-

    GET A LIFE!

  28. GT5 says:

    Very Dumb

  29. Pile says:

    sounds like something for http://bsalert.com/

  30. iBode says:

    Hey, I have a life.

    It’s just not a very big or exciting one.

    And why didn’t you pick one the “SECOND!!!! Dude, awesome!” guy.

    I didn’t get that excited.