The following are the minutes from today’s Crazy Apple Rumors Site staff meeting.
Big Bang Plus 15 Seconds – The Entity arrives at the coordinates that will one day be the CARS conference room. Seeing no one else is here (nor, indeed, have our atoms even been created), he decides to go out for coffee for 15 billion years.
9:00 AM, Today – Meeting begins. Present are Moltz, MacGruder, Howard, Ugluk and Yamamoto. Discussion centers around what everyone did over the weekend and what, exactly, constitutes a cruller.
9:05 AM – The Entity arrives – inexplicably 5 minutes late after 15 billion years – and by way of explanation says only “Traffic.” It is unclear if he means he was held up in some sort of pan-dimensional traffic or if he was just out back by the dumpster listening to the ’60s and ’70s rock band Traffic and smokin’.
9:15 AM – Discussion centers around the site’s relationship with Macworld magazine. There is concern that Macworld is drifting over into our turf. Options are discussed, from tersely-worded emails to less pleasant options involving swirlies, flying wedgies and snicker-snagging. Finally is is decided that after the meeting we’ll all pile into the Pinto, drive by the Macworld offices and lean out the window and yell “Boner!”
[The minutes as taken do not indicate how this conclusion was reached and no one can really seem to recall, particularly how we settled on the word “boner.” Although MacGruder giggles uncontrollably every time someone says it.]
9:25 AM – At this point, the staff begins to wonder where Thor is. There’s a little grumbling indicating some tension, most likely spurred by envy, with the exception of Howard who’s a dog and consequently likes everyone, even MacGruder who’s clearly the least likable staff member.
9:30 AM – In discussing potential stories for this week, Masako supports focusing on Apple’s announcement today of an iTunes Music Store for Australia. As it’s Australia, however, there’s confusion as to whether they announced it today or yesterday, in which case we’ve already missed the news cycle.
The Entity mumbles “Midnight oil”, which leads some to believe he thinks we should work overtime on this news item, but I’m now convinced he’s downloaded the entire iTunes catalog to his memory and is just calling out random band names.
9:45 AM – By this time everyone’s a little pissed that Thor isn’t here yet. Does he think he’s better than us? What’s the deal? I mean, he is better than us, but that’s no excuse to be haughty.
9:50 AM – Ugluk believes we haven’t paid enough attention to the virus gap between OS X and Windows and that with it being mentioned in a BusinessWeek article, now would be a good time to do a piece on it.
We all roll our eyes because we know that Ugluk’s working on the latest book in his series of “The Neanderthal’s Guide To…”, this one being on Mac OS X security. The whole series is nothing but cave drawings of how to set up OS X Server, how to use iPhoto, how to use a Mac in a Windows environment, etc. I don’t know how O’Reilly sells them, but they do.
9:55 AM – Thor arrives, explaining he just flew in from Burma where he broke up a white slavery ring. He hustles in a group of famished-looking youngsters who gorge themselves on donuts and then fall asleep in the corner.
We decide not to make an issue of his tardiness.
Plus, he brought us all presents.
The Entity laughs and says “Bachman Turner Overdrive!” and disappears, leaving his pen on the table.
10:00 AM – The meeting is adjourned. I make a note to have an agenda for tomorrow’s meeting. Thor gently wakes the youngsters and we all make our way out to the Pinto.
Four billion years from now – The Entity swings by the burnt-out remains of the Earth to pick up his pen, which he just remembered he left on the table.