09 Aug 05Just 27 Hours Left To Enter First-Ever CARS Contest!


Through an error committed by a lower-level paralegal several weeks ago, Apple has accidentally filed suit against itself for a host of grievances, including copyright infringement and restraint of trade.

Think Secret recently provided a rundown of Apple’s current litigation which neglected to note Apple Computer, Inc. v. Apple Computer, Inc., which is understandable as the company, also understandably, has attempted to keep a lid on the mistake.

Strangely, however, sources indicate the company is actively pursuing the litigation.

“[CEO] Steve [Jobs] has decided to make an example of Kenny the paralegal’s error,” a source in Apple Legal said.

Exemplary of the effort is General Counsel Nancy Heinen’s withering cross-examination of herself during depositions, as the following excerpt from court records proves.

HEINEN: Let’s talk about your company’s recently released “Tiger” operating system.
HEINEN: Um… OK.
HEINEN: Don’t you think it bears a striking resemblance to my company’s “Tiger” operating system?
HEINEN: I don’t know. I guess so.
HEINEN: You… “guess so.”
HEINEN: Well, I’m not a software engineer so…
HEINEN: Ms. Heinen! How long have you worked in the technology industry?!
HEINEN: [mumble-mumble]
HEINEN: I’m sorry, what was that, Ms. Heinen?! I couldn’t hear you!
HEINEN: I said pretty much all of my professional career!
HEINEN: “Pretty much all of your professional career”! Indeed! So, you’d think you would know something about operating systems by now!
HEINEN: I… I…
HEINEN: Tell the truth! “Tiger” is exactly the same as “Tiger”!
HEINEN: AAAAAGH! YES! YES! IT’S TRUE! THEY’RE EXACTLY THE SAME! AHHHHHHHHH-HUH-HUH-HUH!!!
HEINEN: I have no further questions. The witness is excused.

Heinen was also reportedly severely winded from having to run back and forth from her table to the witness stand.

Key elements of the lawsuit mistakenly filed by Kenny the paralegal (Apple has declined to release his last name) include:

  • Apple is claiming copyright infringement on the Apple logo, Macintosh trademark and pretty much everything else.
  • Apple is seeking an immediate cease and desist order against Apple to get it to stop doing every it’s doing at exactly the same time, because that’s really bugging it.
  • The company is also seeking a restraining order to prevent the company from coming within 100 yards of itself.

No one’s really sure how any of these could possibly work, but sources in Apple Legal maintain that Jobs is adamant the litigation go on, having said “No, no! Kenny seems to think we should sue ourselves, so let’s play out Kenny’s idea. I think Kenny’s a real ‘outside the box’ thinker! Isn’t that right, Kenny?

Kenny the paralegal reportedly shifted uneasily in his chair and stared at his shoes.

MOVE IT, MAGGOTS!

32 Responses to “Just 27 Hours Left To Enter First-Ever CARS Contest!”

  1. djn says:

    wtf first?

  2. indeed says:

    seems like it

  3. David says:

    that just makes me happy. Never before and never again, but for this one, shining moment… I was first. ‘Scuse me, I have to go write in my journal.

    -DJN

  4. iBode says:

    Somewhere from 4th-8th!

  5. iBode says:

    Let’s try for 8th too!

  6. iBode says:

    Getting closer…

  7. iBode says:

    Almost there…

  8. iBode says:

    Bam! I got 4-8! Eat that!

  9. iBode says:

    Will there be another post in 13.5 hours?

  10. iBode says:

    Does anyone else visit CARS anymore?

  11. Ozi says:

    I claim this fabled 11th post in the name of all that is good and pure.

  12. 2ubesock Shakur says:

    Twevloon!

  13. Ace Deuce says:

    Yahtzee!

  14. Anonymous says:

    Gesundheit!

  15. Gom says:

    tiffeenth-a-licious!

  16. Anonymous says:

    I believe what John meant to say, judging by the time of his post, is “Just 26 Hours and 59 Minutes Left To Enter First-Ever CARS Contest!”

  17. Ummm…. How do we enter this “contest”? I want loot!

  18. Psyko says:

    I visit CARS, but I’m not sure if you believe I am not just you posting under a different name.

    MARK

  19. Del the Pirate says:

    Arggh we pirates prefer booty to loot

  20. Impertinent says:

    Are we to believe Del is a pirate–from a landlocked state? Can a midwesterner, a landlubber, aspire to be a pirate or buccaneer? Methinks highway(wo)man or rustler is more likely.

    Or pickpocket. Or cutpurse.

  21. Streetrabbit says:

    I sent an entry just to recieve the promised 2lb of cooking lard and confirmatory email. Guess what? Never recieved it.

    The contest is a hoax.

    Wait…the lard was another contest.

  22. iBode says:

    To Mr. Mark Psycho, your preposition is ludicrous.

    And what Midwestern state is Del from?

    Because a pirate can buccaneer on the Great Lakes.

    Or raid the little kiddies at the local pool.

  23. iBode says:

    By the way, I now have more posts than half of you combined on this thing.

    Now that I think about it, that’s quite sad.

    Never mind…

  24. Psyko says:

    PSYKO!!! NOT PSYCHO!!!

    MARK

  25. ...House says:

    Pirate or no, I tend to agree with Del…of course, it does rather depend on the, er, quality of booty versus the amount of the loot….

  26. Del the Pirate says:

    Arrrrh me matey’s I be terrorizing the Great Lakes so bad that now they are only O.K. Lakes. Arrrrgggghhh

    Where’s me grog.

    *Takes a swig of grog*

    I’ll tell ye how the Ella Fitzgerald really went down me boys.

  27. iBode says:

    Ha ha, I mad MARK mad (maybe even Psyko).

  28. iBode says:

    Yes, I know, that first one should be made, sorry.

  29. Anonymous says:

    The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down

    Of the big lake they called “Gitche Gumee”

    The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead

    When the skys of november turn gloomy

    With a load of iron ore twenty-six thousand tons more

    Then the Edmund Fitzgerald weighed empty

    That good ship and true was a bone to be chewed

    When the “Gales of November” came early

    The ship was the pride of the American side

    Coming back from some mill in Wisconsin

    As the big freighters go, it was bigger then most

    With a crew and good captain well seasoned

    Concluding some terms with a couple of steel firms

    When they left fully loaded for Cleveland

    And later that night when the ship’s bell rang

    Could it be the north wind they been feelin’?

    The wind in the wires made a tattle-tale sound

    And a wave broke over the railing

    And ev’ry man knew, as the captain did too

    ’twas the witch of November come stealin’

    The dawn came late and the breakfast had to wait

    When the Gales of November came slashin’

    When afternoon came it was freezin’ rain

    in the face of a hurricane west wind

    When suppertime came the old cook came on deck sayin’

    “Fellas, it’s been too rough to feed ya”

    At seven P.M. a main hatchway caved in, he said,

    “Fellas, it’s been good t’know ya”

    The captain wired in he had water comin’ in

    And the good ship and crew was in peril

    And later that night when ‘is lights went outta sight

    Came the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald

    Does anyone know where the love of God goes

    When the waves turn the minutes to hours?

    The searchers all say they’d have made Whitefish Bay

    If they put fifteen more miles behind ‘er

    They might have split up or they might have capsized

    They may have broke deep and took water

    And all that remains is the faces and the names

    Of the wives and the sons and the daughters

    Lake Huron rolls, Superior sings

    In the rooms for her ice-water mansion

    Old Michigan steams like a young man’s dreams

    The islands and bays are for sportsmen

    And farther below Lake Ontario

    Takes in what Lake Erie can send her

    And the iron boats go as the mariners all know

    With the Gales of November remembered

    In the musty old hall in Detroit they prayed

    in the “Maritime Sailors’ Cathedral”

    The church bell chimed ’til it rang twenty-nine times

    For each man on the Edmund Fitzgerald

    The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down

    Of the big lake they call “Gitche Gumee”

    “Superior” they said, “never gives up her dead

    When the gales of November come early!”

  30. Del says:

    Eh the sinking of the Edmund was Boring 🙂

    I’m tellin ya me hearties that the sinking of Ella is what is really interesting 😉

  31. digitalcowboy says:

    The real question is this, MARK:

    Whatcha gonna do if I call ya Francis?

  32. digitalcowboy says:

    What I meant to say was, “LIGHTEN UP, FRANCIS!