Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today the Help Desk handles your questions about legal actions against Apple!
Q: I read today that Apple’s already facing a class action lawsuit because the nano scratches too easily. Now, I don’t own a nano, but I’d like to get myself some of that sweet Apple lawsuit action. How can I get me some of that?
A: Well, do you own any other Apple products?
Q: Let me look around. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, no.
A: That’s OK. It’s not necessarily a requirement. Here, let’s try this out. A lot of people have complained about the fact that the iPod batteries are not easily replaceable. Does the thought that the iPod batteries are not easily replaceable cause you mental anguish?
Q: Um… yes! Yes, it does!
A: Then you’ve got yourself a lawsuit, mister!
A: How dare they cause you to think of the suffering of Apple customers who have to send their iPods out to get their batteries replaced!
A: You don’t need that!
Q: No way! Not after I crashed that bus full of nuns!
A: You… crashed a bus full of nuns?
Q: Oh. Yeah. But it’s cool. Nuns aren’t very litigious.
A: I… see.
Q: I’m a little confused by all the different Apple lawsuits out there and I’m hoping you can set me straight. Now, I know Creative has made idle threats to sue Apple because it was granted a patent to pretty much the only obvious interface for a digital music player. But so far they haven’t sued, right?
A: That’s right.
Q: OK. And Microsoft has only coyly made reference to the fact that it was granted a patent to a scroll wheel like the one on the iPod, but has not sued.
A: Correct again.
Q: OK. But what other companies have lowered their sunglasses to look at Apple’s ass as it walked by?
A: Well, we’ve heard that just this week Adobe has looked lustfully at Apple as it shook its Aperture moneymaker.
Q: Oooh, yeah. That’s nasty.
A: And then this hardware manufacturer was literally humping the remote control for the new iMacs.
Q: Oh, man! That is messed up! That is freak-ay! Whoooo! Yeah! Ai-ai-ai-ai-ai! Oh, momma!
Q: Ha-ha! Yes!
Q: Uh… heh.
Q: I… took it too far again, didn’t I?
A: You should seek professional help.
Q: I’m involved in several Apple lawsuits and I’m having a hard time keeping track of them all. PowerBook battery, nano scratching, iBook battery, original iPod battery, personal injury…
A: Personal injury?
Q: I was using iPhoto and I accidentally cropped my head off.
A: But that’s… just a picture.
Q: Yes, but the picture’s ruined now.
A: You can just revert it to the original.
Q: I don’t know how to do that.
A: You could just check on Apple’s support site.
Q: I could what? Look, anyway, my question is, is there a software application that can easily keep track of lawsuits?
A: Um, no. Not that I know of.
Q: Well, shoot. You know, why doesn’t Apple make something? I mean, there’s a need out there. I can see a nice brushed metal interface, with a list down the left to organize your lawsuits. It’s a natural. But where’s Apple? Where’s Apple? WHERE ARE YOU APPLE?
A: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me…
Q: I’m gonna… I’m gonna sue them.