28 Feb 06New Apple Product Doomed To Failure.

Apple announced a new product today, which analysts and Mac followers have already judged to be doomed to failure.

“This new Apple product is seriously deficient,” wrote Tristan Fisk of Mac-A-Licious in the web site’s wrap-up of today’s announcements.

“It lacks several key features that our reporting indicated it would have, and is not as feature-full as competing products from other vendors. Apple has missed the boat on this product. It will never sell.

“And, of course, it’s priced too high.”

This phenomenon – currently being played yet again out on web sites throughout the Mac community – has been applied to numerous Apple products since the failure of the Power Macintosh, such as the original iBook, the iPod, the 2002 iMac, the iPod mini, the iMac G5, the original Mac mini, the iPod nano and the video iPod.

“Logicians call this ‘Dvorak’s Razor’,” said the New York Times’ David Pogue.

Also know as Apple Cubism, Pogue said the maxim states that the simplest explanation for any new Apple product is that it will fail.

“It’s also called ‘Lazy Apple Pundit’s Disease’,” Pogue said.

Despite the volume of electronic ink spent upon the subject, it was uncertain if these Apple nay-sayers were talking about the iPod Hi-Fi or the Intel-based Mac mini.

“Actually, I’m not even sure myself,” said Wayne Hesten of Macs-Ahoy, who wrote an entire column on the subject of the certain doom the latest Apple product faced.

“Does it matter?”

43 Responses to “New Apple Product Doomed To Failure.”

  1. First says:

    Yes, Doomed!

  2. New Guy says:

    1stist!

  3. weedle says:

    third-ish

  4. John Moltz says:

    Yeesh, you make one lousy ham reference and GoogleAds saddles you with it for days.

  5. comacnut says:

    Not to mention its not a sex robot. #5

  6. sparky says:

    Dude, these columns are more funny when they’re completely true. Like this one.

  7. derekm says:

    … And without your ham fetish, John, I never would have heard of Bourbon Pecan ham. Yum?!?

  8. t1m M@ says:

    so disappointing…I am going to cry now

  9. Magnanimous Wang says:

    I thought they were talking about the leather wallet. How could it compete with ipod socks?!

  10. Nxxx says:

    Pretty clear over here in Europe, the Intel duo Core iPod is too expensive.

  11. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Tent-th. And I’m sure that my posting will fail just like every Apple innovation since the dawn of time.

    Damn. Now I’m just being lazy too. See? Failed already.

  12. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Nxxx, did you mean the 17″ Intel duo Core iPod or the 21″ Intel duo Core iPod. Cause I think €23,000 was fair for the 21″. €400 for the iPod sock for it was a bit much though.

  13. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Oh, and I got eleventh after setting myself up for it. I rox.

  14. Ernie Keebler says:

    Wait, wait, wait! Maybe the speakers are like Transformers, sexbots in disguise! Has anyone tried yelling “ACTIVATE!” in front of one of these things to see what happens?

  15. RMR says:

    Moltz has blown it again.
    These new products will not necessarily fail. However, they are a clear indication that Apple is getting out of the computer business to concentrate on expensive leather goods and the music producing. Apple should immediately buy Apple (the London one) and switch from cow leather to kangaroo leather to stay one hop ahead of DKNY.

  16. acl says:

    ‘Dvorak’s Razor’

    Priceless, just Priceless!

    Excellent work Moltz!

  17. LimeyBloke, in an English accent says:

    But what about Thurrot’s cat, or the Enderle Cage?

  18. LimeyBloke, in an English accent says:

    Dvoak’s Razor: If you don’t know anything about something it must be crap.

    Thurrot’s Cat: If an OS is named after a cat it must be for pussies.

    Enderle’s Cage: If your entire job is justified by the work created in fixing crap products, you can’t afford to espouse something that’ll put you out of work.

  19. UhhhDude says:

    The iPod HiFi (Man, that really works out the Shift key, doesn’t it?) is doomed! Doomed, I tells ya! Because why can’t it deliver a delicious steaming cup of latte on demand?

    Because I want coffee with my Coldplay. Java with my Juelz Santana. Mocha with my Marvin Gaye. And I want it all in one place.

    ‘Cause I’m lazy like that. (Maybe I should be a Lazy Pundit, as well.)

  20. Just to get off the humor for a moment: I’ll be very intrigued to see where this goes. This marks another step by Apple towards consumer electronics as opposed to personal computers. Even the new Mac mini seemed to be advertised more as a home media center than as a desktop computer.

    Note that this is not necessarily a bad thing. If selling consumer electronics makes Apple survive and thrive, great. Macs sure don’t seem to be doing it.

  21. GIR says:

    “I’m going to sing the DOOM song now! Doom doom doom, doomy doom doom…doomy doomy doom doom, Doomy doom doomy doomy doo-

    *fade to black*
    *Return 2 days later*
    Doom doom doom, doomy doom doom…doomy doomy doom doom, Doomy doom doomy doomy doom doom doom doomity doom doomity doom, Doom doom doom, doomy doom doom…doomy doomy doom doom, Doomy doom doomy doomy doom doom doom doomity doom doomity doom

  22. Colonel Panic says:

    I never have ammo for my rocket launcher or chain gun when I need it…

  23. Um, I have an order here for a pony, for someone named Del? Could you please come pick it up at your earliest convenience.

    Also, there’s also a pony in our warehouse that’s addressed to a “Disgusted Col Ret’d.” Anybody know this individual? He can come pick up his pony, too.

  24. Ace Deuce says:

    I tried yelling “ACTIVATE!” in front of my wife. It did not produce the desired response. Perhaps it is not the correct command, or it only works on sexbots.

  25. Huh? says:

    Thurrot’s cat… Ok, I almost fell out of my chair on that one.

    I am such a geek…..

    moo

  26. You are in the living room. There is a door to the east. To the west is a wooden door with strange gothic lettering, which appears to be nailed shut.
    There is a rug lying next to an open trap door.
    There is a trophy case here.
    On hooks above the mantlepiece hangs an elvish sword of great antiquity.
    A battery-powered brass lantern is on the trophy case.
    There is an issue of US NEWS & DUNGEON REPORT dated 11-MAR-91 here.

    > I wanted doom, not zork!

    I don’t understand that.

    > At least the ponies are being delivered

    I don’t understand that.

    > 🙁

  27. ... says:

    I always end up in the last 10-20.
    TOP 30! HA!

  28. g0rdo says:

    28th whheeeeeee

    bitches

  29. First says:

    Extra ration of pudding to Moltz and the commentors on this one! You know who you are.

  30. El Payo says:

    Hmmm. I think Thurrot’s Cat would be more like: A new Apple product is placed inside a box. The product’s state is both succees and a failure, until Steve Jobs appears on the cover of Time magazine.

    I’ll add this one.

    Mossberg’s Uncertainty Principle: ‘The more precisely the details of a new Apple product are known before launch, the less precisely the new Apple product is known.’

  31. Scottie Biddle says:

    Nxxx and Ahyner Keester, what are you talking bout? 23.000 Euro for an Intel Core Duo iPod? Do you mean iMac? They’re the huge things with the camera that must be plugged in to use. Also- 23.000 Euro is way too much- buy them in the US fo’ $1400.

    iPod socks- like $30. GO USofA!

  32. DrG says:

    Activate! ROTF

    I tried that mid last year but she says she heard Procreate!

  33. All I have to say, is that I wish I could have had an Apple Biplane.

    Love,

    Manny.

  34. Limeybloke says:

    To the Moo bloke, glad you liked it! It tickled me anyway.

    To “El Payo” yeah, you’re right, it’s just that sad and geeky and Mac-rumor obsessed as I am I just couldn’t be arsed to think up something more aposite in the few minutes before I had to go to work. Sorry.

    Any takers on a “Gates Uncertainty Principle”?

    Woof.

  35. Typo says:

    I especially enjoyed reading about how crappy the sound quality is before anybody laid a hand on the thing.

    …although, if the HiFi had a built-in hard drive and control interface, I’d be sold.

  36. Yowzer says:

    I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict that all the April 1st announcements are doomed to failure. In fact, they’ve failed already. Plus, 37th.

  37. Del says:

    I’ve got my pony I’ve got my pony

    YAY

  38. The Gates Uncertainty Principle: is that, and it is mine, and I wrote it myself, so it is mine, is, are you ready? it is mine, sorry. It states that one cannot assign, with full precision, values for certain pairs of observable software companies, including the position and momentum, of a single hot product at the same time even in theory. Which in laymans terms is my flair for Embrace, Extend and Extinguish (see my linkie), the stages of embracing and extending are only prefaces to extinguishing or supplanting existing products with Microsoft’s clearly superiour ones. In trailer speak it is; you gots a better thing, well, I’m a-gonna buy up your company or make my thing for free and run you into the ground, then give a bunch to charity and make like I’m a saint, baby.

  39. Ken says:

    I consider that,it states that one cannot assign, with full precision.

  40. Crow says:

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  42. Ello stopping by to say whats up, danny also says whats up and lets try to get together next week

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