24 Oct 05CARS Staff Meeting Minutes.


The following are the minutes from today’s Crazy Apple Rumors Site staff meeting.


Big Bang Plus 15 Seconds – The Entity arrives at the coordinates that will one day be the CARS conference room. Seeing no one else is here (nor, indeed, have our atoms even been created), he decides to go out for coffee for 15 billion years.

9:00 AM, Today – Meeting begins. Present are Moltz, MacGruder, Howard, Ugluk and Yamamoto. Discussion centers around what everyone did over the weekend and what, exactly, constitutes a cruller.

9:05 AM – The Entity arrives – inexplicably 5 minutes late after 15 billion years – and by way of explanation says only “Traffic.” It is unclear if he means he was held up in some sort of pan-dimensional traffic or if he was just out back by the dumpster listening to the ’60s and ’70s rock band Traffic and smokin’.

9:15 AM – Discussion centers around the site’s relationship with Macworld magazine. There is concern that Macworld is drifting over into our turf. Options are discussed, from tersely-worded emails to less pleasant options involving swirlies, flying wedgies and snicker-snagging. Finally is is decided that after the meeting we’ll all pile into the Pinto, drive by the Macworld offices and lean out the window and yell “Boner!”

[The minutes as taken do not indicate how this conclusion was reached and no one can really seem to recall, particularly how we settled on the word “boner.” Although MacGruder giggles uncontrollably every time someone says it.]

9:25 AM – At this point, the staff begins to wonder where Thor is. There’s a little grumbling indicating some tension, most likely spurred by envy, with the exception of Howard who’s a dog and consequently likes everyone, even MacGruder who’s clearly the least likable staff member.

9:30 AM – In discussing potential stories for this week, Masako supports focusing on Apple’s announcement today of an iTunes Music Store for Australia. As it’s Australia, however, there’s confusion as to whether they announced it today or yesterday, in which case we’ve already missed the news cycle.

The Entity mumbles “Midnight oil”, which leads some to believe he thinks we should work overtime on this news item, but I’m now convinced he’s downloaded the entire iTunes catalog to his memory and is just calling out random band names.

9:45 AM – By this time everyone’s a little pissed that Thor isn’t here yet. Does he think he’s better than us? What’s the deal? I mean, he is better than us, but that’s no excuse to be haughty.

9:50 AM – Ugluk believes we haven’t paid enough attention to the virus gap between OS X and Windows and that with it being mentioned in a BusinessWeek article, now would be a good time to do a piece on it.

We all roll our eyes because we know that Ugluk’s working on the latest book in his series of “The Neanderthal’s Guide To…”, this one being on Mac OS X security. The whole series is nothing but cave drawings of how to set up OS X Server, how to use iPhoto, how to use a Mac in a Windows environment, etc. I don’t know how O’Reilly sells them, but they do.

9:55 AM – Thor arrives, explaining he just flew in from Burma where he broke up a white slavery ring. He hustles in a group of famished-looking youngsters who gorge themselves on donuts and then fall asleep in the corner.

We decide not to make an issue of his tardiness.

Plus, he brought us all presents.

The Entity laughs and says “Bachman Turner Overdrive!” and disappears, leaving his pen on the table.

10:00 AM – The meeting is adjourned. I make a note to have an agenda for tomorrow’s meeting. Thor gently wakes the youngsters and we all make our way out to the Pinto.

Four billion years from now – The Entity swings by the burnt-out remains of the Earth to pick up his pen, which he just remembered he left on the table.

36 Responses to “CARS Staff Meeting Minutes.”

  1. croikle says:

    First post!

  2. Carl says:

    First post by someone without a ridiculously made up name. “Croikle”? More like “Dork-Croikle-who-takes-the-first-post-even-though-I-really-wanted-it-whaaaaa.”

  3. Carl says:

    Ten-hundred-dozen-billion years later. I learn to forgive Croikle, am released from purgitory.

  4. OverclockedLemon says:

    Wow, sucks to be you, Carl.

  5. Nxxx says:

    John,

    Congratulations on brilliant reporting. Could you now do a report on one of George W’s cabinet meetings. Could start,”Hello Cabinet, Let us pray etc. etc.

  6. Me says:

    Hehehehehehe Australia

  7. TheCrookedCock1 says:

    Was uuuuuuuupppppppp *Bang* *Slump*

  8. Ace Deuce says:

    I’ve never been there, but I believe it’s always yesterday in Australia.

    And two seasons from now.

    Somethingth post, by the way!

  9. Streetrabbit says:

    No no no it’s always tomorrow in Australia…except in Canberra where it’s always 1973…and Tasmania where it’s always 1864.

  10. GingerSex says:

    Setting up for…

  11. one man and his mac says:

    eleventh! eleventh! now what was it about?

  12. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Twelfifthy.

    BTW, at 15 seconds after the Big Bang all your atoms were indeed created. You really need to have the Entity proof these things before they go to press. He knows, he was there!

    Oh yea, and Burma is now called Myanmar. Unless you’re Burmese then you call it Burma. The government calls is Myanmar. And everyone pronounces that word differently too. Some drop the r, some pronouncement it hard. Very confusing.

    And give those children something more substantial than donuts!

  13. scared monster says:

    12

    A pinto!

    That’s cool!

  14. Switcher says:

    13…

    Or 14 maybe.

    Less scary.

    As usual, the Entity rocks.

  15. Agrajag says:

    Say, is Magruder still dating that Apple babe?

  16. iBode says:

    Please ignore nxxx and do not do a political article. There’s enough of that on other sites.

    Oh, and what is Yamamoto doing? Moltz seems to have taken the notes, and everyone else is mentioned.

  17. Big Bust says:

    Best CARS meeting notes in the last 15 billion years.

    BTW, what preceeded the big bang?

  18. Del says:

    It’s nice to hear that Howard is doing good. We haven’t heard from him for awhile.

    I know you guys blame him for the “Flea Incident”, but honestly I think your culprit is MacGruder.

  19. Big Bust, first there was nothing. Absolute nothing.

    And then it blew up.

  20. acl says:

    >>BTW, what preceeded the big bang?

    Dinner and a movie.

  21. Streetrabbit says:

    I have to make serious comment about the $1.69 Apple and the recording industry expect people to pay for an iTMS Australia track…

    YOU CAN TAKE THAT AND #@&*^k!* IT AS FAR UP AS $#$@^ AND %?**^~+_- AS WELL. YOU $#@&&^% BUNCH OF *&^%$#+ WEEDED LITTLE @##$%^*&%%.

    Don’t they realise that if they made the price maybe something like $0.50 people would buy a lot more songs? And they’re gonna sell albums they don’t even bother shipping to music stores? Is it me? Am I insane? Does J Lo need another million dollar Maybach?

  22. John Moltz says:

    I think, Streetrabbit, what you’re failing to take into consideration is the cost of manufacturing each song. I hear it costs about 85 cents to assemble each song before it ships.

    And that they’re assembled by tiny musicians who live in your computer.

  23. Huh? says:

    Come on Streetrabbit, you can do better than $#@&&^%

    That’s so… cartoony.

    Please elaborate.

    *insert comment about my pants here*

    moo

  24. 2000guitars says:

    I could always tell that that Thor was a flaky individual.

    mmmmmmmm doughnuts…

    Jefferson Airplane!

  25. 2000guitars says:

    AAAARRRRGH!

    Sorry, I fell into the trap of the on topic post. Won’t happen again, I assure you.

    Now, about those pants…

  26. Del says:

    Journey Rocks!

  27. 80s guy says:

    REO Speedwagon = Pinto?

  28. In honor of the Australia iTMS:

    Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree

    Eating all the gumdrops that he can see

    Stop, kookaburra, stop

    Kookaburra, leave some there for me

    Some very wealthy friends I know

    Declare I am most clever

    While some can talk for an hour or so

    Why I can talk for ever

    Bump me into parliament

    Bounce me any way at all

    Bang me into parliament

    On next election day

    Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda,

    You’ll come a Waltzing Matilda with me,

    And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boil

    You’ll come a Waltzing Matilda with me.

    Play your digeridoo, Blue,

    play your digeridoo.

    Play until I shoot through, Blue,

    play your digeridoo.

    Altogether now!

    Tie me kangaroo down sport,

    tie me kangaroo down.

    Tie me kangaroo down sport,

    tie me kangaroo down.

    Thank you. I’m here all week.

  29. Nxxx says:

    John,

    If you cannot do a political post, then feature an Apple scam instituted by iBode. No need to thank me Mr. iBode.

  30. Jason says:

    BONER!

  31. Streetrabbit says:

    Yeah yeah I know all about the tiny musicians but you can’t tell me they’re not surviving just fine on the crumbs and coffee that spills through my keyboard?

    Can you believe Windows users think it’s their hard drive that makes all those faint little taps and whirs?

    30 Odd Foot Of Grunts

  32. name? says:

    i didn’t know thor was a pedophile.

    thats terrible.

  33. Dexter Span says:

    At this so called meeting, what was Masako wearing ???

  34. scared monster says:

    (I was sure I made a brilliant comment, at the 12th, or something, including some reflexion about a Pinto. I am sure someone, or something made it disappear. Maybe those tiny musicians, tired of playing

    Dean Martin

    I should apologize about that, but

    I love Dino

    Everybody needs somebody somehow

    Everyone …la la la laa

  35. scared monster says:

    Forgot this:

    )