01 Mar 06Jonathan Ive Out Of Ideas.

Apple’s announcements Tuesday served to verify disturbing rumors from Apple that chief designer Jonathan Ive is completely out of ideas.

According to sources, the rectangular shape of the iPod Hi-Fi fits a pattern Ive has fallen into of resorting to products shaped like simple rectangles.

“The iPod? Rectangle. The G5 iMac? Rectangle. The Cinema Display? Rectangle.

Ive apologists have pointed to the Mac mini.

“When you look at the Mac mini from above, it’s a square,” said Kurt Rickenbacker, president of the Jonathan Ive Fan Club. “A square is not a rectangle.”

Sadly, the rules of geometry in this universe do not agree with Rickenbacker.

“A square is a kind of rectangle,” said Steve Howes, Professor of Mathematics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

After a long silence Howe said “Um… sorry?”

Sources within Apple product development say Ive has struggled lately to come up with solid designs that aren’t rectangles.

“Working on the iPod Hi-Fi was a trying time for Jon,” one source confided. “He spent hours holed up in his office, hunched over the drafting table, tossing one crumpled up piece of paper after another over his shoulder.

“Finally he came out and said ‘Ah, screw it. Let’s just make it a rectangle like everything else.”

Ive’s review, written by CEO Steve Jobs and forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site by disgruntled Apple human resources personnel, reads in part:

Jon needs to work on more shapes. For the past two years it’s been rectangle, rectangle, rectangle. We’d love to see Jon come up with a product shaped like, say, a rhombus or other parallelogram and then build his way back into non-linear shapes.

Ive has reportedly taken to staring at curved objects for long periods of time, hoping for inspiration.

38 Responses to “Jonathan Ive Out Of Ideas.”

  1. John C. Randolph says:

    I can’t be bothered to claim second post. It’s just not worth it.

    -jcr

  2. croikle says:

    2nd!

    Hmm, objects with curves.. 🙂

  3. semmel says:

    4th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    What’s wrong with the new shapes?

  4. brad says:

    First try – top ten.

    Winner = me.

  5. Carl says:

    C’mon daddy-o, don’t be a Jonathan Ive design.

  6. GingerSex says:

    6

    It has a big curved bottom, just now I like ’em!

  7. One man and his mac says:

    8th!

    This does not bode well for the sebots :-/

  8. stridey says:

    Number nine, number nine, number nine…

    Perhaps a klein bottle shaped Mac?

  9. Shana says:

    If nobody’s claimed third, can I have it?

  10. Shana says:

    (ten’s boring to me, but 11’s pretty hot)

  11. Nxxx says:

    Ive should study a duododecahedron radar reflector. difficult to hold, will clash with everything else in the home, but does allow you to find your home in the fog. Or someone else’s.

  12. Slowpoke says:

    And white, why is everything white? Mr Ive would do well to consider the many unsung benefits of mauve, colbolt blue and turquoise.

  13. Slowpoke says:

    oh, and vermillion.

  14. Nxxx says:

    Slowpoke,
    Believe you meant Codpiece Blue, normally caused by a lack of adequate heating in ancient housing.

  15. Colonel Panic says:

    Perhaps Ives was adversely affected by the beaver attack on Rubenstein? I know _I_ would be.

  16. Mpls Guy says:

    Go back to the old iMacs…Blue Dalmation, Flower Power…those were yummy and not rectangles at all!

  17. Del says:

    I was a beta tester for the iMac PPC G6 and it was spherical. I had to give it a bad review because it kept rolling off my desk. I made the simple suggestion that maybe a stand would be nice for it to sit in but Apple just freaked out and junked the whole project. It has been rectangles ever since. They aren’t very good at taking criticism.

    The sad thing is the iPod YoYo was really sweet.

  18. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    Rectangles have sharp pointy corners, he does smooth out the corners, you have to give him that. Rounded corners are kind of nice. And the color white contains all the colors of the rainbow (see 3rd grade prism experiment).

    Do I sound defensive. OK, fine I admit it, I’m a closet Ive apologist!!

  19. Ace Deuce says:

    A computer shaped like a bowl of fruit offers many possiblities. Wi-Fi peripherals could be shaped like pears and bananas and simply added to the bowl, or placed in a nice arrangement about the table or desk.

    Wireless pudding would only enhance the effect.

  20. Huh? says:

    Liquid computers. Yeah. Just pour it into any shape you want.

    Pugging it in may be a bit… tricky.

    Yeah….

    Um. I gotta go now.

    moo

  21. fatbo says:

    23rd.

    eat that.

  22. Jon says:

    Really, would anyone even *like* a trapezoid iPod?

  23. Jon says:

    And technically, the Mac mini from the top is a rhombus. That’s more adventurous than everyone’s making it out to be, and creative, too, because the square is the only rectangle that’s also a rhombus.

    And you were supposed to hold the Power Mac G6 in your lap, Del. That’s the whole point of the design. But people like you had to ruin it for everyone. Although a friend of a friend told me that the final design for the Macintel iBook is going to be a torus. It was Ron Johnson’s idea, of course, the wanker.

  24. One man and his mac says:

    I think it should be an iPod shaped exactly like a pocket, nice and comfortable. Or if you’re Huh?, an iPod shaped like your pants.
    Oh and i meant sexbots earlier. What a sebot is I have *no* idea.

  25. Why do you think we ship our Microsoft products in rectangular boxes? Shhh, I don’t want another lawsuit, at least not before lunch. I say; why invent the wheel, when you can let some other guy invent it, then club him over the head and roll off into the sunset. A BILLIONAIRE sunset!!1! Ha, I’m sleeping well tonight!

    3.9.06, 3.9.06! nevermind that 3.2.06 nonsense, we, um, well, Balmer kinda smashed into the some things with a golf cart and, we’ve got a bit of a emergency, did I say emergency? I meant minor issue, we’ll have it cleared up by 3.9.06, 3.9.07 at the latest.

  26. Crablin says:

    I really think Apple should start looking to the world of meat products for their inspiration.

    piePod
    Big Mac
    Mac OStrich X
    MacBacon Pro

    yeah…

  27. Michael L says:

    The aspect ratio of cinema is not square last time I checked-pretty hard to design a screen (laptop or other) that fits into the scheme of this ratio that is not a rectangle. Lets see-rectangle and sharp edges-modern and clean=macintosh. Maybe you should move to a pc=no design sense and “boring”!!!!!!!

  28. We got ham, folks! Ham, Ham, Ham, Ham, Ham, Ham, Ham, Ham, Hammmmmm, wonderful ham, lovely ham, wonderful ham! I just can’t get enough of that yummy, yummy stuff. Bacon is good too. Don’t forget the bacon. But, do NOT eat the vegtables, they are strickly ornamental and are not to be consumed.

    http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/meat/index.html

  29. Typo says:

    I think they should continue the trend of getting the computer more out of sight. The iPencil Cup. The iLamp. The iDesk. The computer is just built right in!

  30. Slowpoke wrote, “And white, why is everything white? Mr Ive would do well to consider the many unsung benefits of mauve, colbolt blue and turquoise.”

    No, with the current revival of the 70’s, we should have Mac products in burnt sienna, lime green, and all those other vile colors slapped all over the sets of Laugh-In and The Dating Game.

  31. g0rdo says:

    33rd dammit

    bitches

  32. fofo says:

    I have no sympathy for Ives. I can come up with many original and brilliant shapes; for example, and this just off the top of my head, how about a monkey in a little hat?
    Damn it’s good to finally get the monkey off my head!

    MEATS, MEATS, MEEEAAATS!!!

  33. Limeybloke says:

    DUAL Core iMac shaped like a pair of BOOBIES!

    C’mon Ive, are you no longer a Brit? Have the Septics got to you?

    Any decent self respecting British bloke should be obsessed with curves!

    OBSESSED I TELL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( . ) ( . )

  34. Rich says:

    A square is both a rectangle AND a rhombus. I think we need the MacRhombus.

    Chant it with me:

    RHOM-BUS! RHOM-BUS! RHOM-BUS! RHOM-BUS! RHOM-BUS!

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