Apple To Announce "Fun" New Products Next Week.

Reports today indicate that Apple is set to announce some “fun new products” next week. Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed these reports and, further, learned what these products will be.

In an interview on the Apple campus today, Apple head of hardware engineering Peter Mehring was remarkably forthcoming.

Displaying a table full of new products, Mehring walked through each, explaining it at detail.

He may have been drinking.

“This one’s a paddle with a rubber string with a ball on the end!” he said, visibly excited. “I, personally, cannot get enough of this thing! Ha-ha!”

Mehring picked up the paddle game and attempted to demonstrate but was unable to make contact.


“Here, let me try again.


Putting the paddle back down, Mehring said “Well, you get the idea. Loads of fun. People are really going to like that one.”

Moving on, Mehring described a paper-based system where users enter types of words – nouns, verbs, etc. – at random into stories often with hilarious results and something remarkably similar to Lawn Darts.

Asked if Apple – already the target of numerous class action lawsuits – was concerned about the potential for litigation, Mehring insisted that these products were “fun” and that anyone not having “fun” with them would be voiding their warranty.

51 thoughts on “Apple To Announce "Fun" New Products Next Week.”

  1. haha okay but a Macbook Pro G5 with a subwoofer, 1 terabyte of memory, tablet, full-sized keyboard yet somehow 12″ with a picture of Chuck Norris

  2. sorry Moltz, I’ve never been first before, just taking this opportunity to the max

    and if you want me to shutup say holla

  3. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Tim Ma, epitome the downfall of the internet, where everybody has a voice.

  4. Moltz, you’ve lost the first principle of Rumour Mongering. What’s the processors in the Paddle Ball, left over G4s and 5s or Intel?

  5. I find “your father” an idiot. Exactly what is wrong with today is that nobody has a voice but a few rich people and politicians who basically are the rich people. There used to be a difference between Democrats and Republicans but now they are all convinced by money and lobbyists. The fact that social security will run out soon, we are addicted to oil, America is about to enter WW III, every song on the radio is about sex, drugs, and violence, poverty and unemployment are up, and what we really need in our world is a micropolitical resistance to social and economic oppression because modern philosophers say that ultra liberal schemes of utopian society where we all play games hold hands, and sing songs are ridiculous to the point that they’re impossible. So instead they advocate micropolitical message where it isn’t about the larger picture or grand scheme but the idea that every single person you convince is important. So “Your Father” is definately at wrong when you deny the people a voice and allow capitalistic opression to glide by and you are the ideal of downfall of culture.

  6. Also, I claim to be the least annoying of those responding to this article.

    Apple’s X-ray specs are the funnest of the new products, by the way.

  7. Given the nature of this site, was anyone else surprised at the benign nature of the so-called “fun” products?

  8. can i claim 11th please it’ll be my highest post (sorta)

    oh btw can i also say Niiiiiiiii!

  9. I’m still waiting for the Toaster-enabled refridgerating iPod Steve mentioned.


  10. I lurk to read the updates on that one guy’s pants. Not to listen to Tim Ma. Made me very upset this morning. Well, part of me was upset. It might have been bad cream in my coffee, but part of me was still really upset.

  11. Hey guys, remember that Tim Ma? What a joker! Ha ha!

    He.. will no longer be bothering us.

    Anyone posting as him is a fraud. My policy on this one is don’t ask, don’t get shot in the face. And goddammit, you sure as hell better not pretend to be Tim Ma.

  12. Are we talking real Lawn Darts or the crappy ones without the giant metal spike? It would be so cool to be able to buy Apple Branded Lawn Darts (the real kind with the spike). Then instead of searching on google video for Bill Gates and pie we could search for Bill Gates and Lawn Dart.

    On a side note I heard the Apple branded condoms are being recalled. It seems that they aren’t as good at keeping out viruses as was originally intended.

  13. All the “fun” products will be based on Apple’s vast back-stock of 65C816 processors. They couldn’t think of any other way to get rid of them.

    Well, any way other than re-starting the Apple IIgs line, and that option is “off the table.” Actually I heard that the last person to suggest is is now serving AS the table. Those wacky Vegans…

  14. They could always sell those 65C816 processor to Nintendo for use in a re-release of the Super Nintendo. Of course it would have to be overclocked a bit since the SNES’s 65C816 processor ran a full Mhz faster than the one in the IIgs.

    Otherwise, I would spend a nice, new, crisp 50 dollar bill on a spankin-new IIgs WOZ Edition w/two 3.5″ floppys and and the good RGB monitor. (Not really)

  15. Posted this a while back on slashdot:

    We at Apple wondered why it is called iLife when it is incomplete. There was no porn managing software. Now, iLife ’05 adds iCum. iCum is a completely integrated porn management suite. Using the video functions of iCum, behind the scenes, a usenet reader autosenses attachments in posts, and presents them to the user by the preview .jpg. If this is unavailable, iCum downloads enough of the clip to show a frame 8 seconds into the video. Auto par,unrar, and hjsplit functions are included and transparent to the user. Quicktime integration for auto-codec retreval and auto-playlist generation for split video files. Integration with iDVD means that a simple drag of the preview jpg will burn a session onto DVD with the entire scene with chapter breaks where the file is split.

    In still photo mode you can point iCum to picture-based groups, and by examining cross-posts with other groups, iCum can passover many spam posts showing the same pictures. Set it to scan and iCum will download all pictures in selected groups and store them in an ecrypted Filevault of a hidden user account. It will then allow for running iPhoto under that user via a password WITHOUT SWITCHING USERS.

    A search mode will search all requested newsgroups and will save searches. The saved searches area allows for passive searching and PVR-like capabilities and downloading on P2P networks when the computer is idle. Walk up to your computer the next day and iCum will have a series of clips based on common downloads with your favorite stars. This utilizes iCum specific P2P plugins for the new Sherlock.

    Integration with iMovie allows for video markers to be placed automatically in the clip an saves to .fukmov for use with your iVod portable movie players’ new iJerk attachment powered by the iVod via firewire for hands-free jerking. Both male and female version have resevoirs available that hold 5 ounces of fluid so they may be used descretly in public without an immediate cleanup.

    iCum integrates with iChat to allow for iJerk functionality via external controls included with the iJerk unit.

    iLife 05 will be available 4th quarter 2004 and will retail for $69.69 and will bundled with iJerk.

    iVod will be available 1st quarter 2005 and will be bundled with 5 ounce resevoirs for public iJerk use.

    *Applecare protection plan not available for the iJerk. Apple Computer is not responsible for shock and burn damage caused by iJerk due to non-lubrication. Public use is illegal in all states except Nevada.

  16. I have no idea what to make of this mess. Mass posting by a deluded, single user. Strange Blazing Saddle references.

    I wouldn’t even let my pants read this.
    Well, if they could read. I mean, it’s not like pants have eyes.
    Um…. yeah.

    I’ll be going now.


  17. I, too, was expecting the “fun” products to fun to be… [wink wink, nudge nudge] “fun” products.

    Wow Moltz. An easy shot at a sex joke, and you passed it up?

    You’re maturing.
    I’m proud.

  18. My vote is for iJump spring loaded boots. A simple heel click propels you in a vertically upwards direction to the moon, Alice.

    One beta tester, sans ‘chute, was heard to report, on his way down, “So far, so good.”

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