07 Oct 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

The Help Desk guy called in sick, so today’s questions will be answered by a Macintosh User Group member!


Q: I have a PowerBook that I take with me when I travel to visit my clients. I purchased an AppleCare protection plan because I knew the machine would be subject to some abuse. My question is, under AppleCare protection, what is Apple’s responsibility to me to return my PowerBook to me in a timely fashion?
A: In order to run AppleCare on your System 7 machine, go into the Chooser and set AppleTalk to Active. Then open the AppleTalk control panel and…
Q: Um… I think that’s AppleShare.
A: What?
Q: That’s AppleShare. I’m talking about AppleCare. The warranty extension program.
A: Oh. Yeah, that’s wrong. I’m talking about AppleShare. See, all of the Macs I generally work with were discontinued during the first Clinton administration.
Q: I see.
A: Yeah, but you shouldn’t need any kind of extended warranty because Macs never fail.
Q: Uh-huh.
A: And they’re totally plug-and-play. Not like Windows 95.
Q: Of course they are.
A: OK, then! Glad I could help!
Q: Um… Yeah. Well… never mind.


Q: I have an iPod with a Firewire dock connector and I’m thinking of upgrading. But I see now that all of the units ship with USB 2.0 connectors, and I know the nano doesn’t even work with Firewire. Which units can I still use my Firewire cable with?
A: …
Q: I think the other units are still Firewire-compatible. Do you know for sure?
A: …
Q: Uh…
A: …
Q: I’ll just… well… I’ll just buy one and then return it if it doesn’t work. Or… um… get another cable or something.
A: …
Q: …
A: Fire… wire?


Q: I’m running System 7.6 on a Performa 6200 and I’m trying to load this web site in Cyberdog and I keep getting an error.
A: Ah! What’s the site?
Q: ESPN.com. I hear they have these cool little windows that show you the baseball playoff games in action. I think they run on OpenDoc.
A: Well, I’m sure it’s just some non-standard code. Probably something to run on Windows, like some OLE plug-in or something. It’s a drag, but that’s the world we live in, right? Still, Cyberdog’s way cool, though. I’m sure the next release will have some really cool features.
Q: Oh, I’m sure it will. So, there’s this other web site that it won’t load.
A: Which one?
Q: W3.org.
A: You’re… mocking me, aren’t you?
Q: Um… well… yes.
A: You know, MUG members have feelings, too.
Q: Yes, but they’re woefully out of date feelings.
A: Um… so?

78 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. acewipe says:

    this fucking monday thing is fucked. we wait all weekend and then we have to wait until fucking 4am mid-atlantic time to get a post.

    And just for the record, I have it from a highly trained talking dog that there is no Moltz. He also said that it takes thousands of people in India to come up with the 30 to 60 comments that you see everyday.

  2. Ahnyer Keester says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  3. Cai says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  4. 2000guitars says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  5. Huck says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  6. ...House says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  8. UhhDude says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  9. acewipe says:

    the indian’s (from India) must be on strike or we have some kind of scratch in the LP to comment software program.

    at the same time this malfunction only proves taht there is no moltz.

  10. The Luminiferous Æther Bunny says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  11. Billy "I am really John Moltz" Gates says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  12. acewipe says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  13. Disgusted Col Retd says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  14. 2ubesock Shakur says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  15. satvah says:

    it seems that moltz is a part of everything and everything is a part of moltz. moltz is the one, the wholeness and the emptyset. Moltz is infinity and division by zero.

  16. 2embarrassed says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  17. scared monster says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  18. satvah says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  19. [anyone else who posts here] says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  20. John Moltz says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  21. me too says:

    good stuff tonight moltz.

  22. holy crap says:

    and that last one was a blue John Moltz! it’s true!

    holy crap, wait, does that also mean that I am John Moltz?

    Woohoo!

  23. georgeplimpton says:

    I think this is some kind of MUG attack on CARS. MUGs do not like Indian laborers making fun of them.

  24. Ahnyer Keester says:

    I am really John Moltz.

    Oh wait, someone already posted that for me. Shucks.

  25. Huh? says:

    I am really John Moltz.

  26. ijit says:

    uh, so is it just me and moltz’s multiple personalities posting here? … its kinda worrying i didint notice. Um I think im just gonna go a way and hide my head in some sand…

  27. Ahnyer Keester says:

    All it proves is that NO ONE REALLY READS THIS SITE!! Moltz writes this stuff and then he reads it and then he comments on it. No one else!!

  28. The real John Moltz [errr... not so much] says:

    How do gay people make calls?

    On a homo-phone!

    Hahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahaha! A-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Hahaha! Ha! Ha…. ha…. Whew. Lordy.

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