05 Dec 05Apple Launches iPod Site For Idiots.


Despite the renowned ease of use of both the iPod and the iTunes application, Apple today launched a web site – iPod 101 – specifically designed for its customers who are idiots. The site goes into excruciating detail, explaining such mind-boggling concepts as “the scroll wheel” and “buttons.”

“Our research indicated that many of our customers are so intensely stupid that they could not master even the simplest of applications,” said Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller.

“Or even the simplest of fractions,” Schiller added.

“Or even, in a few cases, graham crackers.”

Internally the iPod 101 project was known as “iPod Short Bus.”

Apple sources indicate that the site is the first of a series of rudimentary guides designed for “the slower students in the class.” Upcoming guides include:

  • The mouse – despite what you might think, it doesn’t go in your pants.
  • Sticking your tongue in USB ports – a best practices guide.
  • So, you’ve gotten your head jammed inside your G5 again…
  • Seriously, get the mouse out of your pants.

While many in the Apple community took umbrage at the company’s condescending attitude toward its customers, some were pleased.

“I like beans!” said Mac user Eugene Budd, happily banging his fist on the keyboard of his iMac, his face covered in a smear of baked beans and the cord of his Mighty Mouse protruding from his pants.

Budd declined, however, to elaborate.

31 Responses to “Apple Launches iPod Site For Idiots.”

  1. hermit says:

    First post! And read it! And reloaded it! And had jam on it!

  2. hermit says:

    Might I also suggest that the iPod is not a substitute for a mouse to be put in your pants…

  3. TwoHeadedBoy says:

    You can’t give something as phallic a name as the “Mighty Mouse” and not expect them to stick it in their pants.

  4. Budd says:

    Well if it desn’t go in my pants than what the hell AM I supposed to do with it!?

  5. stridey says:

    Mmmm… beans…

  6. Nxxx says:

    Only one question needs to be answered, Is CARS the Alpha version of 101?

  7. Sudo Nym says:

    This new Apple site is an insult to all us smart people. I demand an Ipod 102 site for advanced users such as myself.

  8. fatbo says:

    uh. ninth.

  9. GingerSex says:

    10th

    With my short ginger hair i look like a baked bean.

    Oh, and setting up for…

  10. Slowpoke says:

    In retrospect, I could have probably thought of something wittier considering this is my first time as number 11. But I was excited and nervous that at that same moment, someone somewhere was seconds away from usurping me. Then of course there was the agonizing wait to see if I really was eleventh and not twelth claiming to be eleventh. That would have been unbearable. But, there it is, number eleven, my first time, and it was everything I could have imagined. So thanks to the mercurial GingerSex, and to the mercurial CARS site. Of course, how could I forget the mercurial Steve Jobs without whom this place, and my position would not exist. Thanks also to my mecurial parents, I owe you mercurial. Mercurial God mercurial. mercurial mercurial mercurial mercurial. Thankmercurial.

  11. Aimon says:

    hmmm…… I wonder if they’ll support legacy users. Because ummm….. i really need some help getting my head out of this G3 iMac

  12. Tom Richardson says:

    I sometimes think that you do on this site is easy, and that I would be just as capable of writing such funny stuff. Then I sober up.

    Writing is getting better, funnier, yet somehow increasingly more connected to real events (the ants really did invade!)

  13. GingerSex says:

    Congratulations Slowpoke on your first — of hopefully many — eleventh post. How very observant of you to notice my mercurial nature. I am indeed of the planet Mercury were Sex is always Ginger.

  14. Will Feldhusen says:

    How do you get a G5 out of your pants?

    I like jelly and beans.

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    “iPod Anatomy” was very disappointing. Not a single reference to genitals.

  16. Huh? says:

    Mice do nothing for my pants. Now a nice, warm powerbook….

    Ooooooo…

    How about a Quad core G5.

    OOOOOOoooooooooo…

    *realizes a need for a tissue and a life*

    Um…. yeah.

    My pants REALLY need a hobby.

    moo

  17. Del says:

    My iPod is Sad (or Alarmed): Introduction

    Geez did you buy it chocolate that always cheers my iPod up and maybe it wouldn’t be so alarmed if you took it out of your pants and no there is no vibrate mode on the iPod so stop looking.

    Lesson 3: iPod Insanity

    I’m sorry but the proper term is iPod Mental Illness. We need to be politically correct here or else you make the iPod sad when you call it crazy. I had an iPod that had a psychotic break and it thought it was a toaster. I regretted getting it fixed because it really did make the best toast. You know I like music and all but really I can get music anywhere. Do you know how hard it is to get a good piece of toast?

  18. Yerameyahu says:

    “How do you get a G5 INTO your pants?” is a better question.

    Seriously, anyone? I’m low on cash, but I have my needs. I figure I can just walk out of there with that sweet 50 pounds of solid metal bliss… they’ll never be the wiser.

  19. Simon "Chucklehead" Simpleton says:

    If I take the class, will they stop calling me “Stupidiot” or “Chucklehead”?

    Some people think I’m intellectually challenged just because I go slower than they do.

    The truth is, I’m planning a dinner party, counting pebbles, and warding off demons all at the same time. So sometimes I may seem distracted or confused.

  20. Ace Deuce says:

    Apple risks losing the loyalty of the cognoscenti if it continues to coddle the neophytes and Luddites. If anybody and her grandma can operate a sophisticated computer easily, then how are we to feel that we are special?.

    By the way, the mice go in the pockets, the keyboard in the pants.

  21. 2000guitars says:

    Three cheers for another pants related article!!!

    Hip Hip Hooray

    Hip Hip Hooray

    Hip Hidkfj;aidfj (inserts keyboard into pants)

  22. Ahnyer Keester says:

    So you mean the iPod socks are not for…

    Aw, crap. What’s the URL for that website?

    Umpteenthsies for me.

  23. Ahnyer Keester says:

    BTW, has there ever been a 111th? Like in a mega-post or giga-post? I’m too lazy to look and I get confused when I count above 20.

  24. Del says:

    The Giga-Post is at 901 as of this typing and the Mega-Post was at 3821 when it was shut down.

  25. Del says:

    The Giga-Post is at 901 as of this typing and the Mega-Post was at 3821 when it was shut down.

  26. Steve Jobs says:

    Subject: Mouse In Pants

    Hmmm…why do you think I inside on a one-button mouse? Well, come to think of it, three buttons might be good – if you’re a guy.

    Moof!

  27. one man and his mac says:

    Oh my. I just had a look at the 101 site. It genuinely is designed for idiots. On http://www.apple.com/support/ipod101/help/3/ , there is a picture of iPods which can’t find their system folder or whatever, with the caption:

    “If you see one of these icons on your iPod (obviously, not on iPod shuffle), use the steps below to banish it.”

    If only there were a CARS 101, eh? “So, you died of starvation trying to read the Mega-Post again..”

  28. Zweistein says:

    Obviously they have forgotten Einstein’s simple instructions, “Make it as simple as possible, but not too simple.”

  29. Drew Thaler says:

    The iPod Short Bus site really confused me because none of the images on that site look like my iPod. So… uh, I like have one of those iPods with four buttons across the top. It’s black-and-white, and I’m pretty sure it’s the kind without Bono. Where is it on this page?

    http://www.apple.com/support/ipod101/anatomy/1/

    I can’t seem to buy accessories for my iPod any more either — all the ‘skins’ don’t fit, and if you jam them on it covers up the four buttons. Which I think are probably kind of important.

    Did I somehow buy a fake iPod? I forget the name of the place where I got it, but I do remember it had a picture of yummy fruit with a bite out of it.

    Maybe I’ll go in there and tell them they ripped me off, and see if they’ll trade it for a REAL one — the kind that I can see on the Short Bus site, and one that they actually sell accessories for.