Internet Abstinence Group Targets Mac Users.

After recent news reports of a OS X worm and a Safari security flaw have made the rounds, a number of young Mac users report being contacted by a youth group advocating Internet abstinence as the best method of staying safe from such problems.

According to a pamphlet put out by the group, the Internet Abstinence Alliance promotes keeping computers off the Internet, ostensibly to prevent the spread of malicious software.

At an outreach session sponsored by her group, 19-year-old Internet Abstinence Alliance coordinator Mary Macmillan said that the Internet is a filthy place that people should avoid at all costs.

Macmillan said “The only true way to be safe from viruses and worms and malware and hackers and men who treat you nice until you let them into your ‘special gift’ and you suddenly realize they just want to grope you and paw at you and do all kinds of unspeakable things to you… some of them in places that I didn’t even think were possible… I mean… there’s not a lot of room in the back seat of a 1978 Honda Civic… you have to hitch your leg up over the seat and push it against the window and then brace your upper body using the stick shift. The whole thing’s not easy, particularly if there are more than three of you in the car. Not to mention any farm animals. And he said not to mention the farm animals because that would be an extra five years.”

Noticing the horrified expression on the faces of her fellow Internet Abstinence Alliance members, Macmillan cut her description short.

“Well. That’s what I hear, anyway.”

Macmillan said that few Mac users have responded to the Internet Abstinence Alliance’s outreach program, which sources said invariably degenerates into an anti-smut diatribe.

“Mac users are filthy perverts for the most part,” Macmillan said.

This comment prompted most of the attending Mac users to get up and leave.

“Perverts!” Macmillan yelled after them.

Now seated alone in the middle of about 20 folding chairs, Macworld magazine’s Peter Cohen raised his hand.

“Um… someone said there were going to be cookies.”

90 thoughts on “Internet Abstinence Group Targets Mac Users.”

  1. ….I think we need a spammage filter, you know, one of those things that doesn’t let you post more than once in 5 minutes kinda thing…. :/

  2. I’m all for an abstinence-only education to the dangers of unprotected surfing. No e-condoms for me! And you pre-marital web hanky-panky totally leads to blindness. Marry that information superhighway if you want to knock her up so badly.

  3. Ummm that’s a bit pathetic I’ve missed the first post by hours and yet I’m only the third person to post. But just to piss Tim Ma off. . .

    THIRD!!!! WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO! HUZZAH!

    Right. Now can we pool our resources to find the poor kid a life?

    Niiiiii!

  4. “I think we need a spammage filter, you know, one of those things that doesn’t let you post more than once in 5 minutes kinda thing”

    Agreed.

  5. What to say, what to say….
    I remember my first beer. Nope. Trite.
    Bottom of the barrel, Ma! Nope, reaching too far.

    Of course:
    Ugluk for Moderator!

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