22 Feb 06Internet Abstinence Group Targets Mac Users.

After recent news reports of a OS X worm and a Safari security flaw have made the rounds, a number of young Mac users report being contacted by a youth group advocating Internet abstinence as the best method of staying safe from such problems.

According to a pamphlet put out by the group, the Internet Abstinence Alliance promotes keeping computers off the Internet, ostensibly to prevent the spread of malicious software.

At an outreach session sponsored by her group, 19-year-old Internet Abstinence Alliance coordinator Mary Macmillan said that the Internet is a filthy place that people should avoid at all costs.

Macmillan said “The only true way to be safe from viruses and worms and malware and hackers and men who treat you nice until you let them into your ‘special gift’ and you suddenly realize they just want to grope you and paw at you and do all kinds of unspeakable things to you… some of them in places that I didn’t even think were possible… I mean… there’s not a lot of room in the back seat of a 1978 Honda Civic… you have to hitch your leg up over the seat and push it against the window and then brace your upper body using the stick shift. The whole thing’s not easy, particularly if there are more than three of you in the car. Not to mention any farm animals. And he said not to mention the farm animals because that would be an extra five years.”

Noticing the horrified expression on the faces of her fellow Internet Abstinence Alliance members, Macmillan cut her description short.

“Well. That’s what I hear, anyway.”

Macmillan said that few Mac users have responded to the Internet Abstinence Alliance’s outreach program, which sources said invariably degenerates into an anti-smut diatribe.

“Mac users are filthy perverts for the most part,” Macmillan said.

This comment prompted most of the attending Mac users to get up and leave.

“Perverts!” Macmillan yelled after them.

Now seated alone in the middle of about 20 folding chairs, Macworld magazine’s Peter Cohen raised his hand.

“Um… someone said there were going to be cookies.”

90 Responses to “Internet Abstinence Group Targets Mac Users.”

  1. Tim Ma says:

    I love this

  2. Nxxx says:

    I’ve put a large condom over mine. The Mac, you perverts.

  3. Tim Ma says:

    No need for spam filter. Just everybody post as Tim Ma.

  4. Timmy Ma says:

    Moltz, I love you.

  5. Concerned Reader says:

    “I totally killed the numbering thing, it was getting a little annoying”

    speaking of annoying…

  6. g0rdo says:

    56th Fuck…!

    bitches

  7. TimMaHo says:

    Click on the link and see pictures of me, Tim Ma! I’m cool!

  8. Tim Ma says:

    Hey, I’m really a gay wanker who lives in my mother’s basement and screws the neighborhood dog!

    Yay!

  9. iBode says:

    God.
    Tim Ma might be enough reason to avoid the regular posts all together.

  10. Tim Ma says:

    I play with kiddies. And not in a good way. And, uh, I can’t wait for Vista to come out, it looks smokin hot! I loved windows from 3.1 but Vista, woah momma! It’s gonna be bitchin!

  11. Slowpoke says:

    Hooplah! 6ixty UNO!

  12. scared monster says:

    Are we now up to make only clever comments, leaving this pre-pubere kid the stupid things?

    No.
    Stupidity is far too important to let morons play with it.

    What about : when you’re abstinent, you always blow up and explose ?

  13. Tim's Pa says:

    Tim? Tim? Where’d you go?

    (Dammit. He picked the lock.)

    Tim? You’re in BIG trouble, young man!

    (Probably went back to his ma.)

  14. Tim Ma says:

    Hey!
    Not only I live in my ma’s basement, but she locked the door and cast concrete on th ewindow!
    I can only eat what I produce…

  15. Tim Ma 65 (or 66, depends…) says:

    Haw haw haw haw
    gals gals gals

    beer beer beer

    herr herr herr

  16. Tim!

    I told you to stop looking in my windows! I’m calling the cops, you perv….

  17. Doktor Markus Oehlen says:

    Jung Bube
    You schould now listen to your parents
    and kome to my office

    Wir have to speak.

  18. Mary Macmillan says:

    You guys think this is just fun and games but the internet is loaded with evil. If anyone is interested in finding additional information about our organisation wisit our website at http://www.internetabstinencealliance.org.

  19. POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST!
    POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST!
    POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST!
    POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST!
    POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST!
    POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST!
    POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST! POST!

  20. jimothy says:

    Reading Mary’s account, I felt pretty guilty, because I rather enjoyed reading her story. Right up until the farm animals part. Then, I felt really guilty.

  21. Colonel Panic says:

    Please make it stop…

  22. Ace Deuce says:

    First post by me!

    I find that the internet is clean as a whistle. It’s full of wholesome goodness.

  23. Zounds Padang says:

    *working on a stylesheet to block out T*m M@ posts*

  24. Huh? says:

    Awwww, what a cute little troll! Ooo- he’s got a name tag. What does it say… Tim Ma.
    What a nice little troll.

    *waits with iFlame set to ‘unspeakable pain’*

    moo

  25. Tim Ma the idiot says:

    How about a Tim Ma filter.

  26. Tim Ma says:

    Stop using my name!!!! And don’t make fun of me!!!! And whatever you do, Don’t draw any cartoons with my image!!!! I’m the all powerful and self absorbed Tim Ma !!!!!! And I think I’m cool.

  27. John Moltz says:

    Tim….

    Do we need to have a talk?

    I hope not.

    We appreciate you enthusiasm, but let’s not spoil a good time for everyone.

  28. Tim Ma says:

    Where did I run off to?

  29. won says:

    I’d call that display comment spam, frankly.

  30. scared monster says:

    Ka-T(r)im-Ma

  31. won, I like to call it “annoying asshole with too much time on his hands and no comedy chops in his head.”

    “Tim” will now have to make the trek across the yard to use Dave’s dad’s DSL connection. So, we might not hear back for a while.

  32. upset reader says:

    is someone else writing the rumors? maybe it’s me, but it seems like the quality has gone downhill.

    or maybe it’s just the site redesign.

  33. Del says:

    This whole thing seems like a Monty Python sketch.

    There are some who call me Tim.

  34. Tin Ma says:

    OIL CAN! OIL CAN!

  35. Knobsturner says:

    It’s better when its real:

    “Dr. Gao Wenbin, director of the Psychological Consulting Center at the Chinese Academy of Sciences and leader of the “Rainbow Program” that teaches Internet abstinence, told Xinhua that college students comprise a major group in society that are addicted to using the Internet.”

    http://www.chinatechnews.com/index.php?action=show&type=news&id=2400

  36. xiajyiga says:

    vcfxnzwic…

    xnrparzvg adpjokju awprje cvzsnekfbe …

  37. paxil says:

    in Germany and then in the United States

  38. john says:

    I can’t be bothered with anything recently. I haven’t been up to anything. I don’t care. I haven’t gotten much done lately. Not that it matters.

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  40. I found your blog via Google while searching for apple one payday loans and your post regarding Internet Abstinence Group Targets Mac Users. looks very interesting to me.

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