02 Dec 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


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Sadly, we were too busy today to put together a Help Desk, so this Help Desk is a do-it-yourself. Please provide your own questions and answers (separately, please – do not answer your own questions, that’s just bullshit) in the comments.

We apologize for the inconvenience but, frankly, we’re getting a little tired of having to do everything around here. You slackers need to pull your weight.

72 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. BZ says:

    iBode, Is you iBook running on a filtered internet connection? You see, the iBook must automatically download approx. 500MB of porn each day in order to maintain it’s coolness factor, If it is unable to do this over the internet it will try to find the material in other ways. I recomend you manually download atleast 5GB of porn to make up for the deficit

  2. MCJE says:

    Q: I plugged in the DSL box. I clicked on the airplane. Am I online?

    (I wish I made that up)

  3. Jiggles says:

    Actually PowerMac G5’s age 1 year for every month you own them. Therefore your G5 is 24 years old and only just now asking where babies come from. I believe your PowerMac may be socially retarded.

  4. Uncle Buck says:

    Answer for this

    Question: As of lately, my powerbook (hooked up to OC1) which is an intel 10.4ghz, ate my nose; how do I get my nose back?!

    It really didn’t take your nose. Your powerbook just put it’s thumb between two fingers and said it was your nose. It will pretend to put it back and then you both laugh together, and then you say “Again, again, again!”

  5. Uncle Buck says:

    Answer for this

    Question:

    I have a PowerBook G4 that always lays next to me in bed, lately it’s been farting, and I don’t know what to do. Ilove it, but….the farting is just, out of control. help.

    Try scented candles.

  6. Anonymous says:

    You may want to stop feeding your Powerbook so much fiber.

  7. Del says:

    Q. As an Apple Beta Tester I often get to try out Apple products long before they hit the market. The problem is after the sexbots, hmPod, wireless pudding, and Intel based sexbots what do I have left to look forward to? The Model T sized iPod was fun for a while, but now it is just a pain. Really even my iFlame and iFlame Nano doesn’t keep me entertained any longer.

    What do I have to look forward to.

  8. Les says:

    How can I get harder, longer-lasting erections?

  9. Richard LaVere says:

    Q: Why is there an ad for “Flying Ants” on the sidebar?

  10. Batman says:

    Q: Who would win in a fight between Superman and the Entity?

  11. I’m only going to answer questions:

    yes.

    yes.

    no.

    terrible!

    yes.

    yohimbe.

    no.

    Entity, of course.

  12. Gary says:

    Answer: The ant ads are because of the last post about giant ants at Apple.

    Question: What ads would google come up with for these comments?

  13. mike says:

    A: Sexbot google ads!

    Q: My computer exploded after I gave it orange juice, would it hurt to use it as a paperweight?

  14. Del says:

    Q: If you have Multiple Personalities can you answer your own questions?

  15. Del the Pirate says:

    A: Aye Me Lassie ye may answer yer own question if ye be crazy. Arrrgh I think ye be crazy enough for all o’ us.

    Now where be my grog, eh?

  16. J. M. says:

    It’s just like the Garden of Eden. There was only one ruleĀ—ONE RULE!

    “please – do not answer your own questions, that’s just bullshit”

    But noooooo! Someone has to go and spoil it. I’ll be the one weeping in the corner.

  17. Q: What’s the weather like in India this week?

    I need to go over and woo the next crop of Microsoft employees. I’m bringing bottles of pure beef chutney as gifts. I think that’ll go over well.

  18. Psyko says:

    Q. Is Moltz getting lazy?

    A. Do I really need to answer that?

    ___________________________________________

    Q. Are you going to answer me?

    A. You can’t be serious, there is no way you need me to answer that for you.

    ___________________________________________

    Q. Come on PLEAAAASE answer me!

    A. ALRIGHT!!! YES, he IS getting REALLY REALLY lazy.

    MARK

  19. J. Random Slaker says:

    Q: My computer exploded after I gave it orange juice, would it hurt to use it as a paperweight?

    Yes. It would hurt a lot. It is nice to see people finally looking out for the interests of paper. Please Please Please stop pinning their flimsy helpless bodies under so-called “paper weights”. More like “paper oppressors” or the “PAPER MAN”.

    If you must oppress our compressed woodpulp friends in this manner, at least wait for the shrapnel to cool.

  20. BurleyHurley(Liz) says:

    Q. I already have an Apple, a G4 Powow-mac. If a get another will I have a Pear?

  21. alejandro Jose Correa says:

    Lately my eMac’s Superdrive opnes and closes and i can’t concentrate on my homework… then when i go away it stops, when i try to do something, it starts doing it again… aaaah my eMac hates me…. should I glue the thing into place?

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