09 Nov 05Inside Apple.


Thanks to Steve Jobs’ megalomaniacal crackdown on Apple leaks, we’ve been unable to bring you any exciting installments of Inside Apple for quite some time. But this transcript comes from a third party software developer who got trapped in a conference room closet and was stuck there for four days, living off of a plate of chocolate chip cookies. During his magical journey of self discovery, he overheard a conversation today amongst Apple’s executive set about how the company will counteract the loss of sales in the coming months.

Shortly before he was freed when he realized the closet door wasn’t locked.

And now, let’s venture… Inside Apple.


JOBS: Looks like we’re all here. Avie, would you shut the door, please?

TEVANIAN: Um… well…

JOBS: Please shut the door.

TEVANIAN: Well, it’s just that…

JOBS: Avie, just… shut the door.

SCHILLER: Avie…

TEVANIAN: Well, Teresa was supposed to be bringing me a smoothie… I’m sure she’ll be here any second.

JOBS: A… smoothie.

TEVANIAN: Yeah, I just… I thought it might be a long meeting and…

OPPENHEIMER: Did you get that… protein mixture?

TEVANIAN: No. Doesn’t that make it taste chalky?

OPPENHEIMER: Oh, no. See, they blend it in really well and it actually…

JOBS: Does anyone here want to talk about how we’re going to make it through the next nine months or do you all want to talk about smoothies?

OPPENHEIMER: That’s one of those questions we’re not supposed to answer, isn’t it? Whattaya call ’em… rhetorical.

TEVANIAN: I’ll just… close the door. Teresa can, um, just leave it outside.

[TEVANIAN CLOSES THE DOOR.]

JOBS: Alright, people, we have a problem. We’re hemorrhaging Mac sales as our customers are deciding to wait for the Intel-based machines. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, we’re losing vital iPod sales to posers.

TAMADDON: How does he talk in links like that?

SERLET: Shhh.

JOBS: If we lose posers we’re done for. Each successive iPod iteration has been designed specifically for the poser market. So, how are we going to bring posers back into the fold?

SCHILLER: Uh, well, does anyone know any posers?

[SILENCE.]

SCHILLER: Oh, come on. Someone here has got to know some posers.

[SILENCE.]

RUBINSTEIN: Ned!

SCHILLER: What?

JOBS: What?

COOK: Huh?

JOHNSON: [STARTLED SUDDENLY OUT OF A DEEP SLEEP] Bacon! Wha… huh? What?

RUBINSTEIN: I know this poser named Ned!

COOK: No, no, no. “Ned” is not the name of a poser. What you got there is a poser poser.

RUBINSTEIN: Uh, well, I think his real name might be Nedry.

SCHILLER: Hmm.

JOBS: Hmm.

TEVANIAN: Hmm.

COOK: Maybe…

JOBS: Well… when can you get him in here?

RUBINSTEIN: Um, Friday? I think he does hot yoga on Thursdays. Maybe pilates.

JOBS: OK, well, let’s make sure we get into this guy’s mind. Find out what makes a poser tick.

TEVANIAN: Um… isn’t it a smug sense of superiority over others?

JOBS: Uh… well… sure, but… uh… Hmm.

SCHILLER: Well, let’s just ask him some questions and see if there are any specifics.

[JOBS LOOKS UNCHARACTERISTICALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.]

COOK: OK! Thanks, everyone. Let’s get back to work.

[THE EXECUTIVES GET UP TO LEAVE. TEVANIAN IS THE FIRST OUT THE DOOR.]

TEVANIAN: Ah, crap.

COOK: What?

TEVANIAN: I kicked over my smoothie.

COOK: Oooh…

OPPENHEIMER: [LOOKING DOWN AT THE SLOWLY SPREADING SMOOTHIE LIQUID] Tropical Temptation?

TEVANIAN: Nummy Nectar.

[OPPENHEIMER SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY.]

34 Responses to “Inside Apple.”

  1. Me says:

    First Post!

  2. d00d says:

    wtf? top 3?? me???

  3. Seth says:

    Third, and I kicked over my beer, trying to be first.

  4. Me!!! says:

    I think the door could have stayed open longer…

  5. U. D. Mann says:

    Seventh heaven

  6. DoomTime says:

    Finally!!! TOP 10!! I have dreamed of this day for years.

  7. Poser says:

    Sorry, this is my last comment here. Crazy Apple Rumors Site just isn’t cool anymore. I’m gonna go hang out at Crazy Sony Blatant Fabrications Site.

    It’s the place.

    This week anyway, so far.

  8. Ace Deuce says:

    Dang!

    I wanted eleventh.

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    Dang!

    I wanted tenth.

  10. Mom says:

    You all go to bed right now

  11. Nxxx says:

    Moltz you are slipping. What we CARS readers really want to know is Apple’s secret recipe for removing smoothie stains from carpets, as I’d like to return to the original decor.

  12. androgen says:

    You guys are all a bunch of posers for posting on this message board. Of course, once everyone posts first it will no longer be “cool” anymore and we will have to go back to AtAT and hope Jack gives us something to push.

  13. Huh? says:

    My pants are not posers.

    I, however…

    nevermind….

    moo

  14. one man and his mac says:

    hold on. there’s this guy stuck inside the cupboard, but he can see everything going on, including steve’s expressions.

    so, is the real story here that there’s a guy who can see through doors? or was there just a really large keyhole? or am i just being a little bit pedantic?

    (i vote for the third one)

  15. Dexter Span says:

    Do posers wear spandex?

  16. Ahnyer Keester says:

    The answer is simple. Price bump. Price the iPod higher so fewer people can afford it and then those who CAN afford it will feel more comfortable becasue they are in a class by themselves once again while at the same time making the people in the lower classes WISH they could afford on because the higher class people whom they admire and watch on TV all have one and they don’t.

    The down side is that fewer people will be able to afford one which means fewer people will buy one but that is what the posers are after. So you keep the posers and decrease sales.

    Works all around.

    They way to get the smoothie out of the carpet is to let the software developer out of the closet and point him at it. He’s been in there for four days with only cookies, the smoothie will go down nicely.

  17. Um, well, I kinda guessed about the facial expressions. Besides, those were some bitchin’ cookies. Who knew vegan could taste so good?

    And Avie? Total poser.

  18. William Feldhusen says:

    Last.

  19. rogerque says:

    What? No fair! I wanna be last. And I wanna learn how to speak with links. Would be handy for picking up girls at bloggers meetings.

  20. R says:

    ROTFL

    TEVANIAN: Nummy Nectar.

    [OPPENHEIMER SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY.]

  21. 2ubesock Shakur says:

    First post!

  22. I’m sorry, but first post has been successfully called. How about 11th post? That’s always a crowd pleaser, but then so is a gang bang porn starlet.

  23. Streetrabbit says:

    I’d be more inclined to switch to another brand because of 2 dead hdd and 2 dead batteries…oh and Jennifer fricking Connelly.

  24. iBode says:

    Did anyone else have horrible visions of “Poser Mobile” commercials run through their head?

  25. Is that like the Popemobile? We have never heard of anyone’s head being run over by the Popemobile.

  26. The Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER!

    POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER!

    POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER!

    POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER! POSER!

  27. Sudo Nym says:

    I say you ain’t a real poser unless you spell it “poseur.”

  28. Will Feldhusen says:

    Am I last now?

  29. Will Feldhusen says:

    Thank you. Ha!

  30. wonderer says:

    Just wondering what numbskulls post at a place like this. Yoo guys are weerd!