27 Sep 05Not All iPod nano Screen Scratches Considered A Defect.

While a story by the Register decribes the many users who have complained about scratches on the screens of their new iPod nanos, one user who has such scratches is not complaining.

That is likely because the scratches on Ithaca College junior Justin Wooden’s new iPod nano are in the shape of a naked picture of Jennifer fricking Connelly.

“I’ve only had my nano for about a week, Wooden said. “I’m kind of hard on stuff like this and at first was pretty pissed off to see that it was getting really scratched across the front from being in my pocket with my keys.

“But around Thursday of last week I started to notice a pattern…”

Wooden carefully presented his iPod nano which he has since encased in custom-built wooden case lined with satin to protect it.

“I showed it to my buddy and said, ‘Hey, does that look like Jennifer fricking Connelly to you?’ And he was like ‘Holy crap, it is! It’s Jennifer fricking Connelly! And she’s naked!‘”

Wooden insists the scratches in the form of a naked Jennifer fricking Connelly are from normal wear and are not the result of deliberate damage to the screen of his nano.

Word of the appearance of the image has spread like wildfire and many have travelled great distances to see it.

“I drove all the way from SUNY Purchase to see the iPod nano scratches that look like a naked picture of Jennifer fricking Connelly,” Chris Harbaugh whispered reverently. “I’m not completely sure why. I have a broadband connection in my dorm. I could have just found some real pictures on the Internet.

“But this… this is a miracle. Anyone can download naked pictures of Jennifer fricking Connelly, but only god can randomly scratch one onto the screen of an iPod nano.”

Turning to Wooden, Harbaugh said “You are truly blessed.”

Wooden nodded silently in agreement.

Wooden has not decided what to do with the nano in the long run, but is considering donating it to a museum where it may benefit all mankind.

When reached for comment, Apple was quick to point out that while some iPod nanos may receive scratches in the form of a naked Jennifer fricking Connelly, this was not to be considered a standard feature.

No Responses to “Not All iPod nano Screen Scratches Considered A Defect.”

  1. I hereby claim all post numberings and revoke their usage for this post. Please proceed immediately to making dumb jokes about the article content.

  2. jp says:

    what the —-?

    can you do that?

    crap. that isn’t right.


    ruling please!

  3. John Moltz says:

    jp is right. You can’t do that. That’s bullshit.

    First post is awarded to jp. He also gets second post.

    He may also tell us the temperature in his pants.

  4. jp says:

    thank you.

    102. its getting hot in here.

  5. crayZ says:

    I think the scratches look more like Elvis. I can’t tell if he’s naked or not though.

  6. Mr/Ms Adrian,

    This is CARS, whether we like it or not, they play by GARS rules here.

    The CARS rules state the one must “… explicitly state you’re claiming first post in order to be awarded first post.”


    No matter how much we wish it were, this is not lifehacker. They do not play by lifehacker rules here.


    Ruling for the plantiff, Mr/Ms jp.

  7. jakej720 says:

    lol…..If only they just didn’t scratch at all :/

  8. Huh? says:

    Well, my nano’s scratches only look like my pants.

    Weird, huh?

    It would explain my lack of pants though…


  9. Psyko says:

    Moltz, I want my MP back…


  10. steveo says:

    I am not so sure that scratches of a naked Jennifer fricking Connelly is such a good thing. Of course the naked part is good, but she made that math guy go off his fricking gourd. Some might say that Jennifer fricking Connelly would be a great way to go off your gourd, but I would say that Wooden should take Huh?’s advice and keep that possessed nano away from his pants.

  11. Anonymous says:


  12. Daann says:

    In my haste andexcitement i forgot my name on the 11th! Dammit. Claiming it now.

  13. nxxx says:

    What is this? Claim and counter-claim on CARS? Another reason for


  14. shoeshine says:

    The scratches on mine are in the form of Aria Giovanni.

  15. Small Paul says:

    Y’know, I went to university with a girl who looked a bit like Jennifer frickin’ Connelly.

  16. Jennifer frickin' Connelly says:

    My butt has a scratch the shape of an ipod nano on it. What is a good way to get it off?

  17. Link says:

    Scientists photograph giant squid

  18. scared monster says:

    You decently cannot trust someone listening to Procol Harum.

    I don’t believe.

  19. Del says:

    I have to agree CrayZ it looks more like Elvis. The Mega-Post used to have a Jennifer fricking Connelly sexbot but she got worn out long before her warranty period was up so Apple decided to ditch the product. It seems the repair costs would have broken the company.

  20. Ficko says:

    Why don’t Apple make nano iPods in the shape of the very aptly named female Cors? I’d enjoy a couple. Look, unintentional double entendre, maybe I’m more intelly….wotsit than i fink……….

  21. 2embarrassed says:

    CrayZ and Del,

    It can’t be Elvis. There’s not enough room on a nano for that fat freak.

  22. 2embarrassed says:


    Sorry to post again but is it true that that sexbot caught AIDS?

  23. Post #23

    “cannot trust someone listening to Procol Harum”

    I concur.

    Okay, I like to have my secret lab interns do my evil bidding. So, what better way to line my pockets than with mysterious images etched onto iPods for sale to the idiots on ebay. So, I had them dump 24 iPod Nanos and 24 dellPods into two seperate mini-cement mixers filled with car keys, coins, dog kibble, rocks, lint, tree bark and a “Chocolate Concerto” drumstick ice cream cone. Then we turned them on. Well, what we have now will amaze and impress even the most hardened of you, except for the Jennifer fricking Connelly fans. Similar etchings were created between both mixers. We found 12 Virgin Marys, 4 Jesus’ on the Shroud of Turin, 1 map to the location of where they buried Jimmy Hoffa (unfortunately only on a dellPod, so we threw it out), 1 picture of Japan’s Pink Lady, 1 picture of Steve Jobs giving that CEO from Moto the finger (again on a dellPod, so in the bin with that one) and 1 picture of Nessie the Lock Ness Monster. The rest were just all scratched up, and sorry there were no repeats of Jennifer fricking Connelly. It was a stupid thing to do, but I’m the richest man in the frickin universe, so what the hell do I care?

  24. Del says:

    Sexbots like most Apple products do not get viruses.

  25. jp says:

    I hereby revoke my first (and second) post status awarded by Moltz. Adrian was correct except for ’11th?’ I also revoke my pants’ temperature.

  26. Why is it Jennifer fricking Connelly? Shouldn’t that be Jennifer frickin’ Connelly? And why do most of the Star Trek TOS technical solutions involve switching in the “auxiliary power” or otherwise “boosting the power”? What the hell is that about? I’d love a future that worked like that, always running a few volts too low, but then shit happens and we kick it up a notch and switch on the “auxiliary power”! That would be kick-ass!!

    Dude, my cell phone is cutting out, not enough signal… time for the “auxiliary power”!!!

    Honey, we’re not going to make it to Disneyland before dark… switch on the “auxiliary power”!!!

    Doctor, my erections are not as long and strong as they used to be, what should I do?

    DUUUUUUUDE!!! I mean, Mr. Johnson, You need “auxiliary power”!!!!!!

    Balmer, you know what we need in Vista…

  27. Oh, man. I see why Moto’s CEO was so anti-iPod:


    Who knew they even made an MP3 player? Here’s my favorite part (the bad):

    “Somewhat confusing menu controls; poor-quality FM recording; software rips CDs only into WMA.”

    Let me tell you, Moto is second only to the crappy interfaces we strap-on to Windows. No one, NO ONE, out crapifies Microsoft! We shall prevail.

  28. jp says:

    First someone tries to claim all the post numberings, which despite the ruling from a Supreme Court nominee in favor of numbering, seemed to throw off the system.

    Now, someone posing as “jp”, which could not have been jp because I am jp and I didn’t do it, revoked first and second post AND more outragously revoked the temperature in my pants! Is nothing sacred?!

    What will be next?

    yours in outrage,

    jp (not”jp”)

  29. jp says:


    That wasn’t me either! Who’s carrying on a frickin’ conversation as me?

  30. iBode says:

    Hey Moltz, how long did it take Spotlight to find that picture of Jennifer frickin’ Connelly?

    Yeah, not Google, Spotlight.


  31. jp says:


    i, of course, am carrying on a conversation as you, you fricking mutant doppleganger, die!

  32. Nxxx says:


    Slip your arms into these nice stylish jackets, and let me do the straps up. Now we’ve got a nice white van outside and we’re going to take a nice little ride to a nice house, where we have a nice padded room for each of you and we will monitor you pants’ temperature 24/7.

  33. jp says:


    all that sounds nice, I just have one request. could you include an rss feed on the pant’s monitor?

  34. Streetrabbit says:

    Wouldn’t it be great if there were CARS tee-shirts?

  35. Ace Deuce says:

    I want the Pants Temperature Monitor widget for Dashboard. Where is it posted?

  36. asozasis says:

    The Jennifer frickin’ Connelly iPod is now being auctioned on ebay

  37. Anonymous says:

    You can get more accurate readings if you measure the temperature of the grits prior to pouring them in the pants. Simply factor in the enthalpy of the grits as they are poured and viola: temperature of pants.