The Apple world was shocked yet again today when a combination of economic, sociological and biological data indicated that Apple makes all of its profits from the sale of technological devices that you don’t really need.
According to a Wall Street firm that is bullish on Apple, the company is currently enjoying above market growth.
But according to experts, none of the company’s products directly fulfill the basic needs of human existence.
“You can, in fact, continue to live without purchasing any Apple product,” said anthro-biologist Clint Rierson of the University of Illinois. “I know that to some it may seem a dark, dreary existence, but putting away technological devices for a while may make you appreciate some of the simpler things in life.
“Like… um… well, there’s… uh… um… er… uh… liquor? I actually don’t know.
“Maybe you could just Google ‘simpler things in life’ before you put the iBook away.”
Some Apple customers are still struggling with this revelation.
“I just realized the other day that I totally didn’t need that iPod I bought last month,” said Apple customer Evan Sao. “First of all, it’s my second iPod. I have a 20 GB iPod and I just wanted a nano.
“They’re so boss,” Sao said, gently caressing his iPod nano, so as not to scratch it.
“I’m thinking of getting another.”
Looking up suddenly, Sao asked “What the hell is the matter with me?”
Apple, however, denied the assertion that its products are anything but essential to human existence.
“Evan is mistaken,” a straight-faced Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller said. “He totally did need that extra iPod. He may be confused because ‘did’ and ‘didn’t’ sound somewhat similar. They’re actually antonyms, however.
“We advise Apple customers that if they want to stay healthy and alive, they’ll check out the great values at our Holiday Wish List section.”
Schiller went on to claim that Mac minis are used by certain indigenous peoples to create shelters and that, in a pinch, users can survive on one Final Cut Pro DVD for days, if properly rationed.
Despite Apple’s denial, much of this revelation seems incontrovertible. But there is a silver lining. While an iPod or a Mac may not actually satisfy the basic physical needs of human existence, there is ample evidence to conclude that they do fulfill many of the spiritual needs.