Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.




Sadly, we were too busy today to put together a Help Desk, so this Help Desk is a do-it-yourself. Please provide your own questions and answers (separately, please – do not answer your own questions, that’s just bullshit) in the comments.

We apologize for the inconvenience but, frankly, we’re getting a little tired of having to do everything around here. You slackers need to pull your weight.

72 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Answer to first question:

    Potatoes can be baked rather well at 14ºF.

    Second Question:

    I am a piece of cheese, of the swiss variety; apparently I illegitimately used a 128(k), so can I use an intel based powerbook?

  2. Question:

    I’ve been running my Apple II for 23 years now without shutting it off. Lately, its been making funny noises and bursting into flames at times. My Zip disk wont go in the drive, what should I do?

  3. Sir,

    Your total abrogation of a decent work ethic reminds me of the time in 1873, when the regiment was on North West Frontier duty. The Adjutant spilt ink on the Orders of the Day, failed to do his duty and rewrite them and the Company Sergeant Major did not post them. I had them charged with Gross Dereliction of Duty and General Slovenliness. After due consideration, I had them taken out and shot.

    Mr. Moltz, a similar outcome would be a just solution for your lassitude

    Disgusted Col Retd.

  4. Poo, your Apple II is just fine, but you need to dust it from time to time. The excessive dust buildup is burning off.

    As to the zip disk, you probably need to demagnatize the discs. After using them so much, they probably have too much flux residue. Just put em on a big magnet for a few minutes. They’ll work fine after that.

    At least that’s what my pants say.


  5. Question:

    I have a PowerBook G4 that always lays next to me in bed, lately it’s been farting, and I don’t know what to do. Ilove it, but….the farting is just, out of control. help.

  6. Update QuickTime. You are probably using the original 7.0 release. 7.0.x will take care of that… problem.


  7. poo, I must disagree with the previous answer to your question. Your problem is that your current version of Applesoft BASIC has expired. Your best course of action is to set up an internet connection on the thing (I say go all-out and hook up a T3 line) and find a more recent version online. You’ll first need a web browser which can parse modern HTML, which you will probably need to write yourself. Once you download this file and figure out how to flash the ROM, your bursting-into-flames problem should be solved. Of course, if you are performing processor-intensive tasks on a computer as powerful as the Apple II, you may need to invest in a liquid cooling system.

    As for the zip disk, you’re just not using enough force. I personally use a sledgehammer attached to a high-powered rocket engine, but I’m using a Lisa so I’m not sure if this method is compatible with the Apple II.

  8. My left ear is bigger than my right and everytime I eat whale meat I come out in hives. Am I a bad person if I feel embarrassed about my ears but not guilty about the whales?

  9. I’ve waited and waited and am getting impatient. When is Apple finally going to release the sexbots? Will they cost more than an iPod nano? Will they scratch easily in my pocket? Hmmm… in my pocket…

  10. ANSWER:

    If hypothetical questions didn’t exist, the above question would never have been asked… consequently, Apple, Inc. would be just like it is now. But, if we are allowing a hypothetical lack of hypothetical questions but assuming the possibility of their existence, Apple, Inc., would be a boring company that produces computers, iPods, and wonderful operatings systems.

  11. Question: As of lately, my powerbook (hooked up to OC1) which is an intel 10.4ghz, ate my nose; how do I get my nose back?!

  12. The Slakers were a group of men and women who sought spiritual uplift through the preparaton of fine, hand-crafted beverages. They were similar in some ways to the Quakers, who sought similar benefits from oatmeal.

  13. Q:

    What about the heat-death of the universe? When entropy has run its course and there is no potential energy remaining anywhere so no work can be done, can I win a lawsuit against Apple because my computer won’t boot?

  14. What about the heat-death of the universe? When entropy has run its course and there is no potential energy remaining anywhere so no work can be done, can I win a lawsuit against Apple because my computer won’t boot?

    You’d have to erg the Court to adopt your position.

  15. Q: I love my iBook, but lately it’s been misbehaving.

    I often bring it to school to do homework I was too lazy to do the night before. I’ll pull it out before school, sometimes in classes.

    Lately, though, I noticed something. It seems to be looking at the girls at school. Not just looking as in having your eyes open and seeing the world, but actually -looking-. Now, I’ve scolded him before, but he won’t stop.

    I don’t even know how he’s doing it. I don’t have an iSight.


  16. Q: Ok I have a MAJOR problem. My PowerMac G5 lately keeps asking me where do babies come from. What should I do?! What do I say?! Next time it asks that, can I do the shifty eye thing and pull the power cord and run away as fast as possible?

  17. A: Take your PowerMac G5 to the Babyland General Hospital in Cleveland, Georgia. That should scare it sufficiently so that it never bothers you again with uncomfortable queries.

  18. Babyland General Hospital might be all right for the rest of you, but not for our beloved Colonel.

    Babyland Colonel Hospital would be okay.

  19. A: there are NO colonels in babyland, in babyland colonels are majors. Therefore, there are no hospitals for them.

    I hope I have answered your question to your statisfaction.

  20. Any help with the iBook?

    It’s progressed to the stage where if I’m sitting with it and not paying attention, I’ll explicably move about a foot closer to a girl before I notice anything.

    Which gets very awkward if I was closer than a foot to start with.

    (see earlier post for full question)

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