Through an error committed by a lower-level paralegal several weeks ago, Apple has accidentally filed suit against itself for a host of grievances, including copyright infringement and restraint of trade.
Think Secret recently provided a rundown of Apple’s current litigation which neglected to note Apple Computer, Inc. v. Apple Computer, Inc., which is understandable as the company, also understandably, has attempted to keep a lid on the mistake.
Strangely, however, sources indicate the company is actively pursuing the litigation.
“[CEO] Steve [Jobs] has decided to make an example of Kenny the paralegal’s error,” a source in Apple Legal said.
Exemplary of the effort is General Counsel Nancy Heinen’s withering cross-examination of herself during depositions, as the following excerpt from court records proves.
HEINEN: Let’s talk about your company’s recently released “Tiger” operating system.
HEINEN: Um… OK.
HEINEN: Don’t you think it bears a striking resemblance to my company’s “Tiger” operating system?
HEINEN: I don’t know. I guess so.
HEINEN: You… “guess so.”
HEINEN: Well, I’m not a software engineer so…
HEINEN: Ms. Heinen! How long have you worked in the technology industry?!
HEINEN: I’m sorry, what was that, Ms. Heinen?! I couldn’t hear you!
HEINEN: I said pretty much all of my professional career!
HEINEN: “Pretty much all of your professional career”! Indeed! So, you’d think you would know something about operating systems by now!
HEINEN: I… I…
HEINEN: Tell the truth! “Tiger” is exactly the same as “Tiger”!
HEINEN: AAAAAGH! YES! YES! IT’S TRUE! THEY’RE EXACTLY THE SAME! AHHHHHHHHH-HUH-HUH-HUH!!!
HEINEN: I have no further questions. The witness is excused.
Heinen was also reportedly severely winded from having to run back and forth from her table to the witness stand.
Key elements of the lawsuit mistakenly filed by Kenny the paralegal (Apple has declined to release his last name) include:
- Apple is claiming copyright infringement on the Apple logo, Macintosh trademark and pretty much everything else.
- Apple is seeking an immediate cease and desist order against Apple to get it to stop doing every it’s doing at exactly the same time, because that’s really bugging it.
- The company is also seeking a restraining order to prevent the company from coming within 100 yards of itself.
No one’s really sure how any of these could possibly work, but sources in Apple Legal maintain that Jobs is adamant the litigation go on, having said “No, no! Kenny seems to think we should sue ourselves, so let’s play out Kenny’s idea. I think Kenny’s a real ‘outside the box’ thinker! Isn’t that right, Kenny?”
Kenny the paralegal reportedly shifted uneasily in his chair and stared at his shoes.
MOVE IT, MAGGOTS!