25 Oct 05Apple Yanks iPod Nano.


Apple announced today that it will be pulling the iPod nano in response to a class action law suit claiming the company sold a defective product that scratches too easily.

The company is taking the lawsuit rather hard, as was apparent at a press conference on the Apple campus today.

“We wanted to do something nice for digital music listeners,” said CEO Steve Jobs, frowning and shaking his head sadly. “But, I see that a few malcontents are determined to spoil a good time for everyone.”

According to Chief Operating Officer Tim Cook, it was litigation such as this that ruined the Thing Maker.

“Apparently,” Cook said, “a couple of sissies had to go cry to their mommas because their nanos got a little scratchy-watchied. Well, I don’t know why they didn’t keep them in their man-purses for protection in the first place. You know what I’m saying? It’s not just me, right?”

When nano-philes pleaded with Jobs to allow the product to continue to be sold, Jobs crossed his arms and looked away.

“No, no, no! If everyone’s not happy with it, that’s fine! I don’t mind! Really! But I won’t sell it unless everyone’s happy! I will turn this company right around and we can just all sit at home playing the ukulele or the recorder or something instead of listening to lots of fresh digital music.

“If that’s what everyone wants, that’s fine with me! I’m not going to slave away to make these nice products for you… products I ask nothing more than your money for… products I put my heart and soul into…”

Jobs sniffed and wiped away a tear as a concerned Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller ran up and put his arm around him.

“Look what you’re doing to him!” Schiller said. “You’re tearing him apart!”

No word yet on whether or not the Apple guilt trip has had any effect on the class action. The company intends to keep it up until the suit is dropped or it is forced to resurface every iPod nano sold in shiny diamonds.

30 Responses to “Apple Yanks iPod Nano.”

  1. Biff says:

    Firstish?

  2. Biff says:

    Yup, and I read the article.

  3. Skeptical says:

    Are you sure you did?

  4. croikle says:

    4 (3rd unique!)

  5. croikle says:

    RSS feeds are very useful for getting early comments…yay Safari RSS!

  6. Do you people have a social life? When the fuck am I going to get to be first! Shit…..solk-a-polk-a

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    What? They have man-purses now? All this time I’ve been using a girly-purse!

    I want mine in camo with dirt and grass stains.

  8. you know what's funny? says:

    (not) FIRST POST

  9. shinydv says:

    If we were in the 9th dimension, this would be the first post

  10. pretentious asshole says:

    First modulo 9

  11. UhhhDude says:

    Eleventh! Yes!

  12. Nxxx says:

    Let’s have a whip round for Steve. If we send him all our money, he will know we care.

    John would you act as administrator?

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    This story would’ve been so much more interesting if only you’d replaced the “Y” with a “W”.

    And you would’ve attracted a whole new demographic of readers.

    Whatd’ya mean we are that demographic!?

  14. Jeremiah Hawkins says:

    I heard that apple was going to provide an apple branded drill and buffing kit with all the nano’s. It’ll come in black and white and have a high glossy shine, but the drill comes with a warning that if you put it in your pocket it might no shine as nice.

  15. mike says:

    fifteentfh

  16. Ahnyer Keester says:

    First, I’m claiming first post for tomorrow. There. Nailed it.

    Second, tell Steve that we all love his iPod nano and at recess we took the guys with the “man-purses” out behind the Track and Field storage shed. We told them we had some cigarettes that Bryan Chaffin stole out of his mother’s purse. (BTW, she has a mom’s purse that smells like perfume, chewing gum and cigarettes. Like a purse should!)

    Anyway once we got the “man-pursy’s” out there Jack Miller started pushing them around and then the rest of us started pushing them around and we all said “oh yea!” We took their man-purses and emptied them on the grass, which was still wet from the dew and so their stuff got all wet. A few had some homework in them and they got all messed up and they can’t turn them in now. Heh.

    Anyway, tell Steve that we “took care” of the problem. We’re planning on threatening them at their lockers later and snapping towels at them in the locker room.

  17. Fr. Guilt says:

    I didn’t realize that Apple was Catholic.

  18. Jay says:

    “products I ask nothing more than your money for”

    I believe we all know that Steve would have used proper grammar.

    “Products for which I ask nothing more than your money”

    Also it is a widelt known fact that Apple is catholic but I think that doesn’t matter to much to this story, here they are just taking responsibilty. If the story had indeed been with a w instead of a y, that is to say they wanked the iPod nano I think the catholic guilt would have been all consuming, possibly causing them to spontaneously perform hail mary’s in the halls and begin every conference with an our father or two. After that didn’t help they would probably get really depressed and wonder if their most recent face break out was caused by their evil habit and probably would have started smoking and eventually sleeping with those easy girls in who school who do it behind the gym with any guy and everyone knows it.

  19. soosy says:

    “Look what you’re doing to him!” Schiller said. “You’re tearing him apart!”

    LOL!!

  20. Huh? says:

    My pants feel guilty, for they have scuffed my nano.

    They also feel soft and smell fresh, for I washed them last night.

    Mmmmm… Warm pants….

    moo

  21. John Moltz says:

    I should point out that Apple could also be Jewish.

    And I would love to handle your donations to Apple, Nxxx. Everyone please send me your cash and I’ll spend it all on hookers and booze.

    I mean I’ll send it to Apple.

  22. iBode says:

    So, if Apple is Jewish…

    All Windows users are Neo-Nazis!

  23. Del says:

    Well now that you mention it the Windows symbol does look a little like a Swastika.

  24. CG5Addict says:

    I want a link where you got this info

  25. scared monster says:

    Didn’t I already say that I will sue Jobs for his beard?

    God, a beard.

    SHAVE IT!!

  26. Ace Deuce says:

    Apple is ecumenical. They’ve got Movers and Shakers and Quakers and fakirs.

    Me? I’m an Obscuritan.

  27. Nxxx says:

    If Apple is Roman Catholic, wont the Rosaries and crucifixes scratch neck slung iPods?

  28. iBode says:

    No, no, nxxx.

    The solution:

    http://www.devoted1.com/

    Now they just need a nano one.

  29. KrustAsian says:

    I thought Apple was Born-Again Christian. Or at least Mac-users are the Born-Agains of the computer world, always proselytizing and believeing they’re superior than everyone else… 🙂 🙂

  30. rice eating menace says:

    gee wilakers