26 Oct 05Religious Groups Ship Third-Party Apple Products.

Two product announcements – an audio version of the Bible for the iPod and a Christian version of Dance Dance Revolution – highlight a growing trend of religious products on Apple platforms.

But Christianity isn’t the only religion working on such tie-ins.

According to research conducted by Crazy Apple Rumors Site, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Wicca, Druidism and Satanism all have plans to release products associated with either the Macintosh or the iPod.

Pretty much every religion but Hinduism, practitioners of which, as everyone knows, almost exclusively use Linux. Atheists have attempted to get in on the action, but have been unable to generate any momentum.

But spotlighting this trend are several notable offerings.

A group of Druids has plans to release a clustered group of Mac minis stacked in the shape of Stonehenge. A company in Cleveland founded entirely on the principles of Tibetan animism will release an application for the Mac that allows users to chart their own ecstatic journeys through the heavens.

Assuming it gets out of beta. Several testers have complained about bad trips.

Meanwhile, Satanists are pushing the iPod as the perfect platform for listening to eery chants.

“We don’t have a large collection yet,” said Satanic priest Lance Fauver of Clearwater, Mich. “It’s mostly just me moaning into the microphone.

“I don’t really want to do it,” Fauver admitted. “But… you know… Satan demands it! Satan’s… whew… got a lot of demands. Eeyup.

“Kind of… bossy,” Fauver added, making a quoting gesture with his fingers.

“In fact, I’m kind of wishing I hadn’t sold my soul for that nano. Particularly since it’s now all scratched to hell.

“Scratched to hell. Eeyup. That’s about the size of it.”

Finally, some Zen Buddhists are planning on setting a 12-inch PowerBook in an empty room for 10,000 years.

31 Responses to “Religious Groups Ship Third-Party Apple Products.”

  1. shinydv says:


  2. OverclockedLemon says:

    Yeah, Satan’s a real bastard.

    Frost pist.

  3. Anonymous says:


  4. OverclockedLemon says:

    Wow, first time I’ve missed that one. D’oh.

  5. alex says:

    two things: first, saying “first” is just lame- say something meaningfll or say nothing at all. second, i already get enough of the torah in temple to have it on my ipod.

  6. shinydv says:

    Dude, if I would have said anything else…poof…first is second. And which is more lame saying just first, or being a more wordy first that is actually second?

    I don’t know what I just said

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    A group of renegade ex-Scientologists is adapting the iPod for use as a portable e-meter. This will enable counseling sessions while in elevators, jogging, or even at a rave.

  8. iBode says:

    Completely wrong.

    Missed iBelieve


    The Beatles were Hindu (so that one makes sense)

    Followers of animism would worship dogcows (chanting “Moof! Moof!”)

    Zen Buddhists would buy a certain Creative product.

  9. 2000guitars says:

    uh, Alex, been around here long??

  10. Streetrabbit says:



    Yip Yip Yeehee!

  11. Nxxx says:

    Mac minis piled up to resemble Stonehenge?

    You’ll need Del to construct the tunnels underneath the A 344 road.

    The problem.

    Will the minis still work when blood-soaked from human sacrifice?

    You never thought of that, did you, Moltz?

    Oh you did, and you’ve been testing……………………………

  12. jinzo012 says:

    yo sup.

    I forgot what I was going to type. Really I did, wow that’s weird

    OH I remember!


    Your Mom

    is hot

  13. Beëlzebub says:

    Satanism does _not_ plan to introduce anything iPod! We planned to, but Apple discontinued the black iPod…

  14. That nice Mr. Graham is not a Catholic, but he is a good man and he has met the Pope. I am lead to understand that he and John Paul used to work on the Popemobile together at night in the Vatican’s garage. Benedict just sends it to a mechanic he knows in Rome.

    Any old who, I was glad to see that the Apple gave Mr. Graham his own iPod:


    You know, the convent has been working on Rosary software for the Mac for a year or so. We are concerned, but praying through, the switch to the Intel platform. Novice Theresa is having a dickens of a time with those universal binaries.

  15. dirkstoop says:

    and don’t forget the Shaspod – http://www.shaspod.com

    the entire Daf Yomi in your pocket!

  16. Jay says:

    It should say:

    The buddhists monks plan on setting a 12-inch Powerbook in an empty room for 10,000 years.

    You sit yourself, you set anything else. C’mon CARS, you know better.

  17. Mykie says:

    Where’s the love for the agnostics, dude?

  18. Streetrabbit says:

    Seems that the godPod was prophesied in Genesis.

    “Behold I am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest.” – Genesis 28:15

    They were still coming to grips with the switch from sundial to 24 hour clock.

    “iGod is with you in all that you do.” – Genesis 21:22

    Getting better with the time.

    This has nothing to do with the pod but it’s my favourite, written by Malachi just after 10 past 3.

    “Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse and prove me now herewith saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven and pour you out a blessing that there shall not be room enough to receive it.” – Malachi 3:10-12

    hehe that’s how they spelled titties in the old days.

    I suppose it’s gonna really hurt being torn asunder.

  19. Nxxx says:


    George’s nomination to the Supreme Court has withdrawn. So, once more


    First the Supreme Court, then The White House, then The World.

  20. Huh? says:

    So this friend of mine, Bob Schroedinger, has me house sitting his cat. I wanted to open the box to feed it, but Bob said it wouldn’t matter anyway.

    I don’t get it.


  21. Steve Ballmer says:

    “We have the things that pop every six or nine months, pop every couple of years, pop longer than that” – Steve Ballmer

  22. Anonymous says:

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — (BFD News) Embattled Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers withdrew from the confirmation process. “No, I don’t want to be ‘just friends'” Ms. Miers said slamming the Congressional screen door behind her as she stormed off the porch at the Capital building. She avoided questions and cameras as she hopped into her rusty 1993 Dodge Omni and sped down the gravel driveway.

    President Bush, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “I really hoped this would work out for them. I don’t think there is any getting back together.” Vice President Cheney dabbed a tear from the President’s eye, “She’s tough,” he said, “she’ll bounce back.”

    In related news, the collective sigh of relief from across the nation created a large low pressure zone that has since spawned tropical storm Gamma which is now threatening eastern seaboard.

  23. Sudo Nym says:

    If Apple wants the Satanists’ business, they’re simply going to have to support playing DRM-locked WMA files on the iPod.

  24. Del says:

    Sorry, but my iPod works very well in linux thank you very much!

    You can even get it working the easy way with crossover office. Though their instructions for using the iPod are a little out dated considering most modern linux hot-plug USB without an issue.

  25. “uh, Alex, been around here long??” — 2000guitars

    HAHAHAHAHAH!!! Oh man, he’s *super* pist that he did not get FIRST POST.

    Better luck next time, Al! We can’t always get FIRST POST, but if you try really hard you can get LAST POST on all the comments! Dare to dream!!!

    There is no mention of the Scientology-based products due to it being a gag-religion, like Seventh Day Hopping Adventists or The Sacred Order of Easter Bunny Rapists.

    Sorry about that last one, Streetrabbit.

  26. Hobbs says:

    Hey, I know of at least four Hindus who are using Macs!

  27. Del says:

    I tried one of those Satanic Ipods and all it did was play my songs backwards.

  28. Ace Deuce says:

    Del, are you sure it wasn’t a Jimi Hendrix visitation?

  29. Schrodinger's Cat says:

    Say, Huh?

    I’m either in or out (I’m not sure!) of the Klein bottle that’s inside the box. If I’m alive, I’m starving: Feed me! Feed me! On the other paw, if I’m dead, don’t bother. Just feed me to the python.

  30. Schrodinger's Cat says:

    By the way, my favorite snack is those Mobius chicken strips.

  31. OverclockedLemon says:

    Um, Nxxx? No one leaves the Supreme Court. Not no one, not no how.

    OK, except when they retire.

    Or die.

    Or something.

    Anyway, um, Moltz for Governator or something.