01 Dec 05Apple 10-K Reveals Company Was Attacked By Giant Ants.


While numerous Mac news sites reported on Apple’s 10-K filing with the SEC today, none dug deep enough into the details to reveal an interesting tidbit about the company’s fiscal year ended September 31st.

According to the filing, the company was attacked by a horde of giant ants some time during the second quarter. Several employees lost their lives, including one who was tragically just days away from retirement. His fellow employees swore vengeance against the ants and routed them from the campus, but not before everyone learned something about themselves.

The entire incident would have gone unnoticed if the company had not claimed a little-known tax exemption set up in the 1950s specifically for companies that suffered an attack by giant ants.

“They were a lot more prevalent back then,” said IRS spokesperson Nell Peterson.

Apple was stoic about the incident.

“We don’t like to make a big deal out of it,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller. “We were attacked by giant ants.”

Schiller shrugged. “Eh. It happens. Whaddaya gonna do?”

Chief Technologist Avie Tevanian also took the attack in stride.

“Oh!” Tevanian said, when reminded. “The giant ant thing. Heh-heh. Yeah… that was funny.”

Some sources at the company claim that it was also attacked by giant bees, but it garnered even less interest as there is no tax exemption for such an attack.

37 Responses to “Apple 10-K Reveals Company Was Attacked By Giant Ants.”

  1. Oy says:

    Hmm ants. First

  2. appleswitch says:

    Secondd!!!

    source.bungie.org

  3. Jon says:

    Single digit-th!

  4. Sudo Nym says:

    Microsoft is outraged. The company has been bedeviled by giant bugs for years, but there are no special tax exemptions available.

  5. Bandar the Invinsible says:

    A nest in every windoze PC…

    Who knew?

    Everyone.

  6. Evil Monkey says:

    Hmmm. Ants… Delicious…

    7th.

  7. Nxxx says:

    No sympathy Apple. What do you expect if you insist on playing Burl Ives and ‘Ugly bug ball’ incessantly?

  8. 2000guitars says:

    Huh! My ants got excited about this story!

    uh, pants

  9. 2000guitars says:

    Ever notice how there’s always a big lag of time after around the 7th or 8th posts? No one wants to be the one to set up for…

  10. GingerSex says:

    11

  11. GingerSex says:

    A Hundred Thousand thank yous to 2000guitars for the set up.

  12. 2000guitars says:

    Ah, no thanks needed. Except, maybe, an explanation of your moniker…

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    Under doctors orders, I’ve tried to stay away from CARS.

    Then you go and bring out a giant ant story. Now I’m right back to square one.

    Thanks a bunch.

  14. Will Feldhusen says:

    I was attacked by those giant ants. And no one gave me tax breaks.

  15. Garnack says:

    If Phil would quit leaving the top off the suger in the breakroom, Apple wouldn’t have ant problems. Steve’s told him time and time again, “Phil, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a billion times, you’ve got to put the top back on the suger or this place will be crawling with ants.”. Now who’s saying, “I told you so!”.

  16. “His fellow employees swore vengeance against the ants and routed them from the campus, but not before everyone learned something about themselves.” THAT, my friends, is funny!

    First. Just because I said so. Well, the first post I’ve posted anyway.

    I think the giant ants are evidence that Apple is playing carelessly with nuclear materials.

  17. Chronology Man says:

    This story would be believable, except …….

    There is no Sept. 31.

  18. Rich says:

    Bonus–if they were chocolate-covered ants, they’d make a great dessert item for the cafeteria.

  19. Ace Deuce says:

    Really it’s the giant elves I’m worried about. Giant elves with hammers…

  20. Del says:

    Luckily Apple had enough iFlames to drive the ants away.

  21. Huh? says:

    That’s true Del. I, and my pants, were lucky enough to be nearby and watched the carnage.

    BTW- Did you know grilled Giant Ant tastes just like chicken?

    Giant Aunt…. not so much.

    moo

  22. blank says:

    I heard that Apple brought in a horde of giant grasshoppers to rout the ant invasion. Then I think they had to call in Peter Graves to get rid of the grasshoppers–or maybe it was Chad Everett. It’s hard to recall exactly. Those tough-guy types all look the same to me.

  23. Andre the Giant says:

    I have several giant aunts. They’ve never attacked any large businesses as far as I know.

  24. Del says:

    It was Peter Graves, I have the MST3k version of that one on DVD.

  25. General Specialist says:

    Your “artist’s conception” is highly misleading. The giant ants did not attack the Infinite Loop building. Instead, they marched down Bandley Drive and damaged the fitness center.

    Also, they were those big red fire giant ants, not those tiny black giant ants.

  26. I’ve got every episode of MST3K on tape and almost half are now on DVD. It’s hard to know which ones to make into DVDs from tape, since Rhino is pretty good about getting the stuff out there. Just need to pick up Vol. 7 and figure out which of the single DVDs I’m missing. This includes a DVD of “The Amazing Colossal Man”, which I luckily purchased before that tape became almost unavailable.

    Hey, didn’t Apple already fend off an Alien Invasion recently? Though times for Cupertino.

  27. Oh, I also wanted to yell out:

    “BA-BA-BA-BA BA-BA-BA-BA-BA KEEP YOUR EYES UPON THE MASTER NINJA THEME SONG!!!!”

    That’ll do.

  28. blank says:

    At this point I guess we should all “sing the praises of pants!”

    “Nothing else can show my taste like what I wear below my waist!

    “Pants! Pants!”

    Okay, I think I’m done now…

  29. Anyone else notice the change in the automated Google ads?

    “Get Rid of Ants Now.

    Natural ant bait to get rid of ants Fast & easy ant killer that works.”

    hehehe

  30. 2000guitars says:

    Mine says “Alaska Pest Control. Save $30 on Pest Control and Receive a Free Inspection!”

    It’s the inspection I’m worried about…

  31. Fire Ants

    Proven Fire Ant Killer

    Kill Carpenter Ants

    These 3 ads are showing up here. Jeez! You think the people at Apple would notice such ads and take action on the situation by contacting one of them a.s.a.p. But then again, maybe no one wanted to use their credit card online for the purchase.

    32nd……if anyone cares. I know you do. You soooo do.

  32. That's Funny says:

    Solutions for Home & Business. Free Onsite Inspection and Estimate.

    Why is every other word capitalized?

  33. Guest says:

    A challenge for Moltz: write an article that achieves a Google Ad for a sexual device, preferably a Sexbot.

  34. The Invisible Evil Exterminators' Choir says:

    RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID!

    RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID!

    RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID!

    RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID! RAID!

  35. Holy urinal cakes, thats the answer right there! No, not urinal cakes. Raid spray. They coulda just sprayed Raid all over the building. But since the ants were also attacking the campus outside, they should also consider on sprayin the outside building with the garden hose, replacing water with Raid, JUST for the time being….and hope that no employees drink from the tap. But just to be safe, they should spray the urinal cakes too.

    Yeeahh.

  36. Matt says:

    Wow… first Mighty Mice, now Giant Ants! Apple’s got a BIG pest problem!