31 Jan 06New Intel Ad Somewhat Disturbing.

Sources at Intel indicate that the monolithic chip manufacturer is set to launch an advertising run that plays off of Apple’s slogan “What’s an Intel chip doing in a Mac? A whole lot more than it’s ever done on a PC.”

In a somewhat disturbing sign, however, Intel has slightly altered the slogan.

Intel’s attitude has some Mac users concerned.

“I’m not sure I like their tone,” said Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life. “It sounds a little adversarial.”

Still, King indicated that he would sell Sly Marton to some angry Saracens for a MacBook Pro, assuming the situation arose.

“She’d understand,” King indicated.

While some thought Intel might be employing a tongue-in-cheek marketing campaign aimed at attracting highly educated and media-savvy purchase decision makers to Intel-based Macs, a company spokesperson indicated that was not the case.

“BUY IT, MAGGOT!” said Intel spokesperson Lars Grunstall, towering over reporters menacingly and apparently referring to the Intel Core Duo iMac.

“I WILL SQUASH YOU MAC-USING PANSIES LIKE YOU’RE BUGS!” Grunstall added, flexing his barrel-like torso until veins popped from his voluminous muscles.

Grunstall then ate a bottle for no apparent purpose other than to show the depths of his ferocity.

Apple declined to comment for this story, but was seen checking out a Charles Atlas ad in the back of a comic book.

No Responses to “New Intel Ad Somewhat Disturbing.”

  1. And, is it odd for my new intel mac to be… telling me what to do.

    …like it only lets me surf porn.

    I mean, there’s a time and place for that


    Well, see, even porn can get, uh, old.

    But anytime I try to surf to a different site I get a dialogue box saying “Don’t… or you’ll get kicked in the balls”


    Well, lets just say my groin area is…

    In pain.

  2. …And not just because of the ball kicking.

    What, I said porn could get old!

  3. Post number five is powered by Intel.

  4. Alan says:


  5. Marco says:

    Seventh Heaven

  6. Marco says:

    It’s my birthday today and I’ve gotten two, yes two database errors. Is that special or what!?!

    Oh, and pieces of eight!

  7. 2000guitars says:

    top ten, baby

    **flexes his barrel-like midriff**

  8. GingerSex says:

    Setting up for… (Charles Altas?)

  9. Carl says:

    Le 11 este moi!

  10. Muscleman says:

    No, 11th is mine, maggot!

  11. Carl says:

    Je surrender!

  12. Muscleman says:

    ‘S what I thought, France-ypants! Now, back to enjoying some fine, totally non-homoerotic muscleman competitions with my friends at Intel.

  13. Nxxx says:

    I warned them that changing from Babbage difference engine Mark lll would cause difficulties. Mind you, Old Charlie occasionally blew his top.

  14. Gordon Charlton says:

    Happy Birthday, Marco.

  15. Will Feldhusen says:

    But what does it want?

  16. Gag Halfrunt says:

    Honestly, your honor. It was the Intel chip that went surfing for kiddie porn all by itself. I mean, the computer wasn’t even switched on!

  17. Anonymous says:

    I post.

  18. Konitiwa Beechus says:

    Hilarious. Positively Brilliant. A definite edge-of-your-seat thriller. I give it two thumbs up!

  19. My brain serves not apparent purpose. I don’t know why I have one.

  20. Ace Deuce says:

    Sorry, I have nothing to say about this article; Ijust have to put in an appearance from time to time. It’s in my contract.

  21. John Moltz says:

    If you read closely in your Apple EULAs, you’re also contractually obligated to give Peter Oppenheimer a full body massage.

    You don’t have to do everything simply because you’re contractually obligated to, you know.

  22. jimothy says:

    Most disturbing is the lack of anti-aliasing (er, would that be “aliasing”) on the text.

  23. Del says:

    Why didn’t you tell me that BEFORE I gave him his massage?

    Luckily I had read my EULA before hand because it is amazing what Oppenheimer tried to pull. I told him that I might be willing to give that kind of massage to Phil Schiller but he’d have to show me in print where I had agreed to it to him! (I always had a thing for Canadians.)

    When I left I heard Oppenheimer on the phone yelling at the legal department about how they needed to add some things to the new iNtel Mac’s EULA and make the print on those things smaller.

    So I guess the moral of the story is, unless you want an unpleasant visit with Oppenheimer read your Mac’s EULA before you purchase it. I wonder if Oppenheimer gets use of the company’s ninjas in order to get the EULA’s fulfilled?

  24. What many developers don’t realize is that the Intel Core Duo Processors are not exactally “two of the same CPUs in one die”, rather they are two of the same CPU, but one is evil and the other is good. Most of the idle time of the CPUs is spent having a useless conversation about why the good CPU does not need the evil CPU at all and that they obey the precious and the master of the precious.

    The trick of the software developers will be to get your processes to run on the “good” CPU and avoid the “evil” CPU, unless you really need it for hacking or for the high-quality, high-speed SIMD functions that the evil CPU has, for porn and video and whatnot.

  25. LMAO @ Good/Evil intel. If only I’d thought of that.

  26. gordo says:



    (in case you havent noticed, I GOTO SCHOOL!!!))

    LOL (im not laughing at myself im laughing at the funny … Intel ad thing)

  27. Sudo Nym says:

    The lack of anti-aliasing is, of course, because the Intel CPU is not going to waste its time on fruity Mac stuff like making text look better. If you don’t like it, the chip can always throw up a “C:>” prompt for you. How would you like THAT?

    Don’t adjust your set, Mac users. Intel controls the horizontal. Intel controls the vertical. Intel knows you are all too young to have any idea what I’m talking about.

    Or am I just babbling here? At my age, I’m never completely sure.

  28. derekm says:

    So I finally have all the Apple executives’ names memorized and then you start quoting Intel people. Man, more work to do! Who is this Lars guy, and is he Danish, or what? So I go to Goooooooooooooogle…. and it says

    ‘Did you mean: “Lars Tunstall”

    No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.

    Your search – “Lars Grunstall” – did not match any documents.’

    Now, CARS is known for its accurate reporting, but it is just as known for its creative spelling, so of course I accept Gooooooooooogle’s suggestion and let it tell me all about Lars Tunstall. Lo and belold, what was Gooo(lots more o here)gle’s response?

    “Your search – “Lars Tunstall” – did not match any documents.’

    Oh yeah. Thanks Goooogle. At least I know I can now start ignoring Intel names that CARS makes up.