06 Dec 05IN XANADU DID KUBLAI KHAN A STATELY PLEASURE-CUBE DECREE.


According to published reports, Apple CEO Steve Jobs negotiated to keep a 32-foot glass cube – that Jobs designed himself to be the centerpiece of a sprawling New York City Apple Store – after the store’s lease expires in twenty years.

But the cube is but one of the many features of Jobs’ masterpiece.

According to sources, the mercurial CEO is determined to make this Apple Store a testament to his lasting impact on Apple and the world.

“This Apple Store shall be as the pyramids of old were unto the Pharaohs,” said a source who spoke in the condition of anonymity. “Steve has secured his immortality through the construction of such a marvel.

“Um, well, at least for the next twenty years.”

According to sources, Jobs is being a difficult task master as usual.

Surveying the work already done, Jobs was reported to have peered into a pit running the perimeter of the store and muttered “Hmm. Needs more scorpions.”

But the pit full of scorpions and shards of glass is not the only thing that has drawn Jobs’ ire.

“You call that a minaret?” Jobs reportedly asked. “That’s not a minaret. I want a minaret that’s so big it’ll make your head explode. Now get me my god damn minaret!

Jobs has further decreed that anyone involved in the construction of the store will be executed shortly after it is completed, to ensure that nothing of its kind will ever be built again. As this violates several union regulations, Jobs personally negotiated a special deal with the unions involved.

“I don’t know why we agreed to it,” said Local 425 representative Frank Zamudio. “We’re gonna lose some pretty good guys because of this. But that Steve Jobs is a pretty persuasive fella.”

The store is expected to open in the spring, assuming subcontractors can supply 4,000 cherubs in black turtlenecks and jeans in time.

24 Responses to “IN XANADU DID KUBLAI KHAN A STATELY PLEASURE-CUBE DECREE.”

  1. hans says:

    Firstest!

  2. Eric Mittan says:

    Why murder the unionists, why not simply blind them?

  3. Ozymandias says:

    Behold my PowerBook, ye mighty, and despair!

  4. beatljuice says:

    Four!

  5. itsmeee says:

    5th?? IT WAS SHAKIRAS FAULT!! SHE WAS RAPING ME BECAUSE IM SO HOT!

    *cries*

  6. stridey says:

    Now let’s see… were the pyramids of old the 6th wonder of the world? Or did the Egyptians abandon them and decide to gun it for the Great Library instead. I mean, that way you can never get too far behind your neighbors, you know?

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    Nth.

    Steve needs to get beyond the cube. I recommend the triacontahedron.

  8. Sparky says:

    Can Howard get some pictures of this?

    How do the lesbian ninjas factor in?

    8th.

  9. Nxxx says:

    Why not just embalm Steve, after all he survived the chrysalis stage?

  10. Woody Allen says:

    I made a movie about it, only we called it the Orgasmatron.

    It’s especially good for those who own a lesbian ninja sexbot that needs maintenance.

  11. GingerSex says:

    Sweet 11 your mine!!!

  12. Slowpoke says:

    Thats just stupid. No way would scorpions be able to survive a New York winter! Not even mercurial scoprions with flamethrowing tails and black tutlenecks. Stevey Jay has cleary lost it.

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    I’ve just thought of a great use for the Millenium Dome.

  14. Anonymous says:

    That’s a fantastic union deal. Roll on social partnership

  15. Will Feldhusen says:

    4,000 cherubs! Don’y you think that’s a bit many, Steve? I’m sure 300 would suffice .

  16. Brent says:

    I happen to have 4,000 cherubs. I, um, bought them at a garage sale in Berkeley, actually. Really weird guy selling them, too.

    The problem is, I don’t have any black turtlenecks or jeans that will fit them. Can anyone provide cherub-sized clothing? If so, I will gladly donate my supply of cherubs.

  17. Crow says:

    This story has obviously been tampered with. Anyone who knows Frank Zamudio knows that he would never say “persuasive fella.” It would be “persuasive feller.”

  18. scared monster says:

    I got a pretty huge minaret myself, and it doesn’t serve, as my sex-bot is running on OS 7.3, and has some conflict with another application I didn’t find out. And the installation floppy-discs are lost.

    I would exchange my minaret with some OS X sex-bots…no, that wouldn’t make sense…let’s say…give me some bots to…er…

    Hell, I lost myself.

  19. U. D. Mann says:

    ” said a source who spoke in the condition of anonymity” Is anonymity now a condition? Is it contagious? Can you catch it from a sex-bot? Or a lesbian ninja? The mind boggles…

  20. Huh? says:

    My pants wonder how generally tall, graceful spires, with onion-shaped crowns, usually either free standing or much taller than any surrounding support structure, could make ones head explode.

    Perhaps if it was built on your head….

    My pants think too much.

    btw John- my pants thank you for the gratuitous trouser references in the past few days.

    moo

  21. blank says:

    Any man who thinks he needs a minaret that big has issues.

    I’m just saying, is all…

  22. THX-1138 says:

    blank, don’t worry. It’s a *hybrid* minaret.

  23. John C. Randolph says:

    Brent,

    I’ve got a bunch of black turtlenects from WWDC 2001, but they’re kind of uncomfortable, and the arms are way too long for cherubs, unless you want to use them as straitjackets or something.

    Let me know if you want them anyway. As for the bluejeans, why don’t you just ask the Gap for a corporate donation for needy mythological beings?

    -jcr

  24. Brent says:

    John C. Randolph,

    I will take your black turtlenecks, but that means I need a seamstress (or…seamsperson?) who can update them to fit cherubs.

    The Gap called. I can’t reprint their answer exactly because little kids might be reading this, but I don’t think they’re going to go for it. Wow, did I learn some new words from that experience.