03 Jan 06Apple To Make Shocking Macworld Revelation.


Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple is set to make a shocking revelation at next week’s Macworld San Francisco, one that will devastate the Macintosh community.

According to highly placed sources in the Satanic underworld, the company will be forced to announce that, as soon as the switch to Intel is complete, the company will be switching from Mac OS X to Windows Vista.

The Macintosh community is sure to be thrown into utter turmoil with much rending of garments and gnashing of teeth over such an announcement. But the switch is reportedly one that the company has little choice but to make.

“During the mid-1990s,” said M’Aabla, demon-spawn of Hell, “Apple entered into a deal with Satan to save its bacon.”

Shortly after Windows 95 was released, certain key members of the company became convinced that only a deal with the devil would save Apple.

M’Aabla said “Satan kept the company alive long enough to get back on its feet with the iPod. But he demanded that Apple switch to Intel and then Windows because he knew that would cause the worst possible emotional and spiritual trauma possible to Mac users.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Satan’s kind of a dick.”

Apple, as an organization, entered into a 10-year deal with the Prince of Darkness that has now come to term.

“And Satan does not offer an option of refinancing at a lower rate. He just doesn’t. That’s not the way he rolls.”

M’Aabla indicated that per the terms of the deal, if Apple were to renege, the souls of its chief executives would become forfeit to the Dark One.

Still, there is some hope that CEO Steve Jobs may be able to work some late-inning magic (perhaps literally) in order to avert this utter catastrophe.

For instance, some speculate that Jobs may simply fire Satan.

“There aren’t many people who could fire Satan,” said the New York Times’ David Pogue, “But I believe Steve Jobs is one of them.

“And maybe Don Rickles.”

Apple spokesperson Cynthia McLaren has consistently denied the company has any dealings with Lucifer despite multiple late-night calls to her home in which reporters just whispered “Ssssssssssaaaaaaatttttaaaaaaannnnnn…”

No Responses to “Apple To Make Shocking Macworld Revelation.”

  1. I’m first. And in a book. I’m awesome.

  2. Hmph says:

    Awwww…. weinerschitzel.

  3. Hmph says:

    That’s with an ‘n’ : Weinerschnitzel.

  4. fourth! And I’ve still got my soul!

  5. OverclockedLemon says:

    SSSSSSSSSATAN!

  6. Anonymous says:

    Umm… didn’t really mean that, Mom… 😉

  7. fatbo says:

    1st is the worst,

    2nd is the next worst,

    3rd is pretty bad but not as bad as 4th,

    4th sucks, but is still better than 1st or 2nd,

    5th totally rules,

    >5 are lousy, but not as bad as 1st-4th,

    (11th is the one with the hairiest chest)

  8. fatbo says:

    rats.

    7th is the one that took to long to say “5th”.

    8th, bitches.

  9. 2000guitars says:

    I do believe that Steve Jobs could fire Satan. Although, he may be rather flame retardant as it is… Del could figure something out with the iFlames, I’m sure.

  10. Tim says:

    great that you guys are back

  11. Nxxx says:

    Well, it does make sense, you know.

    (Sorry John, I’ve just wrecked your first 2006 post.)

  12. Dick Satan says:

    I’m really not so bad, once you get to know me.

  13. GingerSex says:

    I missed you CARS. Life is good now that you are back in my life.

  14. pron connnaisseur says:

    Maybe he http://www.churchofsatan.com/Pages/Apple.html organized this?

    I for one welcome our new satanic wintel overlords!

    Bleah, I’m switching to GNU/communixÂ…

  15. Will Feldhusen says:

    I, for one, have had my soul stolen already.

    I think Gates might have it.

  16. Moltz,

    Quit calling my house. You don’t want me to talk to Nancy again, do you? You rember what “Dismissed with Extreme Prejudice” means, right?

    Sincerely,

    Cynthia McLaren

  17. Jason Young says:

    I call bullshit. Because it’ll never happen – mainly because Windows Vista will ship about the same time that taligent ships Pink.

    (that was a old-skool apple reference – you young whipper snappers in the comments probably don’t even know what that even means)

  18. VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA!

    VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA!

    VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA!

    VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA!

    VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA!

    VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA!

    VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA! VISTA!

  19. Jan van Es says:

    Uh… it’s “Wienerschnitzel”…

  20. Ace Deuce says:

    I rented my soul to Satan for a couple of months, but his checks kept bouncing, so I evicted him. And he left it in such a mess–what a party animal! The neighbors were always complaining about the loud heavy metal.

  21. Fred Phillips says:

    You can’t spell

  22. Huh? says:

    Wait… I’ve got a SOUL?!?

    When did this happen?!!! Damn!

    I NEVER get the memos……

    Oh, and my pants had a wonderful New Years party, thank you.

    moo

  23. iBode says:

    I say Steve Jobs will find God.

    Then the renewed Apple, with God’s favor, will strike down the Devil and Windows forever.

    Steve will then have an extra-long life, and when he dies will become a saint and have a chapel built in his honor.

  24. You mean Pink shipping Taligent, becuse Pink was the team developing Taligent.

    I loved Pink. Apple should be called Pink. I like Pink.

  25. Swedish_Dude says:

    Well. There goes the universe!

  26. Mpls guy says:

    If Jobs finds God and has “an extra-long life,” he will probably turn around and sue God when he dies because Jobs did not get 800 years of “extra-long life” promised in the specs.

    Let’s think back to Adam & Eve. The bible never says what kind of Apple they ate. Wouldn’t it be nice if iMacs grew on trees?

  27. bibulb says:

    Hell, I’d just be thrilled if it meant that Spindler’s soul was forfeit to Satan.

    Stupid-ass former CEO.

  28. Ah, like my phone hasn’t run in a long time. Nobody at Apple is dealing with me any more.

    Prince of Darkness my ass. I’m the Prince of freaking suck the light out of the Sun Darkness!

  29. As much as I would LOVE to leave such a fullfilled and detailed comment about this article, even though I am QUITE so amused by it, I am all too distracted by the My Disney Kitchen advertisement on the right side on the webpage… look, it’s MICKEY MOUSE! Look, dammit, LOOK!

    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000059OQY/102-0011924-6973744

    It’s Time to Get Cooking in Your Own Disney Kitchen!

    Don’t you agree??

  30. Will Feldhusen, I do not have you soul. Check with Mike Dell, he’s mighty suspicious, if you ask me. And Balmer, could you, like, bathe or something? Come on already!

    Nice reference to Taligent… just like two people pissing into a pond. 😉

    What was that other spinoff, Kalida? Something like that. And there was Claris.

    The wikipedia has CARS in there:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mac_rumors_community

  31. scared monster says:

    Well I always said that computers, like flowers, were sent all over earth to dominate mankind and rule the universe by some evil extra-terrestrial kind of life.

    The do their nice smiles, I mean, flowers and computers, and then they suck our mind off and leave behind an empty shell. Turned inside-outside.

    I know that. I saw photos.

    I got their number, classic camcorder. Dinner plate special, the shape of the cucumberÂ…

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