Thanks to Steve Jobs’ megalomaniacal crackdown on Apple leaks, we’ve been unable to bring you any exciting installments of Inside Apple for quite some time. But this transcript comes from a third party software developer who got trapped in a conference room closet and was stuck there for four days, living off of a plate of chocolate chip cookies. During his magical journey of self discovery, he overheard a conversation today amongst Apple’s executive set about how the company will counteract the loss of sales in the coming months.
Shortly before he was freed when he realized the closet door wasn’t locked.
And now, let’s venture… Inside Apple.
JOBS: Looks like we’re all here. Avie, would you shut the door, please?
TEVANIAN: Um… well…
JOBS: Please shut the door.
TEVANIAN: Well, it’s just that…
JOBS: Avie, just… shut the door.
TEVANIAN: Well, Teresa was supposed to be bringing me a smoothie… I’m sure she’ll be here any second.
JOBS: A… smoothie.
TEVANIAN: Yeah, I just… I thought it might be a long meeting and…
OPPENHEIMER: Did you get that… protein mixture?
TEVANIAN: No. Doesn’t that make it taste chalky?
OPPENHEIMER: Oh, no. See, they blend it in really well and it actually…
JOBS: Does anyone here want to talk about how we’re going to make it through the next nine months or do you all want to talk about smoothies?
OPPENHEIMER: That’s one of those questions we’re not supposed to answer, isn’t it? Whattaya call ’em… rhetorical.
TEVANIAN: I’ll just… close the door. Teresa can, um, just leave it outside.
[TEVANIAN CLOSES THE DOOR.]
JOBS: Alright, people, we have a problem. We’re hemorrhaging Mac sales as our customers are deciding to wait for the Intel-based machines. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, we’re losing vital iPod sales to posers.
TAMADDON: How does he talk in links like that?
JOBS: If we lose posers we’re done for. Each successive iPod iteration has been designed specifically for the poser market. So, how are we going to bring posers back into the fold?
SCHILLER: Uh, well, does anyone know any posers?
SCHILLER: Oh, come on. Someone here has got to know some posers.
JOHNSON: [STARTLED SUDDENLY OUT OF A DEEP SLEEP] Bacon! Wha… huh? What?
RUBINSTEIN: I know this poser named Ned!
COOK: No, no, no. “Ned” is not the name of a poser. What you got there is a poser poser.
RUBINSTEIN: Uh, well, I think his real name might be Nedry.
JOBS: Well… when can you get him in here?
RUBINSTEIN: Um, Friday? I think he does hot yoga on Thursdays. Maybe pilates.
JOBS: OK, well, let’s make sure we get into this guy’s mind. Find out what makes a poser tick.
TEVANIAN: Um… isn’t it a smug sense of superiority over others?
JOBS: Uh… well… sure, but… uh… Hmm.
SCHILLER: Well, let’s just ask him some questions and see if there are any specifics.
[JOBS LOOKS UNCHARACTERISTICALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.]
COOK: OK! Thanks, everyone. Let’s get back to work.
[THE EXECUTIVES GET UP TO LEAVE. TEVANIAN IS THE FIRST OUT THE DOOR.]
TEVANIAN: Ah, crap.
TEVANIAN: I kicked over my smoothie.
OPPENHEIMER: [LOOKING DOWN AT THE SLOWLY SPREADING SMOOTHIE LIQUID] Tropical Temptation?
TEVANIAN: Nummy Nectar.
[OPPENHEIMER SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY.]