Macs Just As Vulnerable To Wolverine Attack.

A disturbing report was released today by computer security research firm Computer Security Research Inc. indicating that – despite the belief held by most Mac users that their computers are nigh invulnerable – Macs are just as likely to suffer wolverine attack as computers running Windows.

“This is very disappointing to me as a technology professional and as a Mac user, Hol-y crap!” he exclaimed. Turning to the door to a back room, Marteau shouted “Henri! Nous avons besoin d’un crapload de pièges avec les petite dents!”

“Aw! Merde!” a voice – presumably that of Henri – replied. “J’ai presque finis les laisse rose!”

A five minute rapid-fire argument ensued in French that Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters were unable to transcribe, but which left a chastened Henri to the task of constructing un crapload de pièges avec les petite dents.

Until adequate protection can be devised, Apple is advising users to keep their Macs away from arctic regions were the wolverine is primarily found.

43 thoughts on “Macs Just As Vulnerable To Wolverine Attack.”

  1. Wolverines in your Mac??? Sheeeeeeet. I gotta diseased Beaver on my organ!
    bud-ump-bump

    Numero Thurteen!

  2. Screw that. I refuse to believe that my G5 is vulnerable to wolverine attacks. They are much more likely to eat me than my computer, and I am rarely away from my beautiful beast.

    MARK

  3. Pssh. You KNOW it’s companies like Intego that MAKE the wolverines themselves just so they can sell the repellent.

    What I’m really worried about are werewolves. Are those a risk to Mac users? Because one just got my Dell and I’m worried about it spreading to my G5.

    Is there some sort of freeware app that would destroy the moon? Would this help? Or would that just leave a creepy hairy guy in my living room, chewing on my keyboard?

  4. Some corrections (by the way, clever use of french…)

    “J’ai presque finis les laisse rose” should be written like this :
    “J’ai presque fini les laisses roses”

    And “petite dents” should be written “petites dents”.

    Thank you for your attention.

  5. MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE!
    MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE!
    MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE!
    MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE!

  6. Well as the self appointed “Using a Mac in a wolverine habitat” expert (Hey I’m in Ann Arbor on U of M’s campus right now. The home of the Wolverines so I think that gets me a few expert points.) I can honestly say Mac’s are just as prone to Wolverine attacks.

    I’d like to clarify though that while a Wolverine will destroy a Dell or other PC on sight the Wolverines will generally just steal the Mac and take it home and raise it in the wild. We have herds of Wolverine raised Mac’s roaming the campus right now. The Wolverines are attracted to the beautifully designed machines and their ease of use. Plus the Mac’s have the good sense to play soothing music from the iTunes store to calm the beasts when they get all riled up.

    Once in a while a Mac will be destroyed by Wolverine. That is usually only when the Mac has some Anti-Theft or Anti-Wolverine device on it. The Wolverines become incensed that the gorgeous machine will not be theirs so they choose to destroy it so no one can have it. So really Intego’s products are more likely to cause your Mac to be destroyed.

    Take my advice. Instead of trying to protect against the Wolverines keep a good backup and have good Wolverine insurance. Sure they run off with a machine now and again, but your insurance will pay for a new one and you can just restore your data off the backup. Really this is just another case of Anti-Macites blowing a “vulnerability” all out of proportion.

  7. Wikipedia hits on wolverines have now jumped through the roof, along with French-To-English Babel Fish translations!

    It is actually an upside that the whine of the MacBook Pros drives off wolverines, but it’s a downside that it also seems to drive off attractive women and people who are interested in giving away $500 to random strangers. Shame, that.

  8. Okay, as someone from Saskatchewan (which is a province larger than Texas, btw), I must make a few points:

    1. Wolverines? I don’t remember no stinkin’ wolverines!

    Stinking skunks, though. Yup, plenty of those. Smell ’em for klicks… (slang for kilometre, a unit of measure)

    2. Molson? MOLSON?!? It’s not even Canadian anymore! It’s owned by Coors fer Christ’s sake! Around these parts, we drink the BRAND Pilsner (aka ‘Pil’). There is a beer called Calgary (Gaelic for ‘clear running water’), but it sucks more than Pil…

    3. Capital of Saskatchewan is Regina. Rhymes with female body part.

    You may now giggle like girls…

    Thus endeth the cultural lesson…

  9. Tee Hee Hee if I looked out my window right now I might see Paul. He’s right across the street from me.

  10. Pffff.

    Wolverine attacks. As if!

    Here’s a quote by King Arthur from the Documentary “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” that should tell us something about truly dangerous animals:

    “Well, we’ll not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit’s dynamite.”

    And from the documetary on Mosquito hunters:

    “There’s nothing more dangerous than a wounded mosquito.”

  11. Yes, your Mac may be vulnerable. But only in Michigan.

    The Wolverine state.

    If you’re in Ohio, you’re safe…but then again, being in Ohio is its own punishment.

  12. Weasels ripped my flesh… RZZZZZZ!

    People! PEOPLE! Clearly the only real short-term solution we have can be summed up in two words: human urine. Wolverine and wolverines hate the stuff.

    Thank you. I’ll leave you to pee on your Macs now.

  13. ok this site needs more of the following two things:

    1. Howard
    2. Stream of Consciousness editorials

  14. The French banned all imports of Wolverines ages ago.

    Something about mad wolverine disease.

    The wolverines are just glad they won’t be exposed to rabies (or the French).

  15. sooooo…

    we need lot of of the traps with little teeth
    and
    I’ve almost finished the red leaves!

    Someone more fluent in French wanna clue me in? 🙂

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