Apple and quantum theorists everywhere are eagerly awaiting the next lawsuit against the company as the number is quickly approaching infinity and no one is exactly sure what will happen.
“This is very exciting,” said Dr. Javier Castonguay of the University of California. “The rate of increase in lawsuits against Apple is exponential and soon there will be an infinite number of them.”
When that happens, according to Castonguay and several other leading quantum theorists, the company will either be forced to declare bankruptcy times infinity, or the portion of the space/time continuum that the lawsuits occupy will fold back on itself and all of the lawsuits will cease to exist.
Despite the even odds, Apple was upbeat about its chances.
“Apple has a strong commitment to the sciences and we’re excited to play a part in the history of quantum theory,” said CEO Steve Jobs.
“And.. well… 50-50? I’ll take those odds.
“We got a lotta lawsuits.”
One of the most interesting corollaries to Apple’s condition is that as the number of lawsuits against the company approaches infinity, General Counsel Nancy Heinen’s stress level is generating fantastic amounts of energy.
“Nancy really has some guys from the International Atomic Energy Agency interested in her!” laughed Jobs. “Ha-ha! Because… eventually… you know… KA-BOOM!!!”
Indeed, several research institutes have contacted Apple about attempting to harness Heinen to power the eastern seaboard.
“Yeah, we’ve been trying to get her to take some vacation…” Jobs admitted.
Other than CEO Steve Jobs, Apple declined to comment for this story.