Apple release Broadband Tuner 1.0 today, which the company claims will “tweak some system parameters” to improve broadband performance.
What the company doesn’t say is that this set of patches actually does not carry out any performance tuning but simply plugs a hole the company has been exploiting in its own software that adversely affected throughput.
According to sources within the OS X group, Apple has been running its own SETI@Home-style distributed computing projects using the spare CPU cycles of its customers’ Macs and the data traffic carried out by these projects has been needlessly sapping bandwidth.
Sources claim that Apple had surreptitiously been using the computers of its customers to calculate:
- The number of calories CEO Steve Jobs would need to burn if he were to roll in a pile of $1 bills representing all the money the company has made off of the iPod line long enough to touch each one at least once.
- How many beautiful babes Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer could “make it with” if he were “available”.
- How much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
- Some totally bitching 3-D renderings of some bad-assed starships with phasers and photon torpedoes and shit that Senior Vice President of the iPod division Jon Rubinstein designed in his spare time with some buddies using some tracing paper and the Star Trek Technical Manual in his parent’s basement.
- How many beautiful babes Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer could “make it with” if he were “available” (Monte Carlo simulation).
- The value of pi to the last digit. Not because they gave a damn, just because they could.
While it has now terminated these calculations, Apple has refused to respond to these charges officially.
However, CFO Peter Oppenheimer has indicated that he is not currently considering any changes in his personal life given certain data that has recently been presented to him.
Although he would have been interested in seeing the results of the Monte Carlo simulation.