A disturbing report was released today by computer security research firm Computer Security Research Inc. indicating that – despite the belief held by most Mac users that their computers are nigh invulnerable – Macs are just as likely to suffer wolverine attack as computers running Windows.
“This is very disappointing to me as a technology professional and as a Mac user,” said Infoworld’s Tom Yager.
“In the Windows world,” Yager said, “you can’t have your machine on for more than thirty seconds before it’s ground to a halt by spyware, pop-ups, viruses and packs of vicious wolverines.
“I’d hate to think that that could happen to my Mac.”
Sadly, Computer Security Research’s report was not just academic. Christian Arner of Saskatchewan, Canada, is one Mac user who was able to provide first-hand information.
“Yep,” Arner said nodding gravely to a pile of shredded white plastic. “Wolverines ate my iMac.”
After five minutes of nodding and sipping his Molson, Arner added “Wouldn’t touch my iPod Hi-Fi, though they did spray it real good.”
Laurent Marteau, CEO of OS X virus protection maker Intego, announced today that his firm will bring a whole new line of anti-wolverine devices to the Mac.
“We’re currently looking into a variety of designs,” Marteau said hesitantly. “Like, um… wolverine… uh… repellent… and, um…
“Well, to tell the truth, right now we’re just reading up on wolverines. We don’t have them here in France.
“Are they anything like poodles? So far we’ve just been testing with poodles.”
Shown a picture of a wolverine, Marteau cried out.
“Hol-y crap!” he exclaimed. Turning to the door to a back room, Marteau shouted “Henri! Nous avons besoin d’un crapload de pièges avec les petite dents!”
“Aw! Merde!” a voice – presumably that of Henri – replied. “J’ai presque finis les laisse rose!”
A five minute rapid-fire argument ensued in French that Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters were unable to transcribe, but which left a chastened Henri to the task of constructing un crapload de pièges avec les petite dents.
Until adequate protection can be devised, Apple is advising users to keep their Macs away from arctic regions were the wolverine is primarily found.