15 Mar 06Macs Just As Vulnerable To Wolverine Attack.

A disturbing report was released today by computer security research firm Computer Security Research Inc. indicating that – despite the belief held by most Mac users that their computers are nigh invulnerable – Macs are just as likely to suffer wolverine attack as computers running Windows.

“This is very disappointing to me as a technology professional and as a Mac user,” said Infoworld’s Tom Yager.

“In the Windows world,” Yager said, “you can’t have your machine on for more than thirty seconds before it’s ground to a halt by spyware, pop-ups, viruses and packs of vicious wolverines.

“I’d hate to think that that could happen to my Mac.”

Sadly, Computer Security Research’s report was not just academic. Christian Arner of Saskatchewan, Canada, is one Mac user who was able to provide first-hand information.

“Yep,” Arner said nodding gravely to a pile of shredded white plastic. “Wolverines ate my iMac.”

After five minutes of nodding and sipping his Molson, Arner added “Wouldn’t touch my iPod Hi-Fi, though they did spray it real good.”

Laurent Marteau, CEO of OS X virus protection maker Intego, announced today that his firm will bring a whole new line of anti-wolverine devices to the Mac.

“We’re currently looking into a variety of designs,” Marteau said hesitantly. “Like, um… wolverine… uh… repellent… and, um…

“Well, to tell the truth, right now we’re just reading up on wolverines. We don’t have them here in France.

“Are they anything like poodles? So far we’ve just been testing with poodles.”

Shown a picture of a wolverine, Marteau cried out.

Hol-y crap!” he exclaimed. Turning to the door to a back room, Marteau shouted “Henri! Nous avons besoin d’un crapload de pièges avec les petite dents!”

“Aw! Merde!” a voice – presumably that of Henri – replied. “J’ai presque finis les laisse rose!”

A five minute rapid-fire argument ensued in French that Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters were unable to transcribe, but which left a chastened Henri to the task of constructing un crapload de pièges avec les petite dents.

Until adequate protection can be devised, Apple is advising users to keep their Macs away from arctic regions were the wolverine is primarily found.

43 Responses to “Macs Just As Vulnerable To Wolverine Attack.”

  1. avow943 says:

    hell yeah, number one!!!!

  2. avow943 says:

    damn, too slow. two and three it is.

  3. avow943 says:

    and 4

  4. avow943 says:

    and 5

  5. Posted by Posted by at at says:

    four, five?

  6. weedle says:

    or not

  7. One man and his mac says:

    But nearly all macs are white. Built in camoflage surely?

    and ninth.

  8. Jean-Claude says:


  9. Jean-Claude says:

    Je ris des imbéciles qui réclament le cinquième poteau.

  10. jurgen says:

    Merde is spelt with an e at the end. It’s female.

  11. Jebus says:

    It must be all that gravy that’s attracting them…

  12. Zeb says:

    Wolverines in your Mac??? Sheeeeeeet. I gotta diseased Beaver on my organ!

    Numero Thurteen!

  13. FYI: The French says,”a crapload of traps with the small teeth”.

  14. Psyko says:

    Screw that. I refuse to believe that my G5 is vulnerable to wolverine attacks. They are much more likely to eat me than my computer, and I am rarely away from my beautiful beast.


  15. Ace Deuce says:


    Not so much arctic–think mountains and forests.

  16. Louis V says:

    Sacre Bleu! I have to go there on busines next week.

  17. agingeri says:

    Pssh. You KNOW it’s companies like Intego that MAKE the wolverines themselves just so they can sell the repellent.

    What I’m really worried about are werewolves. Are those a risk to Mac users? Because one just got my Dell and I’m worried about it spreading to my G5.

    Is there some sort of freeware app that would destroy the moon? Would this help? Or would that just leave a creepy hairy guy in my living room, chewing on my keyboard?

  18. Typo says:

    Luckily for MacBook Pro users, the high-pitched wine emitted by their laptops drives wolverines off…

  19. fatbo says:

    I can say, with some certainty: 20th

  20. fatbo says:

    damn that smug certainty! damn it to hell!


  21. Nxxx says:

    That’s why I never let my pet cricket near my Mac, as I don’t want a test match.

  22. Streetrabbit says:

    Thanks for the heads up.

    I have a circle of fire around my powerbook. I press the keys with a long stick I call the fireproof key prodder™

  23. Switcher says:

    Some corrections (by the way, clever use of french…)

    “J’ai presque finis les laisse rose” should be written like this :
    “J’ai presque fini les laisses roses”

    And “petite dents” should be written “petites dents”.

    Thank you for your attention.

  24. Le Choeur Des Garçons Mauvais Invisibles says:


  25. Del says:

    Well as the self appointed “Using a Mac in a wolverine habitat” expert (Hey I’m in Ann Arbor on U of M’s campus right now. The home of the Wolverines so I think that gets me a few expert points.) I can honestly say Mac’s are just as prone to Wolverine attacks.

    I’d like to clarify though that while a Wolverine will destroy a Dell or other PC on sight the Wolverines will generally just steal the Mac and take it home and raise it in the wild. We have herds of Wolverine raised Mac’s roaming the campus right now. The Wolverines are attracted to the beautifully designed machines and their ease of use. Plus the Mac’s have the good sense to play soothing music from the iTunes store to calm the beasts when they get all riled up.

    Once in a while a Mac will be destroyed by Wolverine. That is usually only when the Mac has some Anti-Theft or Anti-Wolverine device on it. The Wolverines become incensed that the gorgeous machine will not be theirs so they choose to destroy it so no one can have it. So really Intego’s products are more likely to cause your Mac to be destroyed.

    Take my advice. Instead of trying to protect against the Wolverines keep a good backup and have good Wolverine insurance. Sure they run off with a machine now and again, but your insurance will pay for a new one and you can just restore your data off the backup. Really this is just another case of Anti-Macites blowing a “vulnerability” all out of proportion.

  26. Garp says:

    Wikipedia hits on wolverines have now jumped through the roof, along with French-To-English Babel Fish translations!

    It is actually an upside that the whine of the MacBook Pros drives off wolverines, but it’s a downside that it also seems to drive off attractive women and people who are interested in giving away $500 to random strangers. Shame, that.

  27. hermit says:

    Okay, as someone from Saskatchewan (which is a province larger than Texas, btw), I must make a few points:

    1. Wolverines? I don’t remember no stinkin’ wolverines!

    Stinking skunks, though. Yup, plenty of those. Smell ’em for klicks… (slang for kilometre, a unit of measure)

    2. Molson? MOLSON?!? It’s not even Canadian anymore! It’s owned by Coors fer Christ’s sake! Around these parts, we drink the BRAND Pilsner (aka ‘Pil’). There is a beer called Calgary (Gaelic for ‘clear running water’), but it sucks more than Pil…

    3. Capital of Saskatchewan is Regina. Rhymes with female body part.

    You may now giggle like girls…

    Thus endeth the cultural lesson…

  28. Taki says:

    So wolverines are still dangerous, but am I still vulnerable to attacks by Wolverine?

  29. Paul says:

    I agree with Del (North Campus, yo!), I’d be more worried about those moronic Buckeye attacks…

  30. Del says:

    Tee Hee Hee if I looked out my window right now I might see Paul. He’s right across the street from me.

  31. Roy says:


    Wolverine attacks. As if!

    Here’s a quote by King Arthur from the Documentary “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” that should tell us something about truly dangerous animals:

    “Well, we’ll not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit’s dynamite.”

    And from the documetary on Mosquito hunters:

    “There’s nothing more dangerous than a wounded mosquito.”

  32. NWJR says:

    Yes, your Mac may be vulnerable. But only in Michigan.

    The Wolverine state.

    If you’re in Ohio, you’re safe…but then again, being in Ohio is its own punishment.

  33. Weasels ripped my flesh… RZZZZZZ!

    People! PEOPLE! Clearly the only real short-term solution we have can be summed up in two words: human urine. Wolverine and wolverines hate the stuff.

    Thank you. I’ll leave you to pee on your Macs now.

  34. g0rdo says:

    36th woowwww wwwooooooooooooooooooowww WWWWOOOWOWOWOWOWOW


  35. Del says:

    Are there going to be Shillelagh rides this year? I brought my dollars.

  36. a longtime reader says:

    ok this site needs more of the following two things:

    1. Howard
    2. Stream of Consciousness editorials

  37. John Moltz says:

    Taki, you’re always vulnerable to attack by Wolverine. He’s a badass.

  38. LimeyBloke, in an English accent says:

    The French banned all imports of Wolverines ages ago.

    Something about mad wolverine disease.

    The wolverines are just glad they won’t be exposed to rabies (or the French).

  39. David says:


    we need lot of of the traps with little teeth
    I’ve almost finished the red leaves!

    Someone more fluent in French wanna clue me in? 🙂

  40. David says:

    oh… thanks for clueing me in before I posted that.

  41. David says:

    or not. What am I doing? Where Am I!?

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